[Official] Share and discuss your amateur poetry and stories.
I recently wanted to challenge myself, so I decided to try my hand at poetry. Since I’ve written a few poems, I’ve really wanted to get some kind of feedback, I’m not sure if they suck or not. So I’m creating this discussion in the hopes people will share their amateur poetry and stories. Only constructive criticisms guys, not everyone is literary genius. I’ll share a poem, if you want to here another of mine, just ask.
An Explorers Ode to Earth
As I see her from afar,
I obtain an inkling of who we are,
Here I sit in this frigid waste,
As if running from her warm embrace,
Just as children must move from home,
Here we travel deep into the unknown.
slow the flow. my brain can throw your saneness for a row by row you get controlled. psychological embellishment, element of hell is next, straight facts. no tax. relax contracts. spiritual contraband inclined to examine your mind’s harmonic chem. follow your sign. destroy&be kind. oakland high, ceilings vortex my spirit. depleted feelings…eternal sunshine concealment. ~ the street’s are growing, over ~ throwing- unconscious being controlled, grasp creative soul~ling, breathe until my soul sings. send chill’s up and down your sill, magical fields. complete thought feels, electrify day to day deals. kill ego eel’s that slither in and out of quantum isles. conscious trials of denial, pure soul judgement created loving files, no bias. rise to this occasion, deprive money hungry of praising. verbal swaggin tagging pagan vatican. fantasizing of loving air, eliminate sacred despair. lets make this world fair, prepare to compare.~in my head, all day, no pay, just to relay information i can barely understand. walk until i get tan, dance for them, sing to gem’s. pit-bull pens unlock zen, befriend them.
Quito, Ecuador, 02-02-2013
Ripped and torn, we stand
To defend, what’s left
In fighting stance
No room to relax
Tired of fighting, as struck
By lightning, we can’t
Seem tot battle anymore
The door, opened for
Peace and hope and
Still we trip, tighten
Our grip, affraid
To slip, into
Nothing at all
We see, so slow
And start, to let go
We’ll focus on love, and
What we can give
We know how to live
So to all, please forgive us
For the pain that has driven us
Insane, the love in vain
And we’ll forgive all
For playing their parts
And open our hearts
The way we live
All of us
Cry laugh smile
Pleasure and the pain
We feel the heat from the sun
We feel the cold from the rain
All of us the same
Why do we always
Have to compete
Dont we all drink, piss, eat, poop, and sleep
thats just people being greedy
People fight over land
that doesnt have their name in it
We need a worldwide peace treaty
’cause all of our problems is the same aint it
we fight for what was made to replenish
Take control of our apples and chickens
Wasnt this all free from the begining
they dont understand
That if you feed another man
God will feed you more than him
But this life we live
everyone is clingy
like our resources are scarce
We tear apart when we should be together
why cant we make each others time special
You know were not promised thus time forever
old poetry i did .. feedback please!!!
you inquire after infinity
as hundred billion stars burn
in wonder-wounded eyes
meandering through time
like a bird perching the cerulean night
the margins, your infinitesimals–
sky of music, net of fire
roaring beauty falling gently
as you chill and dazzle
@anjelica, You’re a good writer.
This thread is so interesting. I feel like poetry reveals so much about a person’s true personality.
@snips420, I like that. Dark, but good. Just…uh, try not to die. lol
Aight, here’s one of mine.
This journey is beautiful,
This life is yours,
This dance everything I need,
My worries as seeds of a dandelion,
This presence a warm summer breeze.
The symphony overwhelms my senses and I am paralyzed.
Every sound infused with dancing color,
My spirit becomes as flame.
I smile and I cannot stop.
I perceive your magic surrounding me,
Astounded by the thought that it’s always been here.
I look within myself and see,
That all that I am is you.
This moment, you sweep me away.
I want this.
I need it.
To diffuse completely into this infinity,
This infinity that is you.
All at once, I lose comprehension of want and need,
There is only peace,
As I revel in the realization…
For all my shortcomings,
I weep with sorrow,
I weep with joy.
Perhaps a day of judgement will come,
Perhaps a day of judgement has come,
In this moment of clarity when all is brought to light,
I look in the mirror through your eyes.
