In the most recent months of my young life I have been introduced to stigmatized substances and discovered their effects on my personal being. What one may be surprised to discover is that my experiences of distorted perception, strong euphoria and giggling while looking in the mirror, was matched with unbelievable insight into my true self. What I am about to discuss is my personal experience with a “drug” and how it opened myself up only to be left ajar. While I spent a mere 2 hours under the influence of MDMA I can’t help but relate it to the usefulness of years of professional psychotherapy.
2:20pm and I have taken the half goldbar, equivalent to 100mg of top of the line MDMA. I was beyond prepared for the experience and was careful not to miss a step. I tested the substance with a marquis reagent kit to prove its purity and claim of being “pure ecstasy”. My environment was also prepared; a large bottle of water mixed with himalayan salt, my comfortable and bright basement, and no expectations to break the beauty of isolation for the next 2-3 hours.
Immediately after swallowing the pill I was face to face with all of my fears. Perhaps what I just took will be too overwhelming, maybe it will be the means to my biological end, or maybe i’m just paranoid. I proceeded to watch a film, hoping to take my mind off these thoughts. To add a spiritual vibe I decide to put on Huachuma Documentary starring Aubrey Marcus. Little did I know that after setting it up and preparing my own intentions that I would feel the drug begin to take a hold of me. I felt a warmth in my cranial region. It was as though the drug were caressing my brain and preparing it for either pure torture or extreme euphoria. At this point I began to document how I felt with voice memos but swept away from my focus and my train of thought, washed away by a tsunami of energy, building in my body. This was way too much, and getting more intense by the second. I was curious that if this energy became too powerful I might just lose consciousness or end up launched into a psychedelic dream. When the energy began to die down I was relieved and overly happy like I just escaped my own mortality. Then it began.
The high energy was hardly comparable. Perhaps similar with that of an extra large coffee, but eliminating the discomfort or jittery feeling. The space around me seemed brighter and vibrating. This was what MDMA felt like. Now that I had achieved to understand what it was like my work had just began! I decided I would use this to explore the negativity of my life and what lied underneath. Where do I begin? School.”I fucking hate school. Wait, do I?” Clear thoughts on the subject filled my head. But I hardly had to ponder the question because I was effortlessly launched into a flow state of reason and my true emotions with no self critical distraction. I was open up to discovered my love of being in this place where I was constantly creating new pathways in my brain, discovering the world through different lenses, and finding out how to express myself. After achieving this realization that I was lying to myself about the “daily grind” I discovered another incredible insight; my love for people. I had always had troubles with the idea of love in the past, and finally realized what it was. I now knew what unconditional love was and I felt it for everyone! My eyes were open, my thoughts were clear and I could almost feel everything in my body glowing with energy and happiness. Maslows “love and belonging” was a need I had been stuck on for almost my entire life, but was now honestly understanding what it was. Of course my train of thought was on the tracks at full speed and the topic changed to the anxiety I had developed in high school. My brain was glowing and my memories all seemed fresh. I could re-live recess in kindergarten and walk through my classroom again noticing each detail. I used this memory trick to discover the underlying experiences that stuck out from grade school to the present and how they each changed my path. Nothing traumatic but everything counted and changed me. I was largely influenced by my family in many ways growing up and found out that growing up in a house of daily verbal wars and loud voiced opinions between my parents had cut deep in me and forced me to lose touch of what love was. I had also been detrimentally affected by the sheer loudness of both my parents, I had anxiety because I was always expecting people to attack my opinions. This forced me into an introvert lifestyle at a young age to protect myself, close off from the world and run from my home life. This running never stopped. The only love I knew growing up was seeing my brother and his friends. Mistakenly I had attempted to follow these foot steps which lead me astray in high school; freedom, belonging, and escape in a group of people I truly hated. To say the least I was fucked up and didn’t understand what love was for my entire life. My false belief structure had turned me borderline insane. But I had finally found love, and I would never forget.
2 Hours of sitting on my couch talking to a voice recording app. 2 Hours of my life where I finally let go of all the emotional baggage of my life. I was free. As the energy and euphoric emotions slipped away with the oxidation of the substance I rejoiced in the new found gratitude for my well being, and unconditional love for everyone I would come in contact with during the many days to follow. What I didn’t realize was the fear in the back of my head that worried this happiness and love would only be temporary was unnecessary. Since the experience my mind if left ajar, along with my personal self. I am no longer needing to run away, but instead running towards people, wishing to be a beacon of love and happiness for every life that I touch.
Of course while the substance had unbelievable positive and permanent effects on my psyche,
a night of restless sleep followed, accompanied by a brief headache in the morning. Surprisingly the morning was not one of mild depression like I had expected, instead I felt a presence of immense excitement to continue with my day, see people and live. I caution anyone who feels motivation to self medicate with MDMA that it is potentially neurotoxic, harmful to your body and if your are getting it from a street source will most likely be methylone. I urge one to be careful and take the precautions to care for their health if you are to come in connection with this medicine. If you are to use the substance do it in a safe environment with either a single sitter (really close friend) or alone.
In closing I can easily say MDMA is the most amazing substance I have come in contact with. The therapeutic value has made me happy to be in my own skin and open up to the world in a way I never thought was possible. This being said I would never attempt to recreate this event or feeling with MDMA again. As though my mind has been opened up to the experience permanently I feel I can recreate the euphoric and open sensations with meditation or any sober self reflection. So while I can’t legally recommend this sort of therapy, I can recommend to search for a similar happiness in your own life no matter how you get there. The moment you find it, is the moment your life truly begins.
I’m just going to make notes as I read this:
– why the salt, with the water? is it to prevent dehydration..
– just clarifying, when realizing all the thoughts, you were speaking into an app and recording everything?
– you only feel the symptoms of mild depression if you roll regularly, like every weekend consecutively. i was worried about the same and read more and realized that the depression only kicks in when the serotonin balance is seriously messed up through regularly use. i would suggest that you pace yourself and give yourself 3-4 weeks till the next journey.
– i also felt so alive and fresh the entire week that followed. my hangover was pretty brutal thought, because i didn’t drink any water and literally just slept most of the next day.
– i felt really social and really wanted to get to know people during my high. it was so beautiful and amazing. the kind of introspective journey only really happened to me through shrooms. it was utterly emotional and cathartic and i spent hours crying with a close friend.
thanks for sharing. xx