Single or together?

Martijn Schirp (@martijn) 10 years, 12 months ago

What do you prefer to be right now?

I have been together with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now but I notice that thats a rare phenomenon, do you consciously decide to stay single or together? What would your ideal life look like regarding a relationship?

January 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm
David (1) (@revitilized) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

I’m single right now, but i’ve been in relationships before. I’ll tell you, i’ve gone out to parties and brought some random girls back to the dorm, and it has never, never been as good as being in a relationship. It sure is fun but… relationships are the way to go.
It’s funny because a lot of media tells us that we are supposed to go out and get crazy with random people, and thats so great and all… but… its not. Being able to build a relationship with someone, get to really know someone is so much better. Seeing progression, something more than just random fun is just so much better. Not to mention you have a better chance of not getting something like an STD or seeing that random person around and being all awkward.

I know you were looking more for single vs together, but… As to that i’d say once you are ready for a relationship, its def the way to go, 5 yrs good for you :)

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Jordan Lejuwaan (23,445)A (@jordan) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

I with David on this one. Random sexcapades just do not compare to being with someone you really care about. The process of falling for someone is so much fun and so rewarding; I wouldn’t trade it for 100 random hookups.
Although at the same time, I truly believe we’re not meant to be monogamous for extended periods of time. Look at the divorce rate being above 50% and then look at how miserable most couples are that choose to stay together. I highly value lasting, meaningful, love-filled relationships but I do not think they should last a life-time.
…but hey, maybe I just haven’t met the right girl yet :)

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Rachel Willis (11) (@rachelwillis7) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

I don’t consciously decide to be single or with someone… I think in doing that you’re forcing something. I have had one relationship that I truly thought was going to last forever, but I realized that it’s a rare occurrence if two changing people continue to love the changed person. I think some people are meant to come into our lives for a period of time and reveal a layer of ourselves to us. I agree with David and Jordan, but I would much rather be single and alone than with someone and wishing I was alone. Plus, dating can be extremely fun if you do it right (:

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Wow, what an insight rachel, it definately is rare and I rarely see someone that has not suffered relationship problems because of changing factors. Why do you think that there are people who can love eachother even while they keep changing?

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Rachel Willis (11) (@rachelwillis7) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

They either adapt to the changes and learn to live with them, like the changes that occur within the other person, or change together.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

How do you think one learns to live with them, accept the other person as who they are?

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Rachel Willis (11) (@rachelwillis7) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Yes, and also some people fall so deeply in love with each other that they actually like the flaws.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

I wish there was more unconditional love, love where you dont expect anything in return!

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Brittney Novelly (16) (@novdog) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Rachel, I completely agree with you! As conscious beings, we are constantly learning, growing, and experiencing new things, and hopefully we use these experiences to change ourselves for the better. I believe that different people enter our lives at different times to teach us something valuable about ourselves and life. Life gives us the people we need when we need them. This can be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I think the key to a successful relationship is that both people must be self actualized and working for their own life goals, while providing encouragement to the other.
… for example, i never would have realized any of this if I hadn’t experienced a long term relationship and been able to look back on it. Learned so much from it!!
Now what I’ve been struggling with lately… is love something real and deep or just an illusion put on by the chemical reactions in our brain? yikes.

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Jasper lee (2) (@thedude) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

@Brittney
Great question, however even if it is just chemicals, should it even matter? If it is only chemicals, wouldn’t that negatively affect the way one sees their relationship to their partner. They would look at them knowing that the only reason they feel “love” is due to chemical interactions. To me, that kind of defeats the fun idea that there is a bigger, deeper meaning and order to the universe. I’m not sure if it is only chemicals, but anyway, it’s food for thought…

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Rachel Willis (11) (@rachelwillis7) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Love-Real and deep
Lust-Chemicals

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Devin Ford (1) (@devinford) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Awesome stuff… I gotta say I completely agree with Jordan on this one, and here I thought I was alone.

I see time and time again people in shitty marriages that are miserable with each other. Sparks fly in the beginning things are great, then it fades. At this point theres usually something attaching them that makes them afraid to change.

At the same time.. there is nothing more special then attaining that bond with someone. The feeling is amazing and when you fall for someone its simply stunning and rewarding.

Relationships are most definitely more rewarding (for me anyways) but its important to be real with yourself… when things change they change, dont try to fool yourself into thinking they havent, otherwise you will end up with that shitty 50% of failed relationships.

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Jordan Lejuwaan (23,445)A (@jordan) 10 years, 12 months ago ago

Love is 100% chemical — that’s a fact. But if you view it like that, you should also view life as just a series of chemical reactions. In that light, your every decision is not governed by you but by thousands of minute calculations in your brain that eventually spit out a logical reaction. And happiness is just a release of seratonin and dopamine :)
In the case of love and everything else, I think ignorance really is bliss.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

I dont totally agree jordan, I think love is an epiphenomenon or emergent property of your brain and thus of the whole universe, the fact that we have genes and life is an emergent property of that doesn’t mean you can reduce it to mere genes. The fact that you know it has a chemical basis doesnt make it less real for you to feel love, act on love and ARE love at those moments of rare extacy.