Whatever part of me you are,
Whatever part of you I am,
I thank heaven for it,
Offering you no promise,
For I cannot give tomorrow today,
But today I give this moment,
For this moment I have received.
Here’s one of mine, “Heroic Dose”. I posted it in another thread but it got shut down before many people could see it. Any and all feedback is appreciated.
Chasing the dragon
I dove headfirst off the wagon
Shroom trips and bong rips
Vicodin, addys, klonopins
But my karma cancels out my sins
I don’t even care if I win
as long as the trip will make me grin
Down the rabbit hole like the Cheshire Cat
Deploying my neurons for mental combat
Five grams, heroic dose
Feel like a god, fucking grandiose.
The couch is breathing, ceiling swirling, hearing voices through the wall
Or maybe it’s only in my head, I’ve just imagined it all
Universe within, universe without
How to know which one to doubt?
Or maybe they’re one and the same
Better keep repeating it so I don’t forget my name
Look at that
makes perfect sense to me
Maybe I’ve gone over the edge, but that’s all right you see.
This music’s pretty calming, and these dudes are pretty chill
Don’t know how long till morning comes
I only know it will
Time’s completely meaningless
But I love it here nonetheless
Down the rabbit hole like Alice
Grow wings to fly like Daedalus
Five grams, heroic dose
Feel like a god, fucking grandiose.
Seventh dimension infinity
We all are one divinity
Me and mary jane got that affinity
She’s the one thing to love that won’t go away until the end
So hitting this shit is what i recommend
Into the rabbit hole like the mad hatter
Exploring the frontiers of my gray matter
Five grams of shrooms and some fatass bowls
There’s no limit to what this night could hold.
Let me tell a story
One of the many that we have
When I asked for your hand
But you took my life instead
You were running out of options I was always just better off dead
While you cried I slept
But I never awoke
If I recall this is the part where we left off
This is the scene where I die
And this is the part where you walk down the hall
And with a knife in your hand you cut a hole in my throat
And then you used all the lyrics from parts of my songs
To write a suicide note to my parents and my son
But its alright
I forgive you
This is the part, right where we last left off…
You washed out under your nails
I’m drowning in my own blood
And then you used parts of lyrics from all of my songs
To write a suicide note to my parents and my son
But its alright
I forgive you
@zentripper, ty! i like the realness of your last 1.
trigger finger en-still’s hallow point~blank^mentality kill’s. skill’s ripple logic frills, evolving will’s seal this real deal. hot meal’s when the birdies enter home field, roam-free, No-financial fear, culture-tare, rare~flight fare, spirit air, take the dare, but prepare. stacks or get jacked, fact. keep your head in tact.
Here’s another one I just wrote yesterday actually, got inspired listening to the Slim Shady LP:
I’m heading forward now, gonzo flag unfurled
Went Zen Buddhist but I still say fuck the world!
Interpret that shit how you will
Pulled out my own tooth for an excuse to pop another pill
My mother wanted me to go see Doctor Phil
I kicked him in the balls, dove out the window, and escaped to Brazil.
Now I’m down here fighting to save the Amazon
Greedy ass white America won’t rest until all the fucking trees are gone.
Signed a petition in support of legalizing hemp in the farm bill
Now that shit’s sitting in Congress,
It’s impossible to really make a difference
if you’re not crazy as fuck, by society’s standards
It’s a relative term
But my mind, it meanders.
A cross between Thompson, Marley, and Slim
Preaching for peace but I’ll throw punches on a whim.
Never want to be a groom
Rather eat a handful of potent shrooms and start to zoom
Philosophizing to every motherfucker in the room.
Not my fault your sheep brain can’t comprehend the freedom I howl.
I’ve tripped through seventy seven life times
Call me the wise zen master owl
I am you and you are me
It doesn’t even matter if you agree.
The truth is still the truth whether you believe it or not
That’s why it’s so great and religion is not.
Reality is the present moment, that’s how I like to live
Your past self doesn’t exist, so there’s no need to forgive.
