This is a recent diary entry, so prepare yourself for some raw personal conversation. I decided to share this because..well I figured somebody on here would get what I’m thinking.
"Turn around; your life will change without your consent, without your okay. It happened again, I woke up today and everything changed. All my friends and all my family suddenly don’t understand me, understand I’m not the woman they think I am" – slightly modified lyrics from Chasing it Down – Mother Mother
I don’t really know what I’m trying to write about tonight, other than the fact that the lyrics above greatly relate to something bigger inside of me.
I feel like I’m about to hit that point, where everything changes. For whatever reason though, I’m still holding on to the major highlights of my past, expecting to gain something out of a fire that has been long extinguished. I feel like my heart yearns to sit and wish for answers as to why I constantly do this. As I had recollected before, I feel like I can never tie a loose end and move on to the next phase of life without the assistance of some blissful distraction. It’s a pattern, and I’m noticing/thinking about it a lot more lately. What is it that is inside of me that wants to hold back and move forward at the same time?
Physically speaking, this is impossible. When an object is met with an equal push/pull force, where are you left? Exactly where you started. What is the most frustrating thing about this is that I feel like I don’t know how to do anything about it – yet.
My whole life, I guess, has been a push and pull matter. I was pushed forward when something pushed me forward, and held back when something pulled me back. I suppose I never really held the reigns on my own decisions, thoughts, and opinions even. I was always expecting the decision to be made for me, even though I was constantly told I had to make my own decisions. Was it something to do with my mother and father? I don’t think so. When it came time for me to make adult decisions I lacked a lot of confidence in myself, and a lot of the ability to see outcomes of difficult situations dealt with in a proper manner. Instead, my rational was to find something to take my mind off the idea of any confrontation or consequences. One day I would have a list of reasons as to why my decision was the right thing to do. The next day, my feelings were excluded and my heart and gut just wanted to make people happy. I never wanted to hurt somebody because it made me feel so bad about myself. I always wanted people to like me and accept me, and I always wanted to be on the same page with people and understand them in ways I wish they’d have understood me. As if that would ever happen though – someone understanding me. I guess now that I’m older I’ve more or less come to terms with the fact that I am a complex person. By complex I mean a hell of a lot more in touch with my inner self than most people at my age – and even that’s saying something. I still feel a missing piece, something about me that I haven’t become acquainted with yet.
Now that I’m thinking about this, I kind of think that jealousy is an enemy of mine. My dad says that a little jealousy is a good thing when it comes to someone you love. I don’t love those I’m jealous of though, I’m just jealous that I didn’t make them the happiest. Does that scream people pleaser or what? When it comes to jealousy and significant people in my life, I have a little mini conflict inside my head/gut.
ME: I’ve started seeing another man, it isn’t anything serious, but we’re going to have fun while we can.
EX BF: Oh, I don’t know what to say to that, other than I’m seeing someone now too. I was going to tell you later, but now that you mention it this seems like a more appropriate time.
Are you serious? Stealing my thunder like that? I was totally just informing you that I was with someone else, and you go ahead and tell me that you’re seeing somebody too like it’s such a big fucking accomplishment! Fuck you guys then, have fun. You’ll miss me one day. You’ll remember how much I did for you and realize that I was just the best thing that could have happened to you.
That is obviously my irrational side shining through, and after about five minutes of that mindless banter I feel like a fool. I know I can’t expect or want people to be hung up on me, and I know that I’m not always going to be the person that changes someone’s life – but damn, it’s so hard to remember that and be okay with it! I still feel a little green in the face when I hear somebody has moved on from me. I’ve never really been rejected before, but I feel like if I was then it would definitely be in for an emotional ride.
Is this a reflection of my insecurities in relation to acceptance and desirability? Is it a weak link in my thought process that I’ll have to learn to live with? Perhaps moving on to new things in life is hard for me because I can’t let go of the mentality of leaving something behind.
I’m totally open to advice, comments, relative stories and thoughts! Let me know I’m not crazy! (I guess that’s a contradiction. Shouldn’t I be able to figure that out myself? Ahhh patterns! Everywhere!)
Are you my long lost twin? Haha, but no, you’re not crazy. Unless I’m also crazy. My thought process and maybe my own situations seem to relate a lot to what yours currently are. Getting over the past is something I’m still trying to conquer. But on the other hand, I don’t want to let it go because I’m afraid of losing it all completely. Do you know what I mean? I guess it’s just a lesson we all have to learn.
I totally understand that! Being sentimental feels like such a curse sometimes. I get my heart into something special (Whether it be relationships, a hobby, a friendship, a goal) and when it’s gone all I want is to feel that ‘wholeness’ again, completely disregarding the fact that those experiences are frequent to come by if I’m able to open myself up to a new experience. Do you find you tend to distract yourself with thoughtless activities? I try meditating and just zoning out to some tranquil soundtrack – I come out of it feeling like a better person, but before you know it something else comes up and you’re right back to square one. holy frustration, haha
Oh I know what you mean. It’s like distractions are my number one activity. Meditation is really good for that “clear” feeling in your head. It always makes me feel better, although the effects never seem to last as long as I’d want them too. In my college english class my teacher has us meditate for the beginning of the class- it’s so nice to have that time in the middle of the day IN CLASS to clear my head before I have to go on with everything else the day throws at me.
When it comes to the whole sentimental thing, I always try to remind myself that It was good while it lasted but the longer I dwell on it the longer it’ll be until that “wholeness” will come back. Although my logic doesn’t always win and I end up feeling terrible about the good things in the past no longer being in my life. It’s like my head and my heart are VERY conflicted, haha.