So you've decided you want to become an evil super villain

 yoinkie (@yoinkie)7 years, 5 months ago

Hi, Im Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as “Lead Paint: Delicious but deadly” and “Locker room towel fights: The blinding of Larry Driscoll”. You may also remember me from how to videos such as “Smoke yourself Thin” and “Get Confidence, Stupid!” In todays presentation, we will try and guide you to becoming the Super evil Villain you have always dreamed of becoming. Most kids grow up dreaming of becoming a super hero, but you always knew better than that. Being a villain has way more perks and almost no responsibility.

So why should you become an evil super villain anyways? Well for starters, you will have way more friends. Bruce Wayne is super rich, but has two friends, one whose a butler and the other is a cop. Peter Parker was a lonely nerd who had one real friend his entire life, and even he decided to become a villain. Clark Kent? Wolverine? The Hulk? The truth is, being a superhero is one of the loneliest gigs out there. And you might find love, but you will have to hide your identity your entire life to protect her, which will lead her to nagging you and asking you questions such as, “Bitch, where the hell did you run off to last night?” And, “Why you always running off when theres danger? Good thing the superhero came and saved me.” While Villains reek in popularity. Norman Osborne Was one of the most popular kids. Magneto had an army of dedicated companions. Hell, even Victor Von Doom was super rich and hosted many social gatherings. And even if you do end up becoming a supervillain who doesnt have any friends, FRET NOT! You can just hire some evil minions. The superhero only gets to have 1 or two sidekicks(unless they join to become super friends or the avengers, but fuck all that). Your minions may not be able to kill or harm anything, but they will always be super loyal to you, and Im pretty sure they work for cheap. And if they dont, fuck em, shoot their ass. Who cares, your a villain anyways.

– You get to have an evil laugh. Superheroes always are expected to be model citizens, and even if they have a moment where they let out a laugh, no one will ever hear anyways(because they dont have any friends, remember). But an evil Villain, you can hijack a TV channel or put your face on the jumbotron in Times square, and let out your evil laugh all day long if you want.

– You get to be evil. Smoke weed, fuck dirty bitches, and do whatever you want to, whenever you want to. While Clark Kent is trying to impress the dull Lois Lane his entire life, you can be out having dirty one night stands with groupies(oh yea, when your an evil supervillain, you have groupies). And you can kill anyone you want to without any repruccisions. The police cant touch you, they will try, but they will always fail. Only the super hero can bring you to justice

.- You never have to worry about anyone hurting you. You wont die from a heart attack, car accident, cancer, accidental bullet shot by your terrible aiming minions, or anything else that normal people have to worry about in their day to day lives. No, you will only meet your demise in your final battle with your arch nemesis, the Super Hero. And even than, you probably wont die. The bigger the Super hero you are fighting, the better chance that you somehow survived that epic final battle and crawled away to safety when no one was looking. Because hey, there is always a part for you in the sequel(and prequel).

– And lastly, the world will know you for who you really are. Superheroes do all the hard work, and reel in none of the rewards. And the people will probably end up turning on the superhero after a while anyways(see: Dark Knight). But the Villain gets the fame and riches, and doesnt even have to hide his face. And having everyone expecting you to lose is a very good way to live. Low expectations are very easy to reach.So there you have it, folks. So go out there and find your secret lair, hire your evil genetically altered monkey minions, and start planning you dasterdly evil plan for world domination(or even an evhil plan to take over a playground. Remember, you are an evil villain, set you goals low, reach them quicker). Somewhere out there, a super hero awaits his arch nemesis, the evil supervillain. Will it be you?

April 12, 2013 at 8:15 pm
Anonymous (0) (@) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Great and awesomely written. But what’s the point??

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Phil (83) (@urbanuncia) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

@heman, You could say the same thing of the universe.

@yoinkie, did you write this?

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yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

@heman, not sure, just felt like writing. Humor is always fun to read. And there’s a metaphor or two about life…

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Anonymous (214) (@) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

@yoinkie, awesome stuff

My head was nodding throughout the whole read lol

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Anonymous (0) (@) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

<—— This guy.

The cleverest, smartest, darkest, and best villain of them all.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

There’s no plot without a villain.

Life.

Maybe we all suppress our evil villain so we get to be a weak, little, boring hero.

The villain always makes the hero stronger. And vice versa.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Eh, if I had even a fraction of some of the riches some of these villains have, I don’t think I would feel the need to be all that bad. As long as I don’t have to work, I’d be happy as a clam :)

That being said, evil-laughing, creating monsters/robots, mind control, and wonton destruction could be pretty fun though. Also I think it’d be great fun to be a Sith Lord for a day.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

@yoinkie, Nice read. The villains don’t have to hide their faces got me thinking. Also, the music is totally cool http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILObfEzX92k

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yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

@beyond, duuude. I loveeee Dr horriblrs sing along I thought no one knew it. Soo funnyyyy

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