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Anonymous (@) 8 years, 10 months ago

Has anyone here overcome deeply limiting beliefs about their self-concept? I am a person with a lot of passion and potential, but I am completely held back by my fear and deeper feeling of being pitiful, inadequate, defective, incompetent, etc. I have done a lot of work to look back at my life and I see why these beliefs developed and how they are unfair and ridiculous, and as much as I try to let them go and believe in myself I realize that they are still a huge part of who I feel I am.

Like, I am exceptionally afraid and alert of being judged and looked down upon by others. It really sucks to be stuck here and I would like to move forward. I am wondering what experiences you all have had with this obstacle.

January 30, 2013 at 12:39 pm
temillr (120) (@temillr) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, I totally understand how you feel. There are days when I walk into a room and I start thinking: What do these people think of me? What if they don’t like me? I constantly start worrying that they are judging me, and I wonder what they think about me. I tend to question a lot of things I do because I worry about what others think.

I’m still struggling with the same feelings, but I am learning to get past it. I have started to give myself a lot of alone time to figure out who I am. I listen to a lot of music, started making lists, drawing, creating. I kind of figured out that I had to be content/like myself before I expected to feel that others weren’t judging me. I started filling my life with positive things: music, reading, drawing, etc. Its taking time to overcome those feelings, but I have found that the more I consume myself with these things, the more I start to get past these feelings.

I guess my advice is to find who you are and why you are that way. Consume yourself with positive things and your outlook about yourself will change.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, It happens to everyone. Putting too much unnecessary weight on yourself with these thoughts.It’s the whole adopted idea people have from children to listen to absolutely everything, always to prove yourself to someone in some way. The most fulfilling approval that has the final word is yours. It’s okay to doubt it, because you might be thinking in templates and defining yourself by a few words in just one situation, when you could be focusing on your exciting potential instead.

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Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica,

look back to understand, look forward to move, i know you’ve done soul searching, but have you discovered the factors that lead to your depletion of energy and mental limiting? the actions you do, have done, or have been done to you that create the specific cause/effects that you are talking about?

everything you feel is from a cause/effect, the trick is to see what actions cause these feelings, for me, my personal definition is, any action that is destructive in nature that we do anyway, and anything action like this is something to remove, the more you pay attention to these types of actions, the more the negatives in your life will start to makes sense,

for instance, i’ll use a girl for this, ‘i am not a whore, but i find myself allowing men to have me fairly quickly, then it all changes, how i feel, how they feel, and i leave the situation depressed; worse off, i know i don’t want to continue this pattern, but i just can’t seem to help myself’ —

something like this, where the individual feels helpless to themselves because there is a correlated cause/effect they don’t understand, in this case, the current action and lack of control reveals a problem, once identified, the girl could trace back through her life and consider why she would act like this and identify the core action that set it in motion

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Anonymous (359) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@tine, I have analyzed pretty much everything there is to analyze about my past, I just can’t seem to let go of it and move on. I feel too defined by my past and the criticism, loneliness, alienation I experienced growing up. I feel like no matter what I become that it is just a disguise from my truly shameful self. I don’t feel like this always, just when its at its worst. I think for me the main action that causes me distress is going outside myself to make decisions

@beyond, I am starting recently to realize how I look outside myself for approval when there really are no actual rules to follow to achieve what I want. I know outside sources can only help me to an extent and I try to just rely on myself now.

@temillr, I used to be much more indecisive and nervous and focusing my time on things that made just me happy definitely has helped me in the same way : )

Thank you guys : )

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Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica,

ok, now that that is established, what actions are you adding to your life to improve it? ( replace ) draining actions with building actions and be specific, start with the weak areas of your life and find positive actions that will make them stronger,

until you are proactive in this area you cannot give up,

–I feel too defined by my past and the criticism, loneliness, alienation I experienced growing up.–

yes, i understand all to well, but what i have discovered the key word to be is, ‘feel’, feelings are not real, they are created inside our head and are designed to tell us, “HEY, pay attention”, so, when i read you quote, how this translates to me is,

“i have decided to focus on this feeling,”

and often, and i do this as well so please don’t take this the wrong way, we focus on the feeling to make it an excuse for inaction, it becomes a reason why ‘we can’t’

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ces’t la vie (197) (@citygirl9050) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, everyone is scared about being judged. BUT i learned that you should surround yourself with people who do not judge you. people who accept you and love you for who you are. if you are surrounded by people who constantly judge you in a negative way you start feeling exceptionally bad and you may stop acting like yourself. through my experiences, I realized that all i need to do is be myself and surround myself with people who like me for who i am and support me and my decisions. you should do the same :)

life is too short to feel insecure and surround yourself with people who enhance your insecurities.

