Personally, I have an inner longing to find that special someone to have a meaningful relationship with. Whenever I start dating a guy with potential I yearn to open up my heart to him and it just comes naturally. I could never be intimate with a potential partner and not develop feelings. At the same time, I can manage to not develop feelings if I either date someone not fitting my needs or if I am in a post-break up phase or something. In both of these cases, my interest in being intimate with that person will fade quickly and I will soon start looking for someone else.
I would like to know how people feel who can be intimate with somebody who could be a potential partner and not long for this feeling of connectedness in a relationship. And at the same time not lose their interest in intimacy the way I do.
A friend told me he doesn’t have a problem with sleeping with a girl for a long time, having deep conversations with her – and just being friends. He could go on like this forever without wanting anything else although he thinks she’s great. He just somehow didn’t get to love her.
I find this whole concept kind of strange. I have a feeling he isn’t really longing for a relationship with somebody the way people like me do. He is fine being by himself or else he couldn’t help feelings to develop?! What do you guys think? What personality traits make people so different in their approach to love and relationships?
@revolutionaryroad, I’d like to think that I would be disinterested in sex because I was not really loving someone the way I perceive intimacy demands, but I really don’t know. I have only ever been with one person sexually and we just broke up not too long ago. I’m not really sure how I’ll function with finding someone to be intimate with.
What I do know is that sex isn’t a strong enough urge for me to put aside extra energy to go seek it out. I’m not constantly chasing tail and I’ll be fine with just returning back to where I was before I started into all of the romance.
People say sex is nature, and the we instinctively want it, regardless of love or relationship. I don’t know that I can fully agree or disagree on this, but I know that for me personally I don’t see a reason to go around being intimate with a bunch of people that i don’t actually want to invest any more time in than that. It seems selfish and immature, as if to say I just can’t combat my urges and MUST seek a partner, even if it’s on a shallow level.
The person I want to be with deserves the depth that is me, and I’m not about to stifle that for anything.
@revolutionaryroad, First off, don’t compare yourself to others. Only YOU know yourself; well on second thought, actually it sounds like you don’t know yourself very well to be honest. You need to spend more time on your own, start writing your thoughts, dreams and goals down, anything that’s on your mind (like this thread!). Write it down and get to know yourself.
Everyone’s different. Some people like casual sex and can easily handle a sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved. Others, like yourself, find it very hard to imagine that. And for you, that may just be how it is! You don’t have to be like other people, just be yourself. Do you. Experiment with different things; yes, sometimes it’s good to get out of your comfort zone a little, because then when you fall back you’ll realize ‘who you are.’
“Before you get to know yourself, you have to lose yourself first.” You’re in the beginning stages of this so enjoy the journey :)
@revolutionaryroad, This is a tough subject with many answers. There are a lot of different ways people go about relationships in connection with intimacy. There is no right or wrong, there is just what is right for YOU. What you need to try to do is figure out what you really desire, and why. Being single for a while instead of hopping into the next relationship can be hard at first, but it’s a great way to get to know yourself properly, and only when you love yourself will you have the capacity to truly love an other.
There’s this sense that certain people want someone they can consistently have at hand for a sort of commitment that means more than a “friendship,” and intimacy comes with that package; that is, an intimate conversation/experience will definitely be something that someone who is in a “commitment” would have. So, some people take that correlation and when they see one, they want the other.
I think that’s an error of misinterpreting correlation with causation. Some other people, like your friend and myself, see the correlation but don’t see the causation. Intimacy is necessary for commitment, but it is not sufficient. So we can have the intimacy without the commitment and not think we’re “missing” something.
It really is about understanding yourself and what you want and what you are experiencing. You should also be aware of your interpretations. You might be misinterpreting your desires. Or you might be misinterpreting your experiences and attaching desires to them unnecessarily.
That might give you something to contrast with your friend and find out for yourself what personality traits cause these differences. I don’t have the “sample” to study it, though. haha
@revolutionaryroad, i am an open book to my friends about my escapades and adventures in non-emotional sex. I have some close female friends that live vicariously through me as they are married or involved with someone monogamously. I am currently involved in a FWB situation that has recently reached a new level in our experiments in the bedroom that has not involved emotions whatsoever. We both have a very good understanding of what the other wants and that’s that. As humans, I believe that we are always looking for a connection with someone, but not very often an emotionally connection. With my FWB, we have a great relationship as friends, the carnal fun is constantly top 10, but we just have no interest of involving emotions.
As far as my personality- I am very social but “only after high school” late bloomer. I was nearly silent as a child but have found myself always craving the spotlight and starting the party now-a-days. I yearn for friendship connection constantly but only achieve “someone i met that one time” connection more often than not. I trust rarely and test the ones I think I should trust before actually trusting them with something of importance. But I can say this, for the rare times I have connected emotionally with someone, the connection was beyond intense, physically and emotionally. And the aftermath, as they never seem to work out, is one of more non-emotional sex and less emotional anything.