@zentripper, its good. flows well. watch the words you use a bunch of times and switch em with synonyms, or just take them out entirely, in my un-educated opinion. when you take out the your in your last sentence, the statement is a lot more bold then directing it at somebody.
this is a loving tread of gaia’s surprising rising of holy diving, horse riding, cosmic confiding kind of thing, macguyvering heaven for the best of everything. forget pestering, tether togetherness. rest on infectiousness of being the best contentious bitch, don’t fret on grudge’s kept, repent and send friendly air to show that you care. there, there, bear this affair. share eye stares, compare.
@zentripper , a lot of my poetry has multi-meanings
cult – rap – ture, mason – trap – plur – enact – blood pact – word.
deconstruct anti funk. jump into a conscious thump, evolve out of chump, have fun.
absorb all sun. load mental gun’s, never run. arms being funded, brain being run- dead, repent, reset, passionately create a crest, be the illest, repeal the filter, enstill no-fear.
hemp shop selling street dreams. each pack of papers worth a million in cream. extreme feelings, illuminated beings reaching religious, never fictitious, always positioned to experience the worst conditions. flirt with satan, rep this waiting, psychedelic vacation.
I want to adventure with you,
and build and wonder.
and ebb and flow
ignite and levitate
crash and burn
and melt and stand straight-
fill the plate
when doubt’s late.
connection is clay
love, color mate
“The man who laughs his life away,
will find it hollow, and less gay,
than his less sycophantic chum,
for whom a chuckle, barely comes.”
I’ve written so many poems starting when I was in high school. I remember I had writer blocks , for about 3 years. I couldn’t bring myself to write even if I wanted to and miss it dearly. I love writing poetry because it express how I feel and in a way it how I vent. I post most of my poetry on Deviantart. (user name beyondtearz). but I’ll post a few here. I do hope you guys enjoy it and it’s probably not the greatest poetry. Although I think it help me clear my mind and share how I feel.
Dear self inside of me who I forgotten about who’s my soul,
remember to never let any man pulls your heart apart.
Strange things are happening lately in our solitude quiet life,
the beats we use dance to no longer moves us like it use to.
Feeling that strong fire burn deeply as it flow in our vein,
ready to move foward with no regrets lingering in the past.
It’s okay to just look around yourself with a new found emotion,
the sky is beckoning for your eyes to look past the clouds into the stars.
To walk a path to the life that you carved out for yourself is hard,
so fed up with all lies from unwanted hearts trying to seek out mine.
Mirror who show the old me in the darkness of my memories,
I close my eyes letting go each sadness that broke a piece of me.
Beyond stars shining high above the cloudless sky I reach out,
to the limitless vast space my dreams continue to grow .
Reality sometimes fade into the dream we create in our mind,
turn down the volumes of my heart low as possible.
Barely hearing it beat to the words echoing through the music,
the world grace me with a song that wipe away my tears.
You and I can still dream the dream we create in out heart,
so let me create it into a reality without it being a dream forever.
I’ve been trading prompts with my friend Stephen. We’ve both written a poem each day. Here’s one from a few days ago:
The rain will devour our impatience drop by drop.
My grandmother will weary of the television’s pitter patter,
outsource its humid hum to the downpour,
and come outside to tell us her stories.
The outpouring will not disappoint
because we have surrendered our expectations to the fertilizer for tomorrow.
Beyond the floodlight of the consciousness I slurp is a drought,
but grandma, parched by darkness, tires of thirst.
She speaks; I listen. The moment is simple. It always is.
“Look at how slim he used to be.”
She proffers a photograph of inevitable past dad.
“The measure of a man is not his waist,”
I quip, taking it,
“unless you’re measuring in inches.”
The girth of my meaning was “I measure in moments. Why don’t you?”
The answer is implicit in the not asking, just as her experience is in mine.
She talks, I listen.
I love her because she loves me.
She loves me because I love her.
At the center of it: God is love, and His love is patient.
and Stephen’s, here: http://srdpoems.blogspot.com/
visionary crime reveal’s true time. expanding rose fragrance as you walk by to create sacred omen’s of enhanced mental focus; live in the moment. shine to own it, design and show it. man-kind’s golden vine combined with rhyming; modern day divining. land of zombified chemical shrine wilfully blind to everlasting state of infinite climb. tryptamine sign’s seethe through lies, regain conscious enterprise after dreams fly.