5 weeks ago I was dumped by the only guy I’ve ever been in love with. Also the only guy I ever thought I have had the capability of loving. I’ve dated other people but I always got bored. Though I try to live my life without attachments, I got really attached to this person and I didn’t realize it until he let me go. There are a lot of reasons why our relationship wasn’t working and I know that but it makes me feel really unloved and worthless. I was more attached than he was and he couldn’t see himself with me long-term, even though he does have feelings for me. We had never talked about how we felt about each other before we broke up and I think this was a problem. Another big reason why it wasn’t working is that I will be out of the country for the next year and everyone knows long-distance relationships are almost impossible to maintain. He still wants to be close but this is really hard for me.
The problem I am running into is that my self-esteem has plummeted. It seems like our relationship should have been perfect. We are really alike and share a lot of the same interests and really respect each other, yet he couldn’t love me. That destroyed me. I don’t think there are many people in this world I am compatible with and I don’t know when I’ll find someone else. Not only that, I feel like if this guy couldn’t love me, then who will? He has said before that I have qualities that aren’t really for him, and I obsess over what’s “wrong” with me even though I know I shouldn’t.
The good news is that it has made me examine myself and my imperfections, as well as consider aspects of who I used to be and wondering if I want them back. This seems like the perfect time for soul-searching and I will go a day or two being happy or feeling normal but I just keep getting dragged back down. I have a hard time connecting with people. Even most of my close friends don’t understand me. I used to wish there were more people in the world like me but now I almost wish I could be like everybody else. Those blonde girls walking around the mall with Victoria’s Secret bags and giggling and gossiping sure look a lot happier than I do. But I think no matter how much I try, I can’t get past my morals and intellectuality.
For the first time in my life I am really, really unhappy about being myself. I wish I was different but I don’t know who I want to be. I have been losing weight because I barely eat, I barely sleep and have been so depressed that my doctor put me on anti-depressants. I’m typically pretty against drugs (I can count the time I’ve taken pain reliever in the past 5 years on one hand). I normally try to tough things out and fix them myself but I don’t know what the fuck to do. I hate being me. I wish I could change, but I don’t know who I want to be. And I am so down I don’t have the motivation to change even if I knew.
Sorry for the rant. It felt good to get that written down. Feel free to contribute thoughts or advice.
@emmaclaire (beautiful name by the way) Girl– my heart aches for you. when iwas reading this post i seriously felt my stomach lurch because i know EXACTLY where you are at. before i tell you anything else i need to tell you that taking anti-depressants is very risky for several reasons. the most important reason is that their effectiveness has never been proven. i have been on them for years but my brain is fried and the changes theyve had on my brain make it impossible for me to come off them. each time i have, ive been placed in a mental institution. i know all this may sound completely insane, but i know youre going through a lot right now and i just feel the responsibility to warn you of this. if you want more information, you should check out the book “anatomy of an epidemic” by robert whitaker.
emma, those blonde girls walking around the mall with victorias secret bags do not even touch how beautiful and valuable i feel like you are. because you KNOW, because you understand, that all of that stuff–is just so damn SHALLOW. it is completely far away from a person’s soul and there’s no way that way overpriced lingerie can give a person that much fulfillment. or make them any more beautiful. i know it may be tempting to give yourself away because you feel like that stuff is the only “desirable” stuff for men nowadays, but girl, there IS someone who understands out there, i promise you that. and the thing is you cant predict when he will come. it will be sudden and it will happen in an instant, and suddenly everything may change. imagine:what if you changed yourself completely to be like those dumb other girls, and then you met the guy you could have been with, had you stayed true to yourself? imagine how frustrated and angry you would feel.
this post really spoke to me. i have to leave the house for a bit now, but when i come back i have a few things i wanna share.
youre in my thoughts girl <3
@emmaclaire, this story is about you:
There is a girl. She is beautiful. She is very, very beautiful– her soul, her looks, her personality, just everything. She is also very mysterious. A lot of guys like her, but it takes a lot for her to like a guy back. She just has so much inside her soul. She doesn’t live for the same things other people do. Because of this, it’s hard for her to relate to anyone.
But many men fall for her. Longing to get a peek into her soul which she keeps so hidden away, yet is also so apparently beautiful to everyone around her, they stick around her and pursue her and try to sway her with gifts. You know, she is touched by their offers, but at the end of the day, it is someone who truly understands her that she longs for. Then her mystery won’t be so. She will be mysterious, in a way, but this person will get her… this person, who is so much like her, will know her, and there will be real love and commitment there. This is what the men who are pursuing her do not understand.
