Roommates problem

 vlad (@vlad93) 7 years, 9 months ago

Hi! I am a new member and i want to begin by saluting everyone around here and by expressing my sincere respect towards this website and it’s entire community.

So i am at college in the first year and i live in a students boarding school with 3 others in a room (we all live in the same room, it is like 25-30 square metters). I am like the newbie in the room because the others have been there for a year or more.

What bothers me is that one of them is very..i don’t know how to say it..very damn lazy…i mean it seems like he forfeit life and now all he does is playing games and sleeping…and he is 26. He is waisting all his time by playing games and sleeping, literally; he does not take care of himself, doesn’t clean, doesn’t wash laundry, doesn’t wash himself, and the list can go on and on…he doesn’t do anything at all. I understood from the others roommates that he is taking some kind of antidepressives and that he had problems in the past with depression.

I tryed to talk with him but about this things…asked him if he doesn’t get bored of this life and doesn’t want to do something else, asked him why doesn’t take care of him and so on..but every time he was non responsive…like he didn’t even heard me and kept playing those games.

I am not like a clean maniac but, man, i hate it when i enter the room and he is still playing games, his dishes get stacked over and over, his computer and his desk is literally filled with mud from all that dust that has accumulated. The others 2 colleagues are like very judgemental with him and very ironic, like seemed to forfeit trying to help him and now just making jokes of his actual state.

Why i posted here, on HE? Because i really don’t know what to do, should i try to help him?how?
should i not care and mind of my own bussiness…it is kinda hard because his way of being is interacting every day with mine and not in the good way…it is like there is something that is itching me
i also cannot leave because, for the moment, i cannot afford to live somewhere else.. so for at least one year i will be in this room

The others 2 colleagues are ok, but they also seem to fall in a kinda similar state…they also spend lots of time on pc doing nothing, and they started to be familiar with this lazy way of living

The room is very dirty, i often clean…but is very annoying when u are the only one doing it. And the problem is that i told them like let’s clean the room and invited them to help me with the clean up but they were like “the dust will be there again tomorow so why bother?”.

The worst thing is that they are all bigger then me, 26, 25, 21 and i am 20 and i feel kinda odd to tell them to clean up…wash ur dishes and things like that…it’s like weird to say these things to people bigger than me…it is supposed that u must knew these things already.
I also am afraid to not fall into this state myself

Anyhow, i don’t know how to handle this problem either..

I appreciate any advice :).

January 5, 2014 at 4:20 pm
hello (113) (@smortlur51) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I would say lead by example, just start doing the things that you know you should be doing. My guess is that he won’t respond to direct confrontation of you telling him he should do this or that, he’ll probably just resist that. Maybe try becoming friends with him first so then he knows that you have his interests at heart, not just because its annoying for you to have to deal with his mess. But thats if you want to help him. Or you could just go about and do your own things, because what he is doing doesn’t really affect you. Yeah its an inconvenience that he is a slob, but that’s just how some people are. I would only clean the stuff that is in my area, and then leave all of his in his own. But roommate problems suck, sometimes there is nothing you can do. Just don’t be a dick about it, that will only make things worse

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zowie (115) (@zowie) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

what do you want to do in this situation? if you have something in mind that will help you then you should do it. don’t look back, just know that it is for you.

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i4c1m2b (70) (@i4CiM2B) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

This is a common problem and a really difficult challenge faced by students at every university. You Basically have 3 options. They’re the same for whatever roommate
situation that may come up now or in the future with other roommates. Live with it, deal with it, or move.
The person who chooses to give in and just live with it usually just wants to be accepted, they have low self esteem, self worth and feel that they are at the mercy of forces they can’t control. They may be afraid physically,emotionally, and/or psychologically. For them, living with it is the only option.
The ones who can’t live with it and don’t want to deal with it can generally find away out of it if they have the determination to do so. You can go to the housing office and insist on a change because the environment is not conducive to study. you may have to be persistent and take the issue to a higher level, but the pay off would probably be worth your effort.
You indicated a weakness in your personality that you may or may not be aware of but are wanting to remove for the sake of your future. You said:

“The worst thing is that they are all bigger then me, 26, 25, 21 and i am 20 and i feel kinda odd to tell them to clean up…wash ur dishes and things like that…it’s like weird to say these things to people bigger than me…it is supposed that u must knew these things already.”

You said they’re bigger than you. Did you mean They’re “older” than you ? Either way, it says you are holding on to a belief that is and will continue to limit your progress in life. You’re probably have a strong belief that tells you that you must respect your elders because they’re older and wiser (“it is supposed that u must knew these things already.”) When you go to college, you begin the journey that is your life, and start becoming the man that “YOU” want to be. From now until the end of your life, you have to keep checking your beliefs and assumptions about the world and the people in it and make adjustments to those ideas which clearly limit your potential. This may be the lesson that your roommates are teaching you through this experience:
Old belief…”I should be respectful to those who are older than me. New belief ” I will respect those earn my respect because I share their values and the inspiration I receive by their example, whatever their age.
Old Assumption….These guys are older than me so they should know better. They should know to keep a clean room. New assumption: NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE.
Don’t be afraid to assert yourself. Remind them that you are paying to live in this space and that it is reasonable to expect those who share the room to be fair, reasonable, and respectful of each others shared space. You have other options. It’s very possible that your right where you need to be for any number of reasons. Pay attention to your emotions as they are indicators of beliefs you have about the issue that’s causing you to feel what your feeling. Bad feelings suggest an underlying belief that is limiting you in some way. Ask yourself why you feel this way about this issue. Question the emotion until an answer arises in the form of a belief. Once you’ve exposed the belief you can decide to hold on to it along with the negative emotion that comes with it. You can alter it or discard it altogether.
In the same way, good feelings, positive emotions can be traced to a belief that is beneficial to whatever it is you are wanting..

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Anonymous (30) (@) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

Re: the cleaning issue: http://persephonemagazine.com/2013/09/ask-ufyh-roommate-sabotage/

May be helpful to you.

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vlad (0) (@vlad93) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

Thanks for your responses, i appreciate that u took ur time to do this; it were helpful and what i observed, was that the mere fact that i shared my problem with u did a lot..i felt way better, like i took the problem outside from the cage of my head and exposed it to everyone and now i am the one who controls it, not vice-versa (off topic, so, sharing ur problems make them half solved, ..what we hide is what controls us)

I don’t know how to describe this feeling i have at the moment…it is like i am at peace (maybe is just for this moment while i write), but this is how i feel..like it does not bothers me now…not to understand that i get used to live in mess and dirt, just that i understand that i can’t just flick the fingers and everybody do what i want ( this is that thing tha will help @zowie ) or not to expect that everybody be to my full expectations in one moment; all i can do is, as @hello said, lead by example and be the one i want others to be.

@dave : ” I will respect those earn my respect because I share their values and the inspiration I receive by their example, whatever their age.” i fully agree with u and, in a way, this is how i think..i don’t know why i said the “they are all bigger than me” thing…guess it was kinda of an excuse to my lack of courage to tell them fermly what i believe at that time.

It is really damn weird….i mean….1 day ago i was so frustrated and now i am like the spring wind haha, chill and light…though is a nice feeling :)

Again, thanks for help ;)

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