Well, I think sex is fun and it defiantly connects two people together. Should you have sex before marriage…it really depends. If you love this person,they love you, they respect you and your boundaries then I say there is nothing really wrong with it. The only thing I worry about is STD’s, remember to always wrap it up if you know what I mean! I read a statistic that 1 in 5 people have and STD and that is gross! So just be careful. On the other hand, if you want to save yourself for marriage there is nothing wrong with that!!!! And if the man you are with cannot respect your decision then he is not the man for you.
I think that while it may not be necessary to wait to have sex until marriage, it is necessary to wait until you both love eachother. The reason being that when ppl get things too easily there is a loss of respect. People only respect things that are worked for, and given at the appropriate time. It is human nature. What if you dont love eachother and the sex is no good? Why stick in the relationsip then? There is no reason to continue.What might have been a good relationship was now ruined because things were given at the wrong time-no love, no reason to stay.
What person wants to date someone who has been begging them to go out with them? Noone. Its too easy. Where’s the chase? I believe a guy should feel like he “won the prize” when he goes out with a girl. If he feels like that, he’ll put in time and effort in the relationship. Because she was worth getting. Thats the attitude that will be necessary when times get rough. If he is not willing to “go the extra mile” than the relationship will not last. Both parties must be willing to do this when times get tough. No one will “go the extra mile” for someone who was too easy to get. Like I said, its just human nature.
As far as seeing if you’re sexually compatible, the only way this makes sense to me is if one is into certain specific things like BDSM for example. Well, then, it seems that there would be a problem not knowing this and getting married (but you dont have to have sex to find this out). As far as anything else except if yours is square and hers is round, what would be the problem? If you’re in love, even if it lasts all of 2 minutes, you think its the best sex that ever existed! And if you really love eachother, you’re going to seek to make eachother happy.
I have to say I loved Manimal’s anwser. It’s so blunt and unique. Made me laugh too because of the mood.
My stance on this is that you should wait for marriage before getting into sexual intercourse. However, I use marriage as a vague word. I just mean the engagement of both persons to live their lives together rather than the actual ceremony.
One of the first comments made by Alex said that if you don’t have sex with someone before you marry, then you might not have the intimacy necessary for the relationship to work out. I don’t get that. What do you mean, intimacy? If two people are marrying themselves, I’m sure they have had enough intimacy to know they have a good relationship. You don’t just hang out with a person with a group of friends and then suddenly say “I want to marry you” although you’ve never were alone with that person before. Every relationship has some intimacy whether its sexual or not doesn’t matter. Intimacy isn’t a skill anyways. It’s not like you can have good intimacy with someone and another, you just randomly not have good intimacy with another that you love. Intimicy simply is a word without much meaning in itself. My parents slept naked in the same bed months before they partook in sexual intercourse and this relationship which did not necessit sex just made their relationship alot better. (well, it didn’t make it; simply the fact that their relationship was’t based on sex meant it was truer) Sex is something humans want just like they want food so if you are attracted by someone sexually (and only sexually), then your love for them is only temporary. I know people who do not understand the difference between sex and love and that’s saddening. In fact its the same, but people see love as sex while sex should be love. One of my sayings is “I never want to have sex in my life, I want to make love”.
I was raised in a very religious household as well. I also have had one night stands. The guilt I felt afterwards (due to my religious upbringing) was almost overwhelming. But now that I look back, I am glad my sexual past looks the way it does. I made mistakes, I had a lot of fun, and honestly, I learned so much about myself. I learned what love is to me. You grow up (especially in the religious groups) and equate love and marriage with sex. This is terrible! What I learned is that I can have sex with anyone. But that doesn’t mean we will be in love and live happily ever after. It taught me that there is a separation between the two. Sex is physical, although it can make you feel closer to someone, but love and having a relationship is so much more than that. I don’t know, I think it is special but not as special as the emotional attachment you can make with someone.
I also know so many people that got married to have sex, because it is wrong outside of marriage (or so they believe) and that I can’t agree with. Marrying someone to have a physical need taken care of and thus living a life with someone that most likely isn’t right for you, and taking away your chance of really getting to know yourself is awful. I am rambling. This might not make any sense.
You grow up (especially in the religious groups) and equate love and marriage with sex.
^This. 100x this.
Marriage =/= sex, and sex=/=marriage. Why limit one to the other?
What I learned is that I can have sex with anyone. But that doesn’t mean we will be in love and live happily ever after. It taught me that there is a separation between the two
Love=/=sex, and sex=/=love.
It is a matter of personal conscience. I always say “Don’t do anything your conscience will drive you crazy about”. I personally, have had sex and I am not married. I will not promote either lifestyle but it seems to me, Nabila, that you are looking for someone to convince you other than the stance you are taking.