One day she meets a boy who will change her world. She is touched by him and he by her. Even with him, however, it is hard for her to reveal himself. He, like the other men, pursue her, except this time she is interested in the one who is so interested in her. After many months and ups and downs, the girl surrenders her heart to the man. She falls so in love: her whole world suddenly makes sense to another person. She sees herself reflected in him, and he sees himself reflected in her. She decides this is it; this is the one for her. She will surrender her life, her wishes, her hopes and everything else for this boy who she has shared every intimate moment with. Finally her mystery is put to good use: this boy who she loves and who loves her will never, ever take advantage of it, or her. He knows her; he loves her. This is the kind of love she has always wished for but never believed could happen.
But something has happened, the girl doesn’t know what. The man, who was a boy when they first met, does not seem as interested in her any longer. His life is full of new excitement and new things that he has never experienced before. The girl doesn’t know what her problem is. She looks herself up and down in the mirror. “Undesirable,” she decides. She doesn’t know how to fix herself. She showed herself to him, showed him who she was, and now she is feeling like this. Feeling alone. Where did her mystery go? Where are the days of her soul being nourished, God reassuring her of her worth, her wishing for a partner who would fall madly in love with her and who would understand? She is understood!!!! She IS understood, so why has he gone?? She was once understood about him, but now she can hardly grasp this pain. It’s abandonment of a very subtle, cutting sort. She wants to cry but she can’t let herself, because she is afraid that if she does, she will never stop. She is also afraid that if she cries the pain will consume her. It isn’t the same. Something isn’t the same… because he can’t have really known her, to be treating her like this. Why is he doing this? Why was he with her in the first place? Doesn’t he know better than to leave her like this? She considers the thought: what if the love he had for me was never true, never as true as the one she had for him? The thought suffocates her, but she cannot talk to him about it, because he is consistently absent, and she is also afraid of making him mad.
She is so puzzled and raw. She has already revealed her soul to him, so what does she have? The answer is everything she has EVER had. She is beautiful, and more so than ever. Men everywhere wish for her soul but they are aware of her relationship. The girl wishes she could go back to the days where she felt pursued and lovely.
And now a part of her just wants to let go, let go of everything, let go of him. Why? Because she misses the days when she felt beautiful. He never makes her feel beautiful anymore. The girl is sad so much of the time. He takes her for granted and she is no longer pursued as if she is wondrous and mysterious and full of depth.
She wonders where he went. She thinks that they relate perfectly and have the same souls. He understands her and she understands him. They have had such sweet love and fellowship. He promised to never leave, and he hasn’t– at least, not in an official way. But she misses him with her whole soul. She also misses feeling alive. She desperately misses the feelings of love he used to create in her. As time goes on, they are fewer and farther in between. She wishes for him but no matter what she says, no matter how much she protests, no matter how much she tells him she misses him and she needs him, he doesn’t change. He will leave her to suffer for a time that cannot be determined.
One day the girl just decides to walk away. It’s the only life she’s ever known. She has to live; she has to feel her life, feel how lovely is, feel all of the promises of the creator about her value, find something that will wrap her heart in a blanket. She has to feel beauty and color. She has to blush and laugh and run excitedly and be a beautiful being that will never, ever be taken for granted. She is in a lot of pain, but she knows the pain does not compare to the subtle pain of being ignored. As if she were ever worthy to be ignored. She is beautiful; she is mysterious, and she will find her way. God has already found her way for her. And to him, she is the Queen of the world.
@lennui, Katie, Thank you so much. You are so sweet. That is exactly what I needed to hear. I won’t heal overnight, but thank you so much for helping me in the process. I need to pick myself up and be happy. I shouldn’t waste time feeling down on myself when I could be living a full life. This will take me a while to completely understand. But you’re right. Thank you.
@emmaclaire, c: just so you know, i didnt mean to say it would be a waste of time to feel down, or that healing was a simple, easy-to-understand thing. im not sure if thats how you interpreted it, but i just want to make sure to clarify that because its pretty much impossible to make yourself feel good after going through something like that. its better to face it, and feel it for what it is, than distract yourself and feel it for a prolonged period of time, at least in my experience. hope youre having a good night
@emmaclaire Well I don’t know if this will help you exactly, but here is a guy’s perspective. I used to date one of the “blonde girls walking around the mall with Victoria’s Secret bags”. I couldn’t even have a conversation with this girl because she was too superficial and shallow. There are definitely guys out there who are looking for a girl who brings more to the table than good looks. You seem like a really interesting girl and I don’t think you should try to change yourself to be like those boring kinds of girls. After going through a break-up of my own, I know how you are feeling too. There are so many things you can do now with your free time and after investing the last however many months/years with that person, you feel like you lost yourself completely. I’m still even trying to find myself now after my break-up and it’s frustrating. I just want to say I know what you’re going through.
