I don’t understand it, why is it that I have this huge barrier towards getting to know people, while in fact I want to get to know them? Now I try to relate it to my upbringing, maybe it has something to do with how you’re being raised or your past experiences. But i don’t understand, I moved like every single year and around every 2 to 3 months to another group of people at school, how fast am i suppose to make friends that last? And when I make friends I stay with them, but that means I don’t usually make any new friends, because my attention is towards my existing friends. Now again the new school year is starting, and i tend to shy away completely just focusing on my study, but i feel so awkward when meeting new people, especially when they already know each other. How am i suppose to solve this and how did i become this way or is it something you’re born with? I also feel overwhelmed by the huge mass of new students I don’t even know, where am i suppose to start getting to know someone anyone anyway………………………..I feel socially awkward and again misoriented today:(……should i force myself in getting to know new people or should it stay natural:S….
@peacelove, I have had a lot of trouble with shyness. It is a natural reaction. I am moving to a different country soon, to attend a huge university with c. 27,000 students. I’m shitting myself thinking about it. I think the clue is to not think about it, but just jump in. One of the reasons why I’m doing this, is to challenge myself. I think the only thing that really works in order to rid yourself of fear, is positive experience. You learn from that much easier than just thinking yourself better. If you have a phobia, explore it. If you’re scared of spiders or dogs (like I used to be), get acquainted with one. If you’re scared of heights, climb a mountain. If you’re scared of meeting new people – jump in. Say “Hello”. Don’t try and control your behaviour, just be yourself and allow yourself to have the reaction you may have. And I know by experience that things are seldom as bad as they’re made up to be, in my own mind. :) Prove your brain wrong by doing things you didn’t think you could do. And you don’t need to start with the big things, start with small things, and soon enough you’ll see the world is less scary than you had thought. Most people will not set out to harm you. If you are sensitive, like me, what caused your fear might be due to a mix of your personality and bad experience. Exhange the old experience with a new one. You’ll be fine. :)
@peacelove A couple things first:
Awkwardness is fear of what the other person is thinking.
Social groups are formed based on common interests (obvious I know..)
And almost everyone is at least a little afraid of meeting new people.
Those things being said, moving around a lot at a young age probably gave you a lot of practice getting good at that fear of people and it may seem like now it is at a point where you can’t do much about it. BUT, just think that the OTHER person might feel awkward around YOU and wishing that you would just talk to them.. If you don’t, you’re aren’t giving them peace or love. Show love to those around you. Smile as much as you can. Remember that were all apart of the same human family. You got it. =)
First of all, I want to ask you some questions.
1. What do you blame your shyness on? What do you consider the reason for your shyness?
2. How and why do you validate your shyness?
3. What are you doing to get rid of your shyness?
Please answer these questions BEFORE reading on.
Done answering? Still with me? Keeping your mind open?
Great, then let’s dive in!
Here’s the thing, shyness is only there because you keep making it real. You keep validating it, keep letting it affect you, keep caring about it. And stuff like that.
That’s really the WHOLE PROBLEM.
It doesn’t really matter how or when your shyness was created, the only thing that matters is the present moment, you’re feeding the shyness and so it remains.
The solution is called exposure therapy. The only way out is through. Basically, the ony real way to get rid of shyness is to keep pushing yourself THROUGH it.
Results are very fast if you do it this way, and no matter what methods you use all the actual progress comes from this exposure and pushing.
Make it into a game. Set some objectives for yourself. Start out easy, missions such as “Each day, approach at least 5 strangers and make small talk for at least 2 minutes.” Then you just up the ante week by week.
You’ll start seeing real positive results after the first week, and after a month the problem may be completely solved. Even if it isn’t, you’ve come a long way, and you’ve built up the momentum to keep going with ease.
However, this requires consistent action. You must follow through with it every day. That’s why you start out easy, building momentum and raising the challenge gradually.
It’s really easy, really. Just make this daily effort, which isn’t much, and your problem will be solved in the very near future.
You just need to push through the anxiety, that’s really the only way out of anxiety. Once you’ve built enough momentum, you could start deliberately making awkward situations, to repeatedly prove to yourself that it’s NOT A BIG DEAL.
Also, when talking there really is no awkward silence. Silence is only awkward if you make it. Nothing is more awkward than you make it.
From now on, awkward silence is awesome silence, and whenever that “awkward silence happens” just say “Awesome silence high five!”
And finally, one last trick that will make it all much easier:
ALWAYS BE SELF-AMUSING. If you can laugh at your social “disasters” it’s no problem. If you just act out freely for fun without stifling yourself, the problem goes away faster. And you can always rationalize things and go “Duh I was doing that IRONICALLY” which takes away the pressure of your anxiety.
Just keep pushing. The more your mind resists, THE HARDER YOU PUSH.
Never let your ego defeat you.
Peace and love
Bullshit. A little shyness is a good thing. Be real and joke about it and remember to not exaggerate your problem in a negative way, exaggerate the joke. “Hello! I’m shy.” That would make you look awkward, but it’s fun and attractive.
Why would anyone try to overcome shyness when being bold is most of the time too intrusive and makes people uncomfortable?
Basically, be bold with your shyness!
@peacelove, One day, you are going to die. After that day, you will never again have a chance to talk to anyone, or enjoy the day. That day could be tomorrow. Before you do die, its only fair to become the person that your subconscious secretly always wanted you to be. Being anything else would be a waste.
@peacelove, This year has been a sort of breakthrough for me regarding personal shyness. I attend a small, private liberal arts college (about 3.5k students) and it’s relatively normal to see the same people multiple times a day. The keys to easing into relationships (of any kind), are to make eye-contact, offer warm (but not creepy) smiles, and inquire! Interject the silence whenever the opportunity presents itself! Now, don’t become a Chatty Patty whom everyone will come to despise; rather, wait for a professor to ask a question you are certain of answering astutely, add-on to a side-conversation that catches your ear, and smile even to students across the room/cafeteria/halls etc. etc.
You’ve gotta be the one making the moves, since you’re the one aggravated by your own circumstances. As someone above said, you’ve gotta actually persevere through problems in order to solve them. They will persist lest you seek to destroy them yourself. Trust me, I’ve been a reserved, and relatively shy person for my entire life…the key is initiation and instigation. People will be mostly receptive to your genuine kindness and inquiry, trust me.
Now go out and bust some moves! ;)