suicide

Scarlet Wall-flower (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago

I think my medication is doing this to me.
But i just want to die. Take all my pills. And the people around me are no help. They…incouraged it. I feel lonely and trapped. The only people that care about me and are actually kind with me ive never actually met.

With moms track record, i can make her loose custody of me. But where would i go? My entire family is abusive.

I have no therapist any more. Bc my meds i require one. Im pretty sure thats a law bc the possible side effects and the fact that im “a threat to my self and others” not my words.

The anger started with paranoia as i wrote my morning pages. Worried my nosy step dad would read it. Bc he asked for the password of my digital one. He thinks its ok to read your kids journals.
From paranoia i got aggresive. Thinking of all the different ways i can “harm” my step dad if he read it. Then i looped back to paranoia ….. its like…their after my happiness. I find some bliss and i have it taken away from me. So if im happy i cant even share it because if i share what makes my happy “the evil mom fairy” will swooop in and steal it from me. Again. So i have to pretend to be just “ok” and usually, bc i have to hide what brings me happiness, its not an act. Then i become missurable again.

So ive been trying to write my morning pages all day and im constantly interupted by things. Particularlg people. And i hear mom down stairs start “you should ask jade to-” i screamed. Just screamed. Like the scariest demonic growl i could muster.

Mom told me to take my meds.

I poured the entire bottle into my hand after she threatened me for yelling. She said “go a head, ill help you.”
I disided to take just one. My step dad wasnt even paying attention. He was standing right there and totally missed it. Because he is a fucking moron and spaces out alot. A loof.

I usually dont think of suicide. But now it clouds my mind.

October 20, 2013 at 10:30 am
Mark (16) (@mfowler73) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

That’s important that you can recognize when a suicidal feeling is approaching, but you need to develop a strategy for how to deal with that. You most definitely should talk with your psychiatrist as soon as possible because suicidal thoughts are a surprisingly common side effect of medications. It’s really unfortunate that your family treats you like that. If they always lets you down then you can’t let your happiness rest upon what they will do or you will never be happy. It sounds like you have plenty to write about and that could be a very promising outlet for you. Don’t view your family and negative emotions as inhibiting your writing, but rather inspiring it. I wish you the best, peace and [email protected],

[Hidden]
Ben (62) (@Mallorn) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

well first of all, meds like that are /proven/ to reinforce suicidal thoughts/feelings/fantasies/etc. keep that in mind, it’s interfering with your brain’s chemistry.

people who don’t try to understand you can be damn annoying, especially when they’re supposed to be smart adults caring for you. Even if they keep interrupting your happiness that’s the only thing that matters. That you do what you want and need to feel happy. explore your mind and genuinely go through all the feels you’re feeling. Think about why things piss you off, why you’re so sad, etc. from someone who’s been right where you are, it’s the only thing that helps.

While all our problems will certainly be solved when we die, well, that’s the end. You don’t get a second chance. Sometimes suicide is the only cure-all we can think of, but it’s an illusion. What will really ease your pain is to deal with the things in your life that are still making you suffer. After avoiding it for years, eventually I just had to sit down and bawl my eyes out about some stuff that happened when I was a child. And that gave me a ton of clarity about why I was thinking about suicide. It’s like I thought the sadness would kill me, so the only way to avoid that was to die first.

But feeling those things won’t kill you, it just makes you feel alive by solidifying who you are. So feel all the things you naturally feel, it’s part of being an emotional human. Indeed, the only way to be healthy is to think through these things and feel them. That’s what freud meant by repression. We literally stuff feelings away to feel them later, but if they’re not felt, they stew and lead to the stuff you’re dealing with now.

So while your mom may be annoying and out-of-touch, when you scream at her it’s like you’re trying to get out some of that frustration. But taking it out on her won’t help as much as genuinely feeling it for yourself.

Also your step-dad may back off if you maturely show him that you deserve respect and privacy just like he does. And if he doesn’t, well, you’re smart. Show him a fake diary to throw him off.

The internet can really help, there’s so much advanced stuff about psychology scattered around. Remember that there are some people who never consider suicide, so they may have trouble understanding. But you need to see that want you really want isn’t to die. You just want to be out of pain. And you can get there, it just takes some thinking. and maybe crying.

Those are the things that most help me…if you have any more questions please ask. it sucks to be where you are, i know it too well. and even if we’re all scattered around the internet, there are still real people on the other side =)

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@mfowler73, im a writer, actually. Well…i try. Infact ive been interupted 3 times in this one sentence.

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

So you can imagine i never get to write. Ive been writing the same book for 5 years.

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

Ive started over ten times. Finished once. Im on chapter one page one right now.

[Hidden]
yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@stick2skript, so the thing that makes you angriest is that your step dad tries to read your journal? It sounds like you don’t share much with them so they are probably just interested in what’s going on in your life. Maybe talk to them instead of being angry and they won’t be nosy. And there is no point in screaming if someone asks you to help them do something. You’re a family, you’re expected to help out.

[Hidden]
Ben (62) (@Mallorn) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

lol @stick2skript, the self-doubt may be a sign that you’re a writer. I’ll be in a conversation and get asked a nuanced question, my response, “Well, if…well actually… well….”

