So. I was raped most of my life, starting at age 4. At 12 it happened again, and I had my V card taken without knowing what in the hell it was. I was forced to give head to every man who ever laid a gods damn hand on me.
I have a boyfriend now, and when he asks to do 69 and I refuse, he loses interest and seems upset. I’ve told him VAGUELY the reasons why I won’t do that – his response “I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like to do that” that makes me feel fucking super.
I get that most of you will say “get out of the relationship” but that’s not what I want, because outside of that – we are happy. But it’s an issue for me, because I feel like he is just waiting for a pair of lips to jump on his cock and then he’ll leave me.
Can anyone help?!
So. Tell him SPECIFICALLY the reasons, just like you are doing to us, complete strangers. He is your partner and your reasons will make him understand, hopefully.
If you keep him guessing about the reason, I doubt that he will come to the conclusion by himself. Maybe he thinks there is something wrong with HIM even, and THAT makes him feel upset?
Your feelings are much more important to him than a temporary burst of pleasure :)
Communication is key
Hello. While I can’t relate directly to your experience, I do want to help you out. My first piece of advice is to check out Teal Scott on youtube. She calls herself “The Spiritual Catalyst” and has an extensive history of being abused sexually. Check out some of her videos. I think her videos can help you more than I ever could.
My next piece of advice might sound a bit harsh given your stance and all you’ve been through. Learn to enjoy giving head. Don’t let those assholes who’ve taken advantage of you in the past take that pleasure away from you. Your boyfriend wants it to be a loving experience and when you refuse, he feels rejected as a person.
I think most importantly, you need to explain this situation to your boyfriend. Perhaps you’re not comfortable enough with him yet, but if you wish to experience true intimacy with this man, then you’ll need to open up. I’m not going to lie. It is going to be difficult, but it’s what needs to happen. You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.
I know you fear that he’ll leave if you agree to do it. I’m not going to lie. It’s a possibility, but it seems like a small one that’s not very likely. I think that if he was that shallow, he would have bailed after the first time you refused him. Besides, if he does leave, then fuck him. You don’t need that. I’ve learned in my life that you should never be afraid to walk away from any relationship that doesn’t serve you.
This is a wonderful opportunity for you to become the strong women you know you are. As hard as it is, do your best to drop the victim mentality. It does nothing positive for you.
One more thing: If you decide to take my advice – take it slowly. You had the conversation with your boyfriend. He understands and supports you. You’re going to enjoy this. It’s not a chore. Watch with delightment as his eyes roll into the back of his head.
I hope this helps. It’s a little weird given that I’m a man with no direct experience in these matters. However, I do have some friends and family members who have been sexually abused as children and I’ve seen some of the hangups it can lead to later on down the road in life. It’s important to have these issues dealt with in order to grow.
Best of luck.
I would suggest you tell him (actually tell him, not vaguely hint at) what happened to you, and how that trauma is the reason that you aren’t willing to do oral. If he doesn’t accept that, then I would take that as a red flag regarding his maturity. If you aren’t ready to tell him about it, then in my mind you probably aren’t ready to to be physical with him (please keep in mind that I don’t come from a background of abuse – I realize that I have no idea how hard it is to tell people about that, please don’t think I am trying to criticize you). Personally if I told someone I didn’t want to do a particular thing, I would expect them to respect that, but you’ve stated that you don’t want to leave so those are the two best paths I see.
You are allowing your past to control you in the present and will continue to do so. How many times in your past has someone left you and you believed that was the reason. At some point you adopted the belief that men leave you after they get oral sex. In doing so you created a self fulfilling prophecy and strengthened the belief with each recurrence. Expose the belief, bring it out in the open, reject it and replace with something positive that will happen instead. If He leaves you, I can assure you with 100% certainty that it will not be because you gave him a blow job!
He’s more likely to leave if you don’t. There’s lot’s of reasons for people to end relationships. It’s only fitting to say that what really sucks is that you’ve blown this whole issue out of proportion.
You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable doing, just make sure fear doesn’t force you to do what you don’t want to do, then you just betray yourself, and that is worse than being alone, worse than anything.
I’d say if a guy leaves you for not doing that, his priorities are wrong, and you will be worse off staying with someone because you are afraid to lose them. When go against ourselves for fear we cause ourselves the greatest pain, so strong we don’t even really see it but it hurts us for a very long time in ways we dot realise.
First, don’t be mad at him for asking. He didn’t know you had issues with that and surely his intention in asking wasn’t malevolent in any way. He just wanted to do something and asked if you wanted to as well, and your answer was no, which is totally acceptable.
However, now he DOES know that you don’t want to do it, so if he asks again or tries to pressure you into it then DO get mad at him. You have every right to be upset at that point. Be honest with him if he tries to pressure you into it. Say, “Hey, you’re being an ass, I don’t want to do it ok? So get over it.” Give him two or three more chances and say something to this effect every time.
If he continues to bother you about it then the relationship is only about sex to him, and unfortunately you need to dump him.
Obviously you need to talk to him about it. If he’s your boyfriend and you care about each other he’ll shut up and listen and you can cry in his arms and once you realize you two love each other, you can revisit the issue in your mind from a place of love, and not past pain.
I see all these people saying “dump him”, but if you truly are happy outside of your sexual life, I ‘d advise you to tell him exactly why you’re not comfortable with giving him head. Let down the boundaries you’ve put over your true self. If he leaves you because he’s not comfortable with being in a relationship with a victim of sexual assault, then he never really loved the true you. But this is just my opinion. Completely meditate on the situation, try to look at your thoughts from as many perspectives as possible, including his. You already know the answer within yourself, you just need to find it. Do what makes you happy.
It must be difficult because of how the past brings back those memories. If your boyfriend loves you, then it should, with difficulty understandably, be possible for you to explain everything to him. On that basis he is free to be a lot more understanding as to why you don’t want to do that particular thing.
You can make your relationship even happier by freely communicating this.
Good luck, stay happy :)
I personally have no real reason for my life long refusal besides “sorry I just dont want a dick in my mouth”
if the person im with doesnt respect it or gets annoyed/mad ot even whiny or needy I just feel like that is a great red flag for inevitable failure of the relationship.
I think that whether you do need to let go and detach from the events in your past or not, stick to what feels right for YOU and that means not allowing the pressure from others interfere with that.
Well, the important quesiton is do YOU WANT to do it?
If you don’t want to change this, then what’s the problem?
If he’d leave you for something like that, he’s a piece of shit and you shouldn’t waste your time on him. If he can’t give up the blowjobs for you, he’s messed up and doesn’t love you.
But I don’t think that’s the case. If you’re happy, you’re happy. He won’t mind losing out on such a thing.
But yknow, guys don’t accept things without a reason. If you don’t tell him why you can’t do it, he won’t stop asking. If you give him a reason, he will back off and accept it. You can’t be vague with a guy, that just annoys him and makes him confused.
If you don’t wanna suck dick, you shouldn’t do it. That’s all there’s to it.
And I doubt anyone would question you for it, when you’ve been abused like that. Seriously, if someone can’t understand your stance, they’re messed up.
Does he give u head? If he does not then why should u. Giving and getting simultainiously ,for me personally I can’t enjoy getting head if im concentrating on giving head. If he goes down on u make sure he is doing it because he wants to and not to make u feel obligated to do it back. Maybe u need more time to get to know eachother. Do u have regular sex with him yet?
In a quality relationship you should be able to discuss these issues and concerns.
I agree with manimal about your being vague – you should discuss it with him because its serious and heavy, and is also something that will show you true colors of this relationship.