@jpete011, Yeah I am not trying compare myself to others, I am trying to gain a deeper understanding of human emotions I can’t decipher.
I have to say I have been single for a while, I do read a lot, write down a lot I think about myself. I have been trying to get to know myself for a while now. I am wondering why you say I don’t know myself at all :(?
@sirensetmefree, so when is it you think it’s just friendship and not a relationship? what’s the difference for you when there is a “causation”? What is “sufficient” for a relationship?
I think what I am trying to get at is why people view that type of stuff so differently. There are always reasons behind anything and I am trying to explore that because disagreement on that type of stuff leads to so much human suffering :(…
@rockernatnat, this style of being is something I find interesting, and also something I could potentially see myself doing, but it would have to be with one person, not a bunch of flings spanning several years…at least I think so.
I can say a lot about this, but I honestly have no idea how I’d behave given the opportunity.
Your life sounds fun though ;)
I feel the same way about being intimate with another and finding it hard not to develop feelings towards them. Unless your craving madly for intimate relations, do not go out of your way to find them. If you find yourself losing interest in men quickly after becoming intimate, simply do not search as fervently, the right one will find its way in. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t make yourself available, after all, Mr. right has to be able to find you
You find it strange, because love is the greatest human invention, created by poets.
We don’t just meet and act like animals, we are actually experiencing the natural surroundings and share the moment. Around nature, around difficult circumstances, around what we just needed to drive us to keep going, to feel alive. That’s why we find it everlasting.
Probably the only thing about human nature that doesn’t suck.
I don’t have troubles with my relationships and the girls that I’ve slept with. I have a problem with the people’s obsession of it. That’s why some find it a complicated subject, when the only thing they’ve done is complicating it and not fully appreciating it.
Obsession leads to worrying about what we miserably created in our mind and it gets confusing when we start to act, influenced by our own selfish, imaginary desire. It’s divine to realize this. You are not the only one experiencing and feeling, expressing your emotions and being confused by them. Everyone is.
And that’s why I’m always in love. Expecting nothing. Prepared for everything. Not thinking. Not interested in your strive for approach. Making you feel uncomfortable. Making you feel comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
And mock you for how simple and pathetic you are to compare your heart with your embarrassing hormones.
@beyond, I don’t fully understand your post. What you are saying is that they way our society defines romantic love is just an invention and based on confused hormones and obsession? Just an illusion? You think there is no inner human desire to create a deep, lasting bond with a member of the opposite sex?
@beyond, This is a really interesting view!!! How, in that case, do you think children should be raised if not in a traditional mother-father constellation? In communes?
And do you feel fully satisfied bonding with different people for shorter periods of time? Don’t you ever feel the desire for a mate to share your life with?
@revolutionaryroad, Children are going to be fucked up like us. This raising thing is way overrated.
I… don’t enjoy being with people for short periods of time. :) I do believe in love even if I’m a criticizing asshole. I don’t feel a desire to share my life with a woman, because I know well that I have to work for that to happen.
I don’t typically fall in love with someone just through being intimate with them. I have had sex in and out of relationships. The only time it gets fuzzy is if we broke up and I’m having sex with someone I might still have feelings for, OR if there is someone I’ve had feelings for quite a bit and we have sex. But generally, there are people with whom I have sex that I don’t feel totally in love with. There was a guy I had a little crush on, mostly through his looks and other little stuff like that, but soon I realized we didn’t have that much in common, etc. but we enjoyed hanging out and we did have sex a few times but I never felt one way about it, as I had spent enough time with him to see that we wouldn’t make a good couple and I wouldn’t be interested in that. You just have to be careful in these sitautions! Also I have noticed that when I was younger it was not this way–I did have those feelings of intimacy/wanting to be with a person. Not that I’m much older (only 22) but I have definitely matured since being a teen in this area and I also think that over time I”ve had more sexual experience and it has made me more open to sex without a relationship…Though I do like to be in relatinships. It just has to be the right kind of person—don’t settle!!!
Sorry for rambling!
@bird212, Thank you for your answer.
I guess your are just like me. Of course it does happen to me too that I don’t end up developing feelings and this has nothing to do with having or not having sex.
But if I don’t develop feelings the attraction usually fades quite quickly.
If I am into a person enough to be intimate with them for a longer period of time it usually means there is more about that person that excites me.
And this is what I was wondering about this friend. He said he could be intimate with a great woman who he thinks is awesome and a potential mate for even years without wanting a relationship. He could have deep conversations with her, cuddle with her and see her as a great friend and attractive woman – and yet this does not mean he wants to be with her. The thing is he couldn’t explain to me how he does it. He just said “sometimes it’s love, sometimes it isn’t”, That just seems so random. Of course it is fine but it puzzled me so much I wanted to find out more!
If I were in his shoes, after a while I would consider that person my partner. I could not sleep, talk, spend time with a member of the opposite sex for even years and still see us as “just friends”. If, as I said, the person excites me so much to stick with them for a longer period of time.
Awww, hard to explain…