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@mallorn, quite true

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

There gonna take me to the loony bin yay

[Hidden]
LVX (297) (@Vovinawol) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

Are we meant to go through these things? For me, yea, I was and I am.
Ive had those thoughts too, but if I leave here, then they can’t kiss my ass.

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@vovinawol, lol clever thank you

[Hidden]
LVX (297) (@Vovinawol) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

The shit I go through only gives me the strength that I will need later in my life. I would suppose that for others this may also be the case.

[Hidden]
LVX (297) (@Vovinawol) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

I’m not trying to be clever, but I don’t like long drawn-out post. I am with you for sure : )

[Hidden]
LVX (297) (@Vovinawol) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

I think that these types of feelings are like a very strong Demon, and it is awesome when we beat them! We can beat them.

[Hidden]
Alexiel (5) (@mazquerade) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@stick2skript If all else fails, try get as much money together as possible, get a vehicle and some people that you trust (one or two friends maybe) and get the hell out of there. start a new life somewhere, experience some new things. it’ll be a breath of fresh air… if you’re so fed up with the life you’re living that you want to end it, then why not just start a new one instead of wasting yours entirely? x

[Hidden]
LVX (297) (@Vovinawol) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

When I went through one of my MANY trial periods, when younger, a so called friend told me that we have to learn to live with what we can’t overcome. So I told him…fuck that, I am going to overcome all this bullshit then! And then I began to find my path since then. It literally forced me into my path… so to speak.

[Hidden]
fucksake (26) (@fucksake) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

i think OP is a troll . or 13.

In any case , lol kid , what are you depressed about exactly ?

list 10 things, i dare you

[Hidden]
savmot (135) (@savmot) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@fucksake, Do you know what depression is? You don’t have to be depressed ‘about’ something, there are different types and reasons for depression.
Being condescending and insensitive certainly isn’t helpful.


@stick2skript
, To be honest, despite what other people have said about ‘you should talk to your parents’ etc. This:

I poured the entire bottle into my hand after she threatened me for yelling. She said “go a head, ill help you.”

is not good. No parent should say that to their child. But obviously, we are only getting one side of the story.
When I was 15 (15 years ago…) I suffered from depression, self harm, suicidal feelings, paranoia, hallucinations, and various other mental problems (that may actually fall into the paranoia bracket – just things like not thinking when I was around people because I thought they could read my mind, or singing really loudly in my head suddenly if I caught my not being able to sit in the middle of a room – even my bedroom – because I constantly felt there was something evil behind me), basically, life was fucking horrible feeling like that. So, saying that, concerning your mums comments, I know that my behaviour at this time in general to my parents was hostile, aggressive, and in addition they were incredibily worried about me.

Ask yourself if it’s possible that your behaviour due to your mental problems has pushed them to the edge? Is that why your Mum might have said that? Is your dad snooping through your stuff in a desperate attempt to find out what might be wrong with you?

Only you can look at your situation and honestly answer this.

I suggest you have a thorough read through of all the articles on this website. Meditation and spirituality helped me a lot when I was younger.

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@fucksake,
1. Over controling step father.
2. Mother who is hostile and pissed off all the time and gets mad over dump shit like missing lunch because i had to go to the emergency room
3. No friends i can trust near by
4. Every body around me is a moron. Litterally. I hate teens. Theyre just…dont get me started
5. I dont want to give too much detail, but i probable cant have kids. Like….physically impossible
6. The figments of my imagination are all assholes
7. Im out casted by school and family for my skitzoaffective disorder
8. My father raped me when i was six and his mom made every body think im lieing.
9. Im not good enough for any body, apparently
10. I miss home. I live in freaking mountains in the middle of no where
11. The people who know im bisexual either dont beleive me or hate me.
12. Im kept away from any small plesure i have (writeing, penpals, other copeing mecanism)
13. Every one around me, since i was a small child has yelled at or around me

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

And im not 13. And what does OP mean?

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

Ok i googled it. And im not 13.

[Hidden]
Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@savmot, i didnt even realize he was insensitive. I mean i read it that way, but its just text so ishrugged it off.

@fucksake
cronic depression also is in the family

[Hidden]
Adam (118) (@moonglade) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@fucksake, Wow… just wow

[Hidden]
inna (95) (@paintedbeings) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@fucksake, what if I told you people develop understanding of the world around them, and during that time it can be warped? Or are you totes smarter than anyone? I do agree with you to some extend, however, because with all these depression posts this website turned into a damned yahoo answers party. But if you’re going to comment on all of them, put your head to the reality of the situation and say something useful, employable to the person. You gotta be able to get into that person’s shoes in order to give them a piece of your advice. I have yet to see you do that. Just a thought. I feel like you don’t realize the benefit you could be giving others if you took the time to understand each situation. It is challenging, but it is also rewarding.

[Hidden]
lurch (1) (@lurch) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

americans are fukt when it comes to parenting, looks like your mother is using reverse psychology on you to stop you taking an OD, it worked this time right?

[Hidden]
Viewing 24 reply threads
load more