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Anonymous (359) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@tine, I know what you mean, I just don’t know why I would purposefully hold myself back when it is so frustrating to be consumed by those feelings

@citygirl9050, Thank you :) I do feel great when I am with the people that accept me

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Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, maybe you need to let go of self concept all together.

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Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@citygirl9050,

i dunno, that seems kinda like a way to fence yourself in, if you consider the truth, i) people that judge others do so because they are unhappy with themselves, ii) its just their opinion, opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one,

you’ll realize that because they are intentionally trying to down you so they feel superior, by doing so they reveal that, in reality, they are weak and because it is only an opinion, they aren’t really saying anything,

and the only way their words mean anything is if you do something to make them appear so, like getting upset,

so i guess, for me, it doesn’t matter who i surround myself with, i still remain mostly constant, i feel no need to cut anyone out because of this and bc so, i can enjoy the company of those that others avoid,

to avoid people seems more like a bandaid effect, just cover it up

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Anonymous (359) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@splashartist, yea I was really feeling that idea last week. totally lost it. lol

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Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, You’ll find what works for you. Just relax into the experience while it is here. :)

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Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica,

the brain naturally chooses the path of least resistance, its easier to hide and do nothing than to try and possibly fail, its easier to stick with what it knows, your brain has gotten used to a certain way of being that was created during your childhood, this certain way of being is conflicting with your ability to be happy and the contrast is clearer to you now because you are older and (out of the house?),

what you seem to be fighting is the emotional damage that you sustained and the cause/effect on the brain in terms of processes it had, and also the laziness of the brain to kick your own ass in gear,

any action that builds you emotionally or your confidence (ie learning something new) will help you in your current situation.

stop worrying about other people, they offer only a diluted perspectives anyway, just like the rest of us

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tyler (14) (@crane) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

Looking backwards and forwards adds to the illusion… There is only now. The past and future are just based on ideas which arise from the mind. If you want to know your true self and free yourself from these ideas, learn how to see the truth that lies beyond thoughts.

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Ben (148) (@cognizantelephant) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, Yes.

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dr. hamsa (42) (@s7221919) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

Find a way to desensitize yourself from your anxiety and fear. There are strategies such as rejection therapy and exposure therapy. But you really need to surround yourself with people who will send positive energy your way. You have to accept the positive to reject the negative. Just love yourself, and make others feel good about themselves, they will be sure to return the favor!

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James (121) (@alljuicedup) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, “Has anyone here overcome deeply limiting beliefs about their self-concept?”

To your original question, yes I have, and so have many others… and so will you so long as you keep asking the questions your asking and moving forward. It may not seem like you’re making much progress, but the desire for change is all that you need. Keep that desire burning and keep striving to improve, and in time it will come.

For pretty much my entire life I was depressed, and it was only worsened by the fact that I truly believed I would always feel that way. Not that I would be depressed 24/7, but that fighting depression would be a lifelong battle. Even when times were good, there was that voice in the back of my head telling me it wouldn’t last, and the crippling depression would find its way back.

For as long as I suffered from depression, this limiting belief was with me. This belief that depression would be with me for life.

All I can tell you, is that just because you have a limiting belief today, does not mean you have to have it tomorrow. I overcame my limiting belief and my depression, and now know that it wont come back. I no longer suffer from depression, period.

It wasn’t easy, overcoming any kind of limiting belief never is. But if you truly want to overcome it, it will happen. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day… that may not be the answer you were looking for, but it’s the best I can give. Just keep pushing forward and striving to better yourself, and one day you’ll be able to look back and see just how far you’ve come!

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, You wrote: “I feel too defined by my past and the criticism, loneliness, alienation I experienced growing up”. I was verbally/emotionally abused by my mother growing up. Words spoken to a child are the same as if coming from God Almighty in their power. We absorb them. I am almost 58 now, and have been affected by them for most of my adult life. I was able to honestly and actually forgive my mother a few years ago, and forgive myself for allowing myself to be so affected. Thing is this, you are NOT any of those negative things that were directed at you. You were born perfect and still are – your true self. It’s a matter, or was for me let me say, of time. Just reject it. You KNOW your true nature, who/what you truly are. Peace, Love & Light ~ ricky

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Anonymous (24) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@rickyferdon, If it’s not too personal, can i ask you how you overcame it and forgave your mother? :)

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@iphenomena, No worries :0) A memory came to me of when I was a child and myself and a cousin cornered a goose in the chicken yard – it got wedged between the fence wire and the hen house. My grandmother(mother’s mother) got angry(which we had never seen) at us over the situation. I recalled that the way she acted and reacted was precisely the way my mother acted and maybe grandma wasn’t always the sweet, loving grandmother presented to us. I realized that my mother was the way she was from her treatment by HER mother – and that of course she was not born that way.

