Please, someone read this and help me back to my balance!

Insurgi (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago

I know there have been a few depression posts, and I looked to them to see if I could relate it to myself, but none have been able to break through to me. My depression didn’t stem chemically first, its all environmental and situational. I’ve always have had a very close relationship with the idea of death, I’ve been an insomniac my whole life and would often would lay in bed and ponder death and then pretend to be dead. After years of this I became so comfortable with it that I don’t see life as necessary, that one should be forced to live on this place of existence if they don’t wish to and people shouldn’t always assume its “mentally ill” to not want to be here. I haven’t exited life because to this point I liked adventures and exploring what was around while I was here, but things get so complicated here, I came into a world I didn’t have any say over, being forced to live a certain way, with rules, money, etc… I feel so over it, I hate dealing with life now and my mind keeps telling me “Why do you keep putting yourself through this? You don’t have to go through this, you could leave..” However, when I speak to others about this they say not to give up, be positive, my situation will get better, all the usual pep talk, and the thinker in me says, “ok, well lets just test it out a bit longer”…

Now the situation, I’ll try not to make this long. The background, I’ve been through it all, undiagnosed in school, told I was stupid and put in remedial classes, but I actually have ADHD, mild Autism, and dyslexia. Medicated and aware of how my mind works I can excel. I’ve been homeless, assaulted, bullied by peers. My parents have mental disorders (as well as my siblings), anxiety disorders (panic attacks), OCD, and Bi polar. I live with my mother now, shes in her mid 60’s and she became an alcoholic a year or 2 ago, she verbally attacks me daily, and tried to choke me once. We are financially unstable and shes been threatening that I will be homeless again. I have a spinal disorder from a car accident called Spinal Stenosis, its chronic and degenerative, sometimes my back goes out and I have to go to the hospital, but I was doing my best to stay healthy. A year ago I was unknowingly infected with stage 3 lyme disease and have suffered greatly physically and mentally. When I tell people about my situation they say to get out of the house (of course), but I don’t have the money because I cant do most jobs available to me, or I’m just not well enough. I’m still not well and everyday I cant escape my mothers abuse, its nonstop. I don’t have any support system to turn to, its just me. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to take this pain, physical and mental. I lock myself in my room and try to watch a movie or surf the web, but she’ll just pound at the door for hours screaming. I feel so stuck, I don’t want to give up, but it feels like the only option…

I don’t know if anyone can help me here, but I thought I would just something, I’m out of options.

June 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Brendan Barstow (182)C (@eyesopen) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I recommend that you first change your immediate environment before you even begin to try and deal with the depression you’re suffering from. Your mother sounds like she is compounding/causing some of your problems, and without that constant negative influence in your life you may find that your situation improves rather quickly.

Consider looking into homeless shelters or places in your area where you can stay while you look for a job that you can do despite your conditions. You could also try and get in contact with some Couchsurfing hosts —————————————————^^^^
in your area and see if you could stay with them for a while.

I wish you the best of luck and please don’t forget that you are important in this world. You have a purpose that you may not have found yet, but you will.

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Thank you so much for replying,
and the idea of seeking a homeless shelter is an option I don’t think is for me, I have a dog, and as silly as it sounds he came into my life when I needed a friend, and we are joint at the hip, I’ve had him since he was 4 weeks, hes 7yrs now- I could not live without him. However, more importantly as a young woman who has been assaulted before, I would feel very unsafe in that environment, also the womens shelters in the area are for only battered woman who need to hide from their partners. I know of couch surfing, but then again as a previously assaulted woman that makes me really nervous.

[Hidden]
Lanard (4) (@KLCT) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi I would do research into governmental aid. If you’re not 18 yet you can become an independent. There is disability aid, food stamps, section 8 for housing, and lots more to look into. All of this wont put you up in the hills but its sounds like you’re in the worst case scenario and working on getting out seems like a move in the right direction. Are there any family members or friends or even neighbors who would care to take in? I agree with Brendan saying change your physical surroundings before attempting to figure out the mental stuff. A breath of fresh air wouldn’t be bad though. When you can without putting yourself in harm try goin to a library or park where you can calmly think and BREATHE. This contradicts what I usually believe but whenever you run out of reasons to live just remember you haven’t died yet so no need to give up so easy. Some of us find meaning and if some of us can win then what makes you any different? It might be harder and more difficult to find your answer and maybe you won’t find it but make it your purpose and I promise when it’s all over if you gave your all you’ll be satisfied with the result.

[Hidden]
jm (23) (@kkylekittell24) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi, i wish i had more to give but the only thing i can do is give you someone to talk to. The best thing to do is to slowly build yourself a support system. I have a friend that seems to be in the same situation, stuck, and with no one willing to lend a hand. I wish i could do so much more for him but im so caught up with life that it is hard to give him my attention. But anyways have faith that you went through all this for a reason and eventually things will began to fall into place, until then, relax. Step out of it all, observe whats going on inside and out. You are strong, if you wernt you would have taken the easy way out. You can learn to love and appriciate who you are, trust me, i can already see that you are beautiful.