I think it a really nihilistic/existentialistic trap to fall in, and once you do that, if you can reduce all actions to randomness (quantum wave field), it seems all existence is meaningless. But this is just a metaphysical assumption of the same category of determinism/free will, creator/no creator. Who can say for sure? But once you feel the love of this universe you know for sure that THAT is it, a conclusion you wouldnt have reached if you just saw the chemical of dopamine.

I think the chemicals are a book, and without a reader they are indeed meaningless.

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Alex G (0) (@nekops) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

“I think some people are meant to come into our lives for a period of time and reveal a layer of ourselves to us.” It’s so funny you say that Rachel because I just kind of realized this/thought about it for the first time today. What a coincidence! I kind of agree though. Some people are good at helping you see yourself better than you can on your own; I am always thankful for it, especially when there are no selfish motives involved. It’s also interesting that THIS discussion has the most activity that I have experience thus far on this site. Maybe this is what life’s all about.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

I don’t think it can be a coincidence that all major religions value love so highly, the universe is love!

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Brittney Novelly (16) (@novdog) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

I LOVE hearing all of your opinions on this!
I very recently have learned of the automaton theory… belief that human beings are biochemical machines and that the universe, down to the smallest particle, is rational. So if love and life and all of these things are just chemical reactions, this theory states that there is some sort of rationality behind them. Maybe this rationality is based off of what humans perceive as love and unity?

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Jordan Lejuwaan (23,445)A (@jordan) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

Oo Martijn, our first disagreement! Okay just to recap, you said: “The fact that you know it has a chemical basis doesnt make it less real for you to feel love, act on love and ARE love at those moments of rare extacy.” — and I completely agree with that. I was saying that yes, it’s definitely a chemical reaction but that doesn’t mean we should view it as being any less magical than it is commonly portrayed as being.
You then said: “I think it a really nihilistic/existentialistic trap to fall in, and once you do that, if you can reduce all actions to randomness (quantum wave field), it seems all existence is meaningless.” Which again is what I was saying — we can’t view it as simple a chemical reaction or we might as well go all the way and say that life itself is just chemical. Who wants to live a reality like? Sounds horrible to me.
Where we disagree is when you said “Who can say for sure?” but then you say “But once you feel the love of this universe you know for sure that THAT is it, a conclusion you wouldnt have reached if you just saw the chemical of dopamine.” So is it ‘who can say for sure’ or is there a definitive answer?
Let’s argue more often :)

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Ben (231)M (@benjamin) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

It’s my belief that the chemical reactions which cause deep emotions are the method through which the universe has us experience deep emotion, and I believe there is magic and deepness behind the chemicals and how they work. Just because something is a chemical reaction doesn’t mean it’s pointless, scientific/cold, and void – they are simply the medium through which we feel. I think that science allows us to understand how our emotions are caused by chemicals – but science/the human mind will never comprehend what those chemicals truly are, what their origins and purpose in the grand universe are, and what at their very core makes them exist/function. So, we can understand the basics of our emotions (chemicals), but what makes human emotion truly deep is something behind/about the chemicals we can’t understand. Then again, I could be totally wrong, especially considering my belief is founded pretty much entirely on my intuition, but regardless this is what I think.

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AzT (1) (@azmosis) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

Forever Alone. Don’t really know how to ‘love’ someone romantically

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Jordan Lejuwaan (23,445)A (@jordan) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

It’s completely cliche, but I bet you just haven’t found the right one yet, AzT. I’ve only found one girl that I could truly love so far and I swear it was complete luck. A chance encounter or serendipity if you will.

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AzT (1) (@azmosis) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

Well I’ll give it time then. Haha. I know that I’m looking for that intimacy, but I don’t know how to act when someone actually shows interest. Really, it’s hard to be sort of socially inept.

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bralyo (1) (@brady) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

I enjoy the comfort of [most] of my relationships more than the person. Once in a blue moon, I’ll find someone that I’m crazy about, which [agreeing with Jordan] would be completely chemical where I’m most like drawn to the aesthetics of their face.

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Jordan Lejuwaan (23,445)A (@jordan) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

@Brady do you think that you’re experience in “love” has been mostly due to an immense attraction to the aesthetics of the face? Thinking back to my one experience, that definitely played a part but her personality was equally enrapturing :) I think chemistry is the biggest factor

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Cat (0) (@catalina) 10 years, 11 months ago ago

I’ll save my two pennies for later, once I get some sleep. For now, in case some of you haven’t stumbled upon this yet, here is something to lighten up the mood:
http://mil-millington.com/
Keep reading at least until you reach the ‘I’m gagging for it’ part. It will provide you with countless embarrassing moments of spontaneous chuckles while in a roomful of strangers. At least that’s what it did for me…

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