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Anonymous (216) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, Some of my greatest fears have come true. It felt horrible watching it happen around me but once it was done, it was done.

I have learned to become counterphobic in some ways, actively seeking situations that frighten me just to prove to myself that I can do it. Or not; I fail a lot, but that doesn’t bother me anymore.

The adrenaline rush is a sweet reward too, win or lose.

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Anonymous (359) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@rickyferdon, That is a wonderful way to look at things. My issues with my parents (not that they are the only contributing factor to my negativity) I know have come from how they were raised- they were both abused and neglected : ( Thank you for your encouragement. It is nice to read that I am just not those things and I was born enough.
“Words spoken to a child are the same as if coming from God Almighty in their power.”- truth

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ces’t la vie (197) (@citygirl9050) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@tine, i wouldn’t call it “avoid.” i would call it- keep it simple, that person is not someone you want to open up to. FOR EXAMPLE. if i tell someone something, maybe if i like a boy and they think that boy is weird and they tell me their negative comments about who i like, in the future i will think twice before i tell him who i like. just those little things.

if i do still hang out with people who make negative comments and judge me, i just decide to not talk to them about my personal feelings and keep the conversation light, or just talk about them and their problems.

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Anonymous (0) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

Find an art, fall in love with it and master it. Do your art for yourself and to impress yourself and then you’ll impress people without you having the goal to.

You say you have passion and potential, there it is. Find a talent and master it.

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@anjelica, Yes, indeed. You are NOT those things and never, ever were. So, in your life now, and ahead of you, you stop the cycle. Be sure that you will be expressively loving to your children when they arrive. Strive to never label them in any negative manner. Also, take a look at this article that I wrote(shameless plug), and see what you think: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/what-has-stuck-to-you-so-far-ricky-ferdon/

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Anonymous (6) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

