So I was laced with some drug that got me high for 4 days straight in a city i wasn’t familiar with and ended up in front of psychologist in a small village 2 hours away from any major city and they think I have a multiple personal disorder. I was heavily hallucinating and tapping into crazy “realities” which left me shook and a little traumatized till this day. I felt like i was in hell and it was impossible to leave. I still have this feeling from time to time. I am always having to make disclaimers to feel a sense of security like I will post on FB and let friends know about my trip to California so I let em know that if anything happens to me or I go missing to suspect something malicious happened. I also wouldnt want them to get hurt so I do not demand an investigation.
I start to connect dots that probably arent there but are probable. I think of evil deeds and agendas that people might have. I start to feel that I am being targeted. I think that there obviously very strategic and fragmented cults that are up to no good. Not to say I don’t recognize the good in events or people but it gets zoned out by my paranoia. I realize these scenerios are highly unlikely but in my world i better keep it safe. I’ve had therapy twice since the incident and it helps but it feels like it will never rid me of my thoughts.
The upside is I recognize peoples intentions now and i do catch people trying to pull a fast one on me. It makes me break down a situation or a series of events. I’m not saying im right about all of it but i can surprise you. Problem is the paranoia is so severe at times that I begin to feel anxiety and panic. It doesnt let me focus on what is important at the moment.
Does anyone trip on the fact that your paranoia isnt just crazy thoughts youre having but maybe getting a hint into possibilties to be aware of? Are there any paranoid thoughts that keep you up at night? Is there any crazy theory that you truly believe or highly considering to be true but can put you or someone you know at risk.
Disclaimer: Any radical assumptions and suspicions are brought up as examples and are not my own.
Real or not you need to learn to quiet your mind. The inner dialogue you are listening to is your ego. You, the entity listening to that dialogue, are a spiritual being. Hone the spirtual being by sharpening the mind so that you can learn to not interact with the inner dialogue. This is hard work.
Meditation is one path. If you have the time consider a 10 day Vipassana course–it is a silent retreat that is free offered at locations all over the world. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do (considering how loud your inner dialogue is) but in the end you will emerge with a means to quiet your mind.
The paranoia is the overactive ego interpreting the world. Evaluating the past and predicting the future. It make so many predictions that it is bound to get some right, but more often than not it is wrong.