@cproject, Hey Colin, thanks so much for your input. I know deep in my heart I couldn’t be one of those girls if I tried. I think mostly I’m just… jealous of their blissful ignorance. Like I was just born predisposed to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders when so many people just don’t care and can somehow rationalize that.
I know what you’re saying about my free time. What’s frustrating me is I spend so much time down and depressed that I’m not accomplishing anything and I can’t shake myself out of it. My thoughts start going in a negative direction and I can’t control it, and before I know it I’m emotionally overwhelmed and I can’t get back to feeling normal. I really need to start to control my thoughts.
Anyway, thank you for letting me know that you sympathize. What you said reminds me of a quote from my favorite poet. (Don’t know if it will mean anything to you)
“Sometimes the most healing thing is to tell yourself over and over, other people feel this too.”
I wish you the best of luck with finding yourself and doing the things you love. :)
@lennui, Also I want you to know that I made the decision tonight to stop taking the anti-depressants. I’ve only been on them three days but I can feel them fucking with me. They are messing up my sleep and I feel like I’m drunk or something. Not cool. Thank you for convincing me of something I should have guessed for myself. :)
@emmaclaire, hey, I didn’t read this whole thing but PLEASE don’t change yourself just for a guy, like, don’t become like those girls you don’t really want to be like just for someone else. It’s always best to listen to your true self, no good will come of trying to ignore it. I look back on a time when I was trying to be with this one girl, and while I was willfully ignorant to it then, I can now see how I was changing myself for her, changing myself into someone I didn’t really want to be – I was not really listening to my heart. I’m glad it didn’t work out for me, as I would only have been unhappy anyway.
I could not tell too much about you from your profile but I saw your etsy shop, and your creations looked pretty intricate and neat. I’d be willing to bet you’re a pretty cool girl. Don’t beat yourself up.
@emmaclaire, Women are very choosier in mate selection, they don,t fall for someone so easily….and when they fall and Hurted in love, there hurt Can be also very very Intense..research by Research by Roy Baurister http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Hearts-Unrequited-Emotions-Behavior/dp/0898621526
Right now any advice from my part and from anyone else Part to Heal your Pain is useless….coz the person who suffer heartache only understand the pain truly or somone who had gone through similar phases…..it appear that other person problem is very simple but that is not the case….
anyways if u want to overcome the Pain than time is the only answer, it will heal wounds not completely but up to a level…and i will also advice it will appear harsh and difficult to burn all his Photos or anything which will make u remember him a lot, make new friends, go for movies, my friend Raj fall in depression coz after 2 years of relationship he was not able to marry her love sonya, coz her father was an fanatic nut,they were of different religions, he fall in depression, searching her in metro stations for months whole day….than he apply this method….he burn all the photos of her, meet new friends, hangout….it work….not completely but up to a level…his memories of her and love for her after 4 years is not completely perished, but he is better off now …..
I don,t want to hurt u, but Truth is, since u love him so much, u will not forget him completely , his memories will last forever, but the Intense emotions and pain which u are going through will become less over time…and when u will have a new Loved one..a guy u truly love u, u will start to forget him, although i is difficult to fall next time after that much hurt, coz of our emotional memories but that works….
Take care Dear,we all go through this Phase and it makes u STRONGER
To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863)
@theskafish, It’s not that I want to change for him. At least I don’t think so. Besides, he has made it clear that he doesn’t want me to change for him. He wants me to be me no matter what. He’s really sweet and smart like that which makes it that much harder for me to lose him.
It’s more that the breakup made me feel really alienated from society and I’m jealous of those self-centered people who can effortlessly enjoy all the world has to offer. My sensitivity and caring nature makes me feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It is hard to connect with others for this reason and it’s really starting to bother me.
And I don’t really know who my true self is. That’s another problem.
@ijesuschrist, No I don’t think so.
@LSD-Nirvana, Thank you for your input I will check out that book. :)
It seems you are stressing way to much over something that is actually a good thing. You are no longer attached to a man that sees no long term relationship with you. Self worth should not be attached to what someone else thinks about you but more importantly what you see in yourself. Try spend a bit of time doing the things you love, spending time with those who DO love you ie friends and family and wake up to see that you do not need to lose weight or sleep over this! Every person needs to feel loved. But this does not sound like the man for you. At least he manned up to that! When you feel alone pray to God. He hears our needs, He sees everything. Have a hug.