[Hidden]
TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi, are there any friends or relatives or someone you trust that you can move in with for free, at least for a little while? Someone who is understanding of your situation?

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I’m 24, I was a part of division of vocational rehab to go to school, but I lost funding when I got sick and couldn’t do my finals and dropped below their grade requirements. They told me if I go back and pay myself and get above the grade requirement I can get back in the program.. Its just finding a job that I’m having trouble with, between hospitals, disease and physical therapy, I don’t have a resume to give, and I cant do anything physical. I don’t know a thing about section 8 housing, but if its anything like the urban housing where I use to stay in the Bronx where my assault happened, I’m too afraid to be alone in such a situation. I don’t know if I can get disability aid because a lawyer has been in battles with my insurance over letting into physical therapy, I have 2 MRI’s to prove I have it, but they can argue its not so bad because apparently back injuries are easy to argue, or so the lawyer says. Again I don’t have any family to turn to. My brother and I have never had a relationship and he lives with my father who beat me until I was 16, hes also trying to kick me off his health insurance even though he knows I’m sick, they are just humans I never want to associate with again. I have a sister who has a family now, but when I called her up one day crying for help she said to leave her and her family alone.

[Hidden]
Peace (5) (@ezetelneser) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi I can help u financially, I got a lot of money I don’t need… Give me ur email so we can talk privately…

[Hidden]
Maddison Woody (1) (@99natives) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

You are more than welcome to message me and I will provide as much support as I can. I have suffered in similar situations, of course they are not the exact same, but I feel as if I can relate to how you are feeling right now. I would like to help as much as I can and I know sometimes the best thing is to know someone cares and is there to listen.

[Hidden]
Lanard (4) (@KLCT) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi I recommend you do your on research into how the disability aid and other government programs work. If it prevents you from being able to do normal physical activity that’s legit. I don’t know any off top but that has to be charities somewhere around you that can provide some type of help. Every opportunity that opens is crucial. At some point your mom has to be sober. No matter how small that window might be try as best you can to get through to her that your relationship is not healthy and is both physically and mentally harmful. Counselors at the places you don’t want to stay at can at the very least provide an open ear. Call hotlines, use relative chatrooms(like this one and others that can provide professional advice), and read up as much as possible. Exhausting those resources I’m sure you’ll find some sort help that is actually productive in helping your situation and not just a pat on the back. I hope that I and/or someone else here can provide some advice that works.

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

thank you, its nice to have support, escaping the madness of the mind that makes me feel so alone.

[Hidden]
TheGiantSquid (1,100) (@thegiantsquid) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi, Damn, that’s quite a situation you have got there. You have gotten some good advice from what i have looked through so far, also couchsurfing is legit. Do you have any other relatives you can turn to for help other than your parents and siblings. Definitely look up the governments disability aid, my cousin was on that til she passed on and it was really helpful for her. I know life is hard for you right now but it will get better, you can look at this as an opportunity to grow as a person, or you this could just be the storm before the good times ahead for you. Hopefully you get out of your current situation, and if you need someone to talk to in the future you can also message me.

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

thank you :)

[Hidden]
Anonymous (170) (@) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@insurgi, I really empathize with you. I myself have dealt with abuse as a result of family members that suffered from addiction. I have also dealt with depression and anxiety disorders as a result. There is no easy answer, but you can’t let them win. Your life is a beautiful precious thing, that given the chance and environment will, I’m positive, blossom. Only if you decide to make it so, it all comes down to you. I personally finally had to stand up to my father, and actually fight him a few times, and I’m a peaceful person. I’ve seen him hold a gun to his head and tell my mom he would kill himself, if she didn’t give him money for drugs. It finally came to us having to cut him out of our lives. Today, in a way, I’m grateful for going through that, because now know one can hurt me mentally, I’m stronger for it. So please stick with it, and use your wits to overcome it, and I guarntee, you will have the strength and confidence to carry through any situation. If you ever need to talk please message me.

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Im glad I decided to join and post on this site, I have never felt so surrounded with like minded people with such warmth and humanity inside them. You all have transformed my night and took my black hole and made it into an einstein rosen bridge

[Hidden]
Satori (2,211)C (@stephaniekaitlyn) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I had a DB on here about depression I’m not sure why it disappeared. But luckily I saved it.. here’s my story. I hope it will help you. Because I was in your mental state once.. and my life has completely flipped 180 since then.

“This is a long one. If you don’t feel like reading it all you can scroll to the question on the bottom. But if you’ve experience depression maybe this will help you share your story because I want to hear it.

I feel like I can be open about my life here. So I’ll share mine.

Depression for me started when I was 15. It was accompanied by teenage angst and rebellion of course but nevertheless it was still depression. When I was 14 I left my homeland, the Philippines, along with my siblings to live with our mother and stepfather in the United States. I struggled a bit with the transition the first year. But I somehow adapted to the American lifestyle quickly. However my relationship with my mother had gone to shambles and I began to develop hatred towards my stepfather. The constant fighting, screaming, bickering, etc. was enough to drive me insane. I began cutting myself. I felt so alone. Disconnected. Hated my life. Wished for a new one. One of the main roots of my depression.