“Has anyone here overcome deeply limiting beliefs about their self-concept?”
–anjelica (and is her until otherwise noted) @anjelica
Considering the banner to the right reads “35645 HEthens Strong!” I would say yes.
“I am a person with a lot of passion and potential,”
This is rather vague self-complimenting but it shows you’re not entirely ashamed. Plus; you spelled “a lot” as “a lot” and not “alot” as many other people do so I see the potential.
“but I am completely held back by my fear”
I doubt you’re “completely” held back by fear.
“and deeper feeling of being pitiful,”
Correct me if I’m wrong but are you really dangerously suffering? I’ll give some examples of dangerously suffering and if any are true for you then reply back that you’re dangerously suffering–but don’t admit specifically to any of the examples. Attempting suicide, reckless drug usage and any clinical/medical illness are examples of suffering that are dangerous. If the suffering you’re going through isn’t dangerous then I fail to see why should feel so sorry for yourself. Anyways; if it isn’t dangerous then stop worrying.
“inadequate”
By whose standards? Yours? Others such as friends and family? Co-workers? Your boss? Also; inadequate in what way?
“defective”
If defective in a genetic way then it isn’t your fault. It’s your parent’s fault. If defective as in you did something to yourself then it is probably your fault. So; defective in what way? (I hope this isn’t a convoluted way of you saying you think you’re ugly).
“incompetent”
When explaining yourself it’s always important that you use the right choice of words. This word has a couple of meanings and based on the context of how you feel they’re all possible descriptions that you may or may not mean. I’ll go over them.
“Unskilled, lacking normally expected degree of ability”
So what are you unskilled in? School? Your job? Family life? Friendships? Since you’re asking this on a public forum on the Internet and most people don’t tell the world their problems on the Internet and ask for advice that either means a lot of your friends in real life are using this site or you don’t have a lot of friends in real life so you’re unskilled at relationships. You’re either exaggerating your lack of skill and therefore pitying yourself or you just really suck. I guess it depends on what you’re exactly unskilled at though. If school then your solution is to study more in the particular subject/class you aren’t doing so well in. The other definitions are: “unable to make rational decisions, insane or otherwise cognitively impaired”
Please tell me you’re joking if this is what you meant. Because you aren’t stupider then the average person.
“I have done a lot of work to look back at my life and I see why these beliefs developed”
If it isn’t too personal/uncomfortable for you may I ask how these beliefs developed?
” I see why these beliefs developed”
Now you just need to see how to remove the beliefs and prevent them or others that negatively affect from coming back.
“they are unfair”
You’re apart of the wrong species if you want fairness.
“and ridiculous”
Which makes you ridiculous.
“and as much as I try to let them go and believe in myself I realize that they are still a huge part of who I feel I am.”
How did you realize they’re still a huge part of who you are?
“Like, I am exceptionally afraid and alert of being judged and looked down upon by others.”
I’m going to assume you’re saying that you’re almost remarkably afraid and alert of being judged to an exceptional degree. Unless these people are employers/teachers/professors/law enforcement/bosses then ignore them.
“It really sucks to be stuck here”
No duh.
“and I would like to move forward.”
Then get past your feelings.
“I am wondering what experiences you all have had with this obstacle.”
My experience with this sort of obstacle has never left me feeling down.
“I guess my advice is to find who you are and why you are that way.”
— temillr @temillr
She said she had already looked back and figured out how her beliefs developed therefore she knows why she is that way.
“It happens to everyone.”
— Sasho Stoyanov a.k.a. “beyond” @beyond
No it doesn’t.
“look back to understand,”
— Tine (and is it until otherwise noted) @tine
She already has. You and temillr need to read more carefully.
“look forward to move,”
No; look up!
“everything you feel is from a cause/effect,”
An effect can’t create another cause?
“the trick is to see what actions cause these feelings,”
So we need to experiment on her to see what actions cause these symptoms she has been complaining about. Anjelica, we need to do a brain biopsy on you.
“why she would act like this”
She acted like that because she was horny.
“I feel too defined by my past”
— anjelica (and is her until otherwise noted)
People don’t judge you by your past unless they know about it.
“and the criticism,”
If you can handle it, what were you criticized for?
“loneliness, alienation I experienced growing up.”
That only makes you a weak person if you let it.
“I feel like no matter what I become that it is just a disguise from my truly shameful self.”
Then become a better disguise or disguise the disguise.
“I don’t feel like this always, just when its at its worst.”
What’s it’s worst?
“I think for me the main action that causes me distress is going outside myself to make decisions”
Explain further/better/more/specific.
“I am starting recently to realize how I look outside myself for approval when there really are no actual rules to follow to achieve what I want.”
Extreme fear or stupidity.
“I used to be much more indecisive and nervous and focusing my time on things that made just me happy definitely has helped me in the same way : )”
Don’t focus too much on that or you’ll become a couch potato bum.
“feelings are not real,”
— Tine
Yes they are. I think what you meant is that feeling are not true. They’re real, but not always true.
“everyone is scared about being judged. ”
— citygirl#uncreativeness (and is her until otherwise noted) @citygirl9050
Nope.
“life is too short to feel insecure”
Life is the longest thing you’ll ever do. Life only seems short because so many things around us last longer (such as tree, the ground, the planet, the solar system, buildings, and non-degradable objects like coins). So unless you have a disease like Huntington’s life ain’t dat short so ‘jus keep pickin’ dem choclates.
“and surround yourself with people who enhance your insecurities.”
Unless they enhance other things about you that are positive.
“I just don’t know why I would purposefully hold myself back when it is so frustrating to be consumed by those feelings”
— anjelica
You have issues.
“the truth, i) people that judge others do so because they are unhappy with themselves,”
— Tine (and is it until otherwise noted)
Some people who are happy with themselves judge others because they have fun doing it. People judge others because either they are unknowingly doing it based on experience, they were taught to, or they judge/stereotype others to protect themselves. It’s almost instinct–or perhaps it is.
“ii) its just their opinion, opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one,”
Do mentally retarded people have them or are they not people?
“you’ll realize that because they are intentionally trying to down you so they feel superior, by doing so they reveal that, in reality, they are weak”
Or; in reality, they are strong.
“because it is only an opinion, they aren’t really saying anything,”
An opinion is something so they’re saying something.
“the brain naturally chooses the path of least resistance,”
Citation/source needed/please.
“also the laziness of the brain to kick your own ass in gear,”
Or she is a lazy-ass.
“stop worrying about other people, they offer only a diluted perspectives anyway,”
Your advice is diluted.
“Looking backwards and forwards adds to the illusion… There is only now.”
— tyle a.k.a crane @crane
What about up?
“Yes.”
— Ben a.k.a @cognizantelephant
That’s pretty useless.
“they will be sure to return the favor!”
–dr. hamsa a.k.a. #iamuncreative @s72721919
Not all of them.
“You were born perfect and still are”
— ricky ferdon @rickyferdon
No one is born perfect.
“I have learned to become counterphobic”
— AutumnMan a.k.a. @boribori90
Isn’t that a phobia of counters?

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