@emmaclaire Excuse my bringing back of old news, but I just came across this and recently went through a similar plummet in self-esteem after a breakup. Well, it’s been almost 4 months now. The beginning stages were rough but after that, the experience taught me a lot.
I didn’t realize until we broke up (we were about to move in together…) just how much she meant to me. Albeit, there were problems, and I knew that, and almost wanted it to be over at times. I couldn’t for see the metric ton of shit I would feel like knowing she was done with me. Like you, I was seriously depressed for awhile and went on anti-depressants despite being against them.
I felt the same way, that I wish I was ignorant and happy like all the bafoons I saw around frolicking around school and downtown just getting wasted and having mindless sex. Why did I have to be unhappy? Was I taking life too seriously? The truth is — I was, in certain aspects, but I’m not like them and never can be. My mind and soul will not allow me to. I’m at my best when I’m having meaningful conversations with good friends, creating, exploring, dancing, snowboarding, etc.
I went through a lot of soul searching, kicked out a bunch of junk in my life, and actually made a lot of improvement.
Since, I am off the anti-depressants, and feel more like myself than ever.
I am wondering how it worked out for you? I’m sure you feel more like yourself now (especially after taking the trip to Europe) but doesn’t it feel way better to not be emotionally attached to something that is not there? I think with the strength that I got attached to this girl, I am staying away from serious relationship for awhile (famous last words).
But in all seriousness, working on myself and just being happy is way easier than relying on someone else for that. It sounds obvious but when you’re in love, logic does not count.
Truthfully, although it may seem so at the time, there is not only one person you are capable of loving. True love comes from within, and you carry that with you. You can’t force or rush it if it’s just not there yet. I’m sure you know this but it’s interesting we went through a similar time [i’m sure a lot of ppl do :) ]
@jcassper, Although I wouldn’t wish the experience of a hard breakup on anyone, it is good to know that other people have gone through a similar experience. Looking back, I think the experience taught me a lot about myself, what I had lost during the relationship and the parts of myself I value.
I don’t think I’m a finished product now. I don’t think I will ever be. But I think that I didn’t realize just how much I lost during the relationship. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to maintain my own unique, autonomous identity when I was with another person. I think the breakup made me realize the important parts of myself I had sacrificed unnecessarily and unknowingly.
Leaving for Europe a month after this was posted really got my mind off of it. I wish I could say that I “fixed” my problems by reasoning through them but really the distraction of being away from home served as a coping mechanism. The trip came at the perfect time. It’s sad and maybe even a little pathetic, but I didn’t have the strength to confront my pain and try to heal myself. Or maybe I just needed time.
I still think about this boy and how I wish it had worked out. I think I acted in a certain way because I didn’t want to treat him the way his last girlfriend did, and in the process I lost crucial aspects of myself. But honestly even if he and I were perfect for each other and stayed together, we would have been doing a long-distance relationship for the long-term which is extremely difficult. Sometimes you have to give up good things for even better things.
I have also been dating a boy here. We started our relationship knowing it was terminal, and I think it has helped me to understand love, loss and attachment a lot more. Learning to let go is a crucial part of learning to love. And learning to be yourself, and love yourself even when no one else seems to, is a crucial part of being a happy human being. It took time, maturity and experience to realize this. I’m still realizing it.
Thank you Johnny and everyone else who helped me when I originally made this post. I really appreciate it :)
“There are far, far greater things ahead than any we leave behind.”
-C.S. Lewis :)
@theskafish, Don’t lose heart. I think the difficulty of finding a connection with most people was what made losing this one so hard. You’re not the only one who finds relationships frustrating. If I learned anything out of this situation, it is not to lose yourself while trying to pursue someone else. Just keep being you and things will fall into place exactly as they should.
I’ll try not to lose heart. But see, that’s the thing. It is enormously hard to build a connection with people…I thought I had been building a connection with this person for over 8 months. Turns out all of the nice things she said and all the times we laughed and had deep conversations and things we were going to do, and even the love/sexual things she said, weren’t worth jack. But as far as your story goes, if I understand this correctly, is that you’ve gone through this only once. Having just had this happen to me yet again, I do feel your pain. Just yesterday, became my third time that I completely failed to have a relationship with the person I wanted. I think a lot of people, the overwhelming majority, experience this once. It’s almost a rite of passage. But 3 times? Man. It’s hard.
Do you remember the comment you made on the OP 5 months ago? Go read it if you don’t remember. I’m trying to tell you now what you told me then. You seriously need to just keep being yourself.
