I’m on house arrest except, I don’t have one of those chains wrapped around my foot. I have the wrath of E.D. (eating disorder) entangled around my heart and soul. To be bound by the walls of restriction, low self-esteem, and control, is like a prison. There’s a death sentence waiting around the corner, knocking on my door, waiting to take over.
I never thought I would understand myself separate from my eating disorder. I never thought I would understand the wrath of the disease. The constant thoughts about food and weight have consumed my brain. I did not have to think about my past, present, or future. I was stuck in a black hole, spiraling out of control, to the chambers of death. I was losing the battle with myself. It wasn’t until I got parole from ED, that I started living life beyond its four walls.
Beyond those walls lie a lot of suffering and fear. I discovered I was running away from a past that I did not want to face. A past full of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I was, and I am scared, to this day, to face it all. In order to break free from my prison, I know I must face the trauma and pain of my past. All of the tears shed and blood dropped, could never heal the wounds.There is not a day that goes by that it all doesn’t enter my thoughts.
Today, I get glimpses of a universe separate from ED. I live a life rich in love and freedom, filled with HOPE. I take each day one moment at a time. I reach out to supports and work hard in therapy. I take control of my recovery, instead of ED controlling me. Along the way, I may lose my sights and revert back to past behaviors that temporarily fill a void, but I have insight to keep me on my path, a path filled with hope and freedom. My chains are breaking and the real me is knocking on my door.