This topic is very personal and for me the religious belief of waiting to have sex before marriage has stunted my growth as a person considerably. As a massage therapist student I’ve seen how touch can bring positive healing into people’s lives. Sex is THE most intimate and sensual form of touch out there and it can bring a level of communication between two people that can’t be described with words.
Sex is the closest to god you ever get, at least while alive. Real sex is the fusion of everything good in the universe, it’s called making love for a reason. Don’t forbid yourself to do what’s best for you. Sex is the greatest expression of love, it’s great for your body and mind, it’s both relaxing and energizing. It’s pure bliss if done right.
Only a fool would try to constrain something like sex. Wake up!
The intimacy of a kiss shows you if there is a basic connection, or chemistry, between you and your partner. If I sense this chemistry I must then see if the pure intimacy of sex exists before I will marry. This pure intimacy tears down all our masks and reveals our true selves, to each other, at our core.
If we can both stay with each other through this revelation, really letting go face to face and eye to eye, then we have what I believe is the most fundamental basis for a marriage.
You can’t fuck your way to love. Anyone assuming otherwise is delusional. Not only is it more logical to wait until marriage to have sex, but more pleasurable. It has been shown that people with less sexual partners actually enjoy sex more.
Logically, it makes sense because of the consequences that may follow. A lot of couples find themselves as parents, almost forced into marriage so they can care for their child. And a marriage based on kids is never a good thing.
Obviously, I have my own spiritual reasons for waiting, but this whole post is speaking outside of those religious constraints. Just think about consequences. And yes, protected sex is an option. But all of those methods are 99% effective. There’s only one method that is 100%
@lauren [You can’t fuck your way to love] What are you talking about? Of course you can, you can reach love through pretty much everything and sex is one of the fastest routes.
[It has been shown that people with less sexual partners actually enjoy sex more.] Everything can be distorted with statistics (trust me, I used to do that shit for a living.) Especially when it comes from people who advocate something, like sexual abstinence for instance. Just because you read somewhere that abstinent people enjoy fucking more doesn’t make it true, and even if it was true you wouldn’t really know. You’re just making assumptions.
[Logically, it makes sense because of the consequences that may follow.] You’re hating on babies? Hating on pregnant women? Whoa girl, that’s some serious stuff.
[a marriage based on kids is never a good thing.] That’s just your opinion, quite some prejudice you got there.
[Just think about consequences] Pleasure, orgasms, deep connection with women, energy, inspiration, bliss, perhaps children. The horror! The pain! /sarcasm. How can you not like those things?
[There’s only one method that is 100%] 100% sure to rob yourself of some of the highest parts in life, yeah. Abstinence doesn’t make you 100% “safe” against pregnancy, there’s still rape and there’s still the risk that sperm somehow ends up in vagina without sex.
Don’t be so narrow minded, baby. Your opinions are your opinions, not facts. Your rationalism isn’t objective logic. You have your beliefs and that’s great, but don’t hate on others for not believing the same.
I do not fuck my way to love. My partners are few and far between, these days. I’m saying that people who believe that sex is not important in a relationship are setting themselves up for a failed marriage. I’m also saying that you can not possibly know a person on any level quite like the level you discover them through sex.
By nature we are sexual beings and it is that attraction that draws most people together. You can throw any kind of conciencious spin on it but if you can not click in the bedroom you can not click for life.
If you can not click in the bedroom, as wonderful as everything else in your relationship is, you are depriving yourselfs of one of the most important factor in a relationship.
My boyfriend and I had sex(or “fucked our way to love”) for 2 months before making it official, and I wouldn’t change a thing about how we progressed. We have been together almost a year and it keeps getting better. Sooooo hate to break it to ya but you are wrong.
@manimal – first of all I’d like to say that the tone in your comment was completely unnecessary. Oh, and I love how I’m narrowminded for having an opinion and expressing it, but you’re not narrowminded. Thanks for the clarification. And don’t call me baby.
Starting a relationship with sex is shallow and often in the end fruitless. Starting a relationship, growing to love each other and eventually committing to each other and then having sex? I think it’s just safer emotionally for both parties.
Did I say I hate babies or pregnant women? I merely stated that pregnancy is often an unwanted consequence of sex. Don’t twist my words to make my argument seem extremist and crazy.
A marriage based on children isn’t a good thing! In my opinion, people should have a chance to just be a couple. To be married. To do what they want without any children. Then, once they’ve established themselves as a couple, have kids!
I’d love to point out also that just because I have a spirtually based opinion, I’m crazy and wrong but everyone with a secular viewpoint is factual and correct. My thoughts and my opinions shouldn’t be disregarded simply because I believe a higher power influences them.