Then I found a group of amazing friends who helped me stop cutting. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, changed my life and I had a tiny glimpse of happiness instantly hovered by another dreadful change. We had to move again. Loathed my entire family.. I became even more distant. My relationship with my mother worsened throughout the years. I graduated from high school. Around this time I was thirsty for something. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. It was an empty hole in my heart slowly eating through my insides. Yes, I was depressed. At this point it was major depression. I wanted to get out of it so desperately. But I didn’t know how.

So I fell in love instead. I thought it would make it happy. And it did for the meantime. He became my entire world. Everything revolved around him. He meant more to me than I did to myself. It was toxic, boy was it toxic. I was recklessly, perilously attached to him. To the point where I didn’t know how to live when he wasn’t around. I would just sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t hangout with my friends. Didn’t care about anything but him. Cried when I missed him and I was alone. Every time he came I dreaded when he would leave. I couldn’t live without him. I needed him. My depression was at its worst. I was borderline suicidal. So I moved out of my house and into the arms of a man who I valued more than life itself. It was an addicting love. When we were good we were extremely fantastic. We were bad we were horribly dangerous to each other. We brought out the best in each other.. but brought out more of the worst than the best. Constant fights, verbal (and some physical) abuse, threats… we were living in an illusionary world spiraling in and out of the borderline of love and insanity. Three years later.. two life-changing books later.. one morning I woke up and had an epiphany. It was like waking up from a deep slumber and everything prior to that moment had been a dream. My thoughts were saying “Stay! Don’t leave! You’ll never find anything better. Stay here! Be comfortable. He’s all you need. He’s all you need. You will never be happy without him.” But something deeper and much more powerful inside me pushed all those thoughts away and told me that I needed to leave. “Find yourself.”

So I left. Moved back in with my family. I rekindled my relationship with my mother. With my entire family. I was mostly in tears for a whole week (only a week surprisingly). Then my friend told me about the book, The Power of Now. I began to read it and didn’t let it go until I was done. A book that gave me clarity from the collective confusion I was experiencing. It was like a gift from the universe to me.. in over two hundred pages.. it defined everything that I had been going through my whole life. I became aware of my ego. That I had an inner self and it just finally woke up. Then I learned how to meditate. Practiced it a few times a day. Ever since then I have never felt depression.. not even for a second. That cloud constantly floating over my head disappeared into nothingness and was replaced by light. I started seeing everything clear. Like I was born again. The gray world I’ve lived in for years became vibrant and so full of life. I would no longer burst into tears out of depression.. I would cry out of this unexplainable heart pounding, body-tingling sensation of pure happiness out of nowhere. Chills all over my body. All it took was watching the sunset. Or a flock of birds. Or trees swaying. The waves of the Pacific Ocean glittering through the distance. Just being HERE. Being in THIS MOMENT. Not living in the past or future. But right here. Right now. It’s all we can ever have. This moment is all we can ever have. That’s all it took to ignite to fiery feeling of pure bliss inside of me.. Satori (my shoulder tattoo) is what I call it.. a glimpse of sudden enlightenment. Being in the knowing. Where inner spaciousness arises is it releases an influx of thoughts and emotions into nothingness. Replaced by waves of universal bliss. I will never be the same again. I am now awake. My journey has begun. I am following my bliss. And the universe is within us waiting to burst through our pores to coalesce with the rest of itself.”

I just want you to know that you are NEVER ALONE. I know what it feels like.. thinking you’re left with nothing and no one gives a flying fuck. It’s not true. It’s depression.. it’s an illusion. You will have the life you deserve. You will be stronger and you will become the best you can be. All it takes is meditation and a complete change of perception. Trust me if this worked for me it can work for anybody. If you want to talk more message me. Anytime.

[Hidden]
Webshea! (9) (@thelightofgod) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

She’s right!Everyone’s story is different but the way to change is in you!Also it takes work everyday,Mentally ,Spiritually ,Phsically ,Emotionally………..always keep positive people around you,and stay away from any conflict.DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY CONFLICT.I dont know about drug use but,if any, STOP.You will not ever get a handle on your life with it.

[Hidden]
Susie (0) (@smath5612) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Living in the house with an abusive person is not an option for me. It never gets better only worse. It is a progressive disease. I once lived in a homeless shelter, but you can’t stay there all day, you have to get out in the morning and return in the afternoon. As far as your pet goes, do you want to help yourself in order to be able to see after other things. I think your life would bemore important than trying to keep a pet, no matter when you found it. What good is a pet in the house with an ausive person, does the pet get abused too.

[Hidden]
Insurgi (6) (@insurgi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

nope, Carino isn’t abused, hes spoiled and loved and attached to my hip. I know its hard to understand, but our bond is so strong if I don’t have him I will not live on this planet. I’m his pack leader and he needs me and I need him.

[Hidden]
Viewing 17 reply threads
load more