Anyway, of course losing people like that is hard. Everything in life worth working for is going to be hard. But I think we all have to be careful to not confuse love with attachment. We seen out relationships because we want to connect with some autonomous entity other than ourselves, and their very autonomy is what gives them the power to leave. If these girls are walking away it is a sign that it obviously isn’t meant to happen. Wait for the relationship when you both say yes.
On the other hand, though, it is really shitty for that girl to tease you like that.
But just think about how many relationships the average person has over their lifetime. We all reject and get rejected. All those girls that chase you that you don’t want? Maybe they feel the same way and wonder why relationships never work out for them. But does that mean you should date them for this reason? Hell no! Again, just wait for a time when you both know it is right.
@emmaclaire, well, she claims she wasn’t teasing me. Maybe she really didn’t feel like she was. But she always told me she wanted me around more, that she missed me when I was gone, that she wished I lived closer, that I made her laugh and made her happy and how I was one of her favorite people and about how good we meshed together. She claimed to care about me and my interests and wanted to see me do well. She told me I was sweet and said that she loved me several times.
And that’s what makes it so hard – I felt that I really could be myself with her, that I was being myself and she actually liked me for me. That I didn’t have to pretend to be some super-popular macho-man stereotype, or pretend to be some kind of rebel, James Dean wannabe. She said all those sweet things to me, knowing I was just me and I wasn’t trying to misrepresent myself. I thought I finally met someone who would like me even if I was not the sexiest man alive, even if I wasn’t extremely successful or famous or anything else, because I thought she liked me for me and I thought I finally met someone that I liked, who actually liked me back. It’s crushing.
Thanks for caring to offer advice, but man, this is really hard. It wasn’t just a lust thing. I really loved her.
@dogwithamoustache, see, but it’s like the “what came first, the chicken or the egg” thing from hell. does my self-loathing cause life to respond negatively to me? or does life always give me sour grapes, and as a result my attitude is negative and i loathe myself because if i were better, i’d get something better?
i’d love to change my negative attitude. trouble is, life keeps proving my negative attitude right. i am not a blind-faith type of guy. i would change my attitude, but it would help if i had some proof that changing my attitude was worth it. not even if it was worth it….if changing my attitude would even be a reflection of reality at all.
also i wouldn’t say i’m desperate. i’ve turned down a couple offers myself. i’m just tired of getting rejected by anyone i actually like. all the while having no trouble with anyone i don’t. it’s as though life is fucking with me, and enjoying it.
@theskafish, “it’s as though life is fucking with me, and enjoying it” , and it will continue to do so (or appear so to you) unless there is a change within. there is nothing any of us can actually change “without,” things happen and life happens all around us. the only thing we can really control is within us, and trust me, it is MUCH easier to be happy with yourself despite your life situation.
I have also learned this the hard way. You will learn when the time is right. Life is too short to be a nihilist because you’re getting the shitty end of the stick. Seek positivity, it’s the only way.
@jcassper, @tangledupinplaid21, i’d love to feel better. i’d love to wake up one morning and not have anything at all to complain about. it’s not that i enjoy being this way. i’m always looking forward to the day things will start to go my way. but they just never seem to change for the better. and what’s more, every time i think i’ve made huge steps in the right direction….things fail, and not only that but they fail in the same exact way they failed before – totally and completely, from square 1.
i’d love to change my attitude, but it would be a whole hell of a lot easier if I had some proof that things would start getting better if i did. it feels that things will just stay the same, only this time i’ll smile as everything goes to hell instead of frowning. still doesn’t solve my problem of how everything i touch crumbles.
I’m going to jump in here. I’ve seen your posts in the past and you haven’t always been this “self-loathing” and “negative.” It seems like you’re down in a funk. I’ve been there too and I’m pretty sure just about everyone, including the people commenting, have been in funks too.
On the opposite side, it sucks to see and deal with negativity in the people you love. But it also sucks to feel like you have no other choice but to be negative. I’ve been in a similar position as you before. You may not have any control over what happens to you, but YOU and ONLY you have the power to change it. Changing your outlook is like putting on a new pair of glasses. You see the world completely differently. Instead of thinking “god damn, the universe is fucking with me and doesn’t want me to have a relationship!” Maybe thinking instead “maybe the universe is telling me I need to be focusing on other things right now” will help you. The only thing that changes is how you look at things.
From experience, I have learned so much more from the hard shit than the good stuff. Look at it as a learning experience and not as a struggle. I know it is hard to change once you’re in a funk. It’s so much easier to jump into a hole than it is to claw yourself out, but once you do, everything will get better. :)
On a different note, everything you touch does not crumble. Even if I’ve never said it, I admire a lot of your posts and you have given me a lot of new perspectives that I appreciate. Thank you.