I will never disagree with someone having subjective beliefs, I disagree with them speaking as though they are objectively true for everyone, which you are. You’re completely free to be misguided.
Edit: How would you know if a relationship starting from sex is fruitless if you have never had sex?
Simply observing relationships and interactions around me tells me that more often than not, a relationship based on sex is hurtful.
When I lived in a dorm, I’d go into our communal bathroom to brush my teeth and hear girls crying about how they had sex with this guy and then found out her best friend did the same thing. Or she had sex with this guy and he never called her again. Or I’ll look at the relationship my sister has with her boyfriend. They’ve been together 5 years and they live together. They are the one of unhappiest couples I’ve seen. Or I look at all my friends who were having sex in high school who now have problems in their current relationship because their boyfriends aren’t comfortable with how many people they’ve been with. Or I look at some of those same girls and see how they’ve had kids at the age of 19, and their boyfriends have run out on them.
Sex isn’t just about an orgasm or a connection. A lot of it is about the connection you feel with the other person, but there are so many other ways to express love that don’t result in all this pain.
@lauren What tone are you talking about? If you found any negative tone in my post, you made it up. I’m just discussing things, not getting mad at people or whatever.
How is starting a relationship with sex shallow? Sex is deep connection, soul to soul. Growing to “love eachother” is shallow and ego driven. A personality isn’t deep, that’s ridiculous, it’s even more shallow than looks. Nothing is EVER safe, and that’s a good thing. If you’re afraid of emotions you’re afraid of life, don’t hide from reality woman.
You said it’s logical to not want the consequences of sex (ie pregnancy and babies.) I’m not twisting your words, the only one doing that is yourself.
A marriage based on children is the best marriage (that’s my opinion btw, not some fact, the difference is that I’m aware of it and you’re not.) Why do you think you can’t do what you want or “establish as a couple” when you have kids? Of course you can. And how would marriage make any difference when you’re “just being a couple” ???? Marriage makes no difference at all, it’s all made up. Sure if you wanna marry, do so and enjoy. But there is no real difference, so don’t preach your delusions to people.
When I hear people like you preach about marriage, I see why people are getting divorced all the time, and I see why marriage is becoming less popular. Jesus F Christ, girl, just let people be humans. If you want to play make-believe and put nazi-like rules on how life should be lived, do so and enjoy, but don’t hate on other people for not doing so.
Peace and love
@manimal, I think you confuse me sharing my opinion with forcing it on others. If you were to make the claim, you could make the same about your posts.
I understand there are different opinions out there. I just figured since this is a sight about sharing viewpoints and gaining perspective, I could put mine out in the open without being regarded as some sort of religious nut.
I’m just wondering what makes a sexual connection any deeper than an emotional one. Just because my relationships are based off of emotion, they’re shallow?
I guess we can just say you have your opinion and I have mine. And if my post seemed forceful in any way, it was not intended; I merely expressed my opinion as it is in my brain.
‘People like me’? ‘Play make-believe’? ‘Nazi-like rules’? How judgmental is that? You might want to research the Christian faith before you go around, making assumptions.
I believe in God and I understand what you are saying, Kate, I agree with you for the most part. When I say that “my sexual partners are few and far between, these days” I mean I used to be sexually immoral. I define sexually immoral as someone who has one night stands, only seeks sexual gratification from a relationship without intending to be in a committed relationship.
I do not believe I am sexually immoral anymore because I am only seeking a long term relationship now. If I get to a point where I am willing to have sex with a woman, It is not a frivolous thing and I would have to believe there is a chance of a long term relationship.
However, I will not marry her without sex first. Sex is enjoyable pretty much no matter who you have it with but there is more to being really sexually compatible than simple enjoyment, it is spiritual. I will not marry her without sex as much for her benefit as my own, we have to both know that truth.
Also, I never said my opinion was ‘fact’. I said it was…. my opinion.
have you considered that possibly it isn’t the sex doing this but the fact that the people engaging in it are not in the healthiest mental states to begin with? I’m not denying that sex can exacerbate this because often times emotions are involved which always makes it messier.
You can’t assume that just because you’ve seen a correlation between sex and pain that they always go together. It is different for everyone and one single person’s observations and conclusions do not apply to all, by any means… It’s that kind of thinking that stalls growth and creates prejudice.
@Ray, I respect that. If you’re in a committed relationship and you want to take it to that next step I think you should.
Obviously marriage isn’t for everyone. I was just stating -MY OPINION- which was that it seems to make more sense -TO ME- to wait til marriage. And -IN MY OPINION- you can’t have sex with someone before you love them.