I think my medication is doing this to me.
But i just want to die. Take all my pills. And the people around me are no help. They…incouraged it. I feel lonely and trapped. The only people that care about me and are actually kind with me ive never actually met.
With moms track record, i can make her loose custody of me. But where would i go? My entire family is abusive.
I have no therapist any more. Bc my meds i require one. Im pretty sure thats a law bc the possible side effects and the fact that im “a threat to my self and others” not my words.
The anger started with paranoia as i wrote my morning pages. Worried my nosy step dad would read it. Bc he asked for the password of my digital one. He thinks its ok to read your kids journals.
From paranoia i got aggresive. Thinking of all the different ways i can “harm” my step dad if he read it. Then i looped back to paranoia ….. its like…their after my happiness. I find some bliss and i have it taken away from me. So if im happy i cant even share it because if i share what makes my happy “the evil mom fairy” will swooop in and steal it from me. Again. So i have to pretend to be just “ok” and usually, bc i have to hide what brings me happiness, its not an act. Then i become missurable again.
So ive been trying to write my morning pages all day and im constantly interupted by things. Particularlg people. And i hear mom down stairs start “you should ask jade to-” i screamed. Just screamed. Like the scariest demonic growl i could muster.
Mom told me to take my meds.
I poured the entire bottle into my hand after she threatened me for yelling. She said “go a head, ill help you.”
I disided to take just one. My step dad wasnt even paying attention. He was standing right there and totally missed it. Because he is a fucking moron and spaces out alot. A loof.
I usually dont think of suicide. But now it clouds my mind.
@stick2skript, my mother told me this recently and im going to share it with you
your thoughts and feelings are yours to keep forever its nobodys choice but your own
as long as you can look yourself in the eye then your fine, Theres no hope if you let people bring you down or make choices for you stand up to yourself and the people that ruin you
That’s good. Hopefully you find a better place to express your creativity. And don’t forget, if you ever feel like this again or have something you can’t deal with, there’s a site full of HEthens you can talk to and get help from.
Suicide is one of the saddest things in the world to me. That mindset your in when your contemplating it, everything is numb. No point or purpose to anything. Its hell.
If I could I would give you the biggest hug right now, or to anyone feeling suicidal. Sorry if that sounds weird, but a hug is an instant connection to let someone know they’re not alone, especially when its sincere.
I used to be extremely suicidal. Eventually I somehow just stopped. The thoughts and constant feeling of hopelessness became so overwhelming that I just broke out of it. I started reading a lot of books, things that personally interested me. The more I read the less thoughts i had. Mainly because my mind was to preoccupied with the books and topics I was interested in.
Dont give in, I went to the hospital four times in my life for suicide. Its way better to fight it and become better. Trust me, no matter how dark you feel inside, no matter how many things happened to you, you will become better and you will prevail. All you need is believing that it can change and it totally can! The pills are horrible, I was on them as well and they made all my anxiety and depression worse. I was literally a zombie. I wasn’t sad anymore but I wasn’t happy either, it was a grey zone in the middle. Depression can be be beaten you just need a lot of willpower to change that mind set, it’s hard but it’s not impossible.
@stick2skript, I went through a depression a few years ago. Had thoughts of suicide a few times. In the end, the depression completely changed me for the better. Keep going. Be strong. Be brave. Oh.. and do what YOU want to do in this world, not what anyone else tells you you should do.
Oh, and don’t forget you’re flying through space right now on an organic spaceship surrounded by trillions of stars, planets, and galaxies. Whenever you’re down, just remember that:) Also, next time you are having a depressed thought, recognize that you are having the thought, watch the thought if you will, and then look around the room or where ever you happen to be and ask yourself, is there anything upsetting or bad in this room right now? This very moment? Depression has a lot, no everything to do with repetitive thought patterns. Start to be the one observing the thoughts, as if they were a song. Next time you have a depressed thought just laugh about it because in the end you’re just playing a silly little game with yourself ;)
Oh and watch this: https://www.highexistence.com/videos/view/joe-rogan-what-is-reality-2/
“Every body around me is a moron. Litterally. I hate teens. Theyre just…dont get me started”
“Every one around me, since i was a small child has yelled at or around me”
When you have problems of this calibre… you know you have a tough life.
Not many people know I came close to jabbing a fairly large pair of fabric scissors into my heart. Walking into the road, hoping someone wouldn’t stop in time. Jumping out the top floor of my college head first. Yet, in my gut I felt a serious and sharp wrench that made every cell of my body shout with my voice to stop.
I am going to just reply to you directly. @stick2skript, I have (like I said above) gone to do it but I have always stopped myself. I realised it was stupid and selfish to go through with it. I thought no one would miss me, I was the centre of everything bad that has happened to anyone I cared about and that I shouldn’t be allowed to carry on doing that. You just need to realise that no matter what happens, you can do alot more alive than you would ever do when you are dead. I knew there was alot in my life I had left unfinished and I would leave alot more unaccomplished. I was constantly told I would never make it anywhere, I am an idiot, I would never have a girlfriend, I will always be alone (in every sense) and yet here I am. I’ve had a girlfriend since then (despite it ending bad), I have so many great friends, I love my family and I could never imagine a world without me.
All our situations are different, hell we don’t even know each other. Yet, here you are. Tugging on everyone’s hearts and getting replies. Whether or not they are helpful. You have touched people across the world. Just picture how big the world actually is and how you have received compassion from total strangers.
You, this person who you see before you in the mirror. The words you hear people describe yourself are mere illusions. What you need to find is the person deep down inside and let them surface. Whether that person means you change how you dress, how you talk or anything. If you feel happy and “yourself” while doing it then do it. It really does not matter because you would be happy.
Most of you guys are telling her is to do whatever she and feel happy, but this is the part that makes it difficult is this “abusive parent(s)” This basically means that if she want to do something, her parent would beat her into not doing it (I hope it isn’t that bad but a possibility).
In the worse case scenario, call an abuse hotline, whether it does anything or not it will let those around you understand what you are going through.
Also, finding someone to share with also helps with whatever you are going through (that person doesn’t even have to be real person). For example, as a writer you could channel your pains, frustrations, and despairs of your daily life into a story it doesn’t even have to make sense, or have a visible start and ending
For me the ideal one would be how the character overcomes all the issues at the end but if that is hard get through just write about how life could be like if you were in a completely different environment or world (better or worse).
Wish you the very best in overcoming the adversities ahead. For a brighter tomorrow!
Listen. It’s really hard to make you change your mind, because you are the only one with the power to do so. But you have to realize that there are people who care for you. Just in this thread you have got so many responses and even though they are all different in the presentation style, most of them have the same points: “I have been in your situation, and I know how it feels. But trust me, it will change for the better.” People here are willing to toss a word, because the know the pain you are going through.
I know life can be hard at times like this, but there is much more to the life than you can imagine. Go out and explore the world. I don’t know how old you are, but if you are able to move out of your parent’s house that would maybe make it. You have other options, though. Visit the local library and read books, walk in near-by parks and talk with strangers, find local groups within your interests (music, books, sports, role-play, cycling, painting, stitchting, you name it.
With that being said, it’s really hard to advice you through a forum, and we may not even be able to do so. Consider professional help. And again – you are the only one who can change the outcome of your life. Just remember, we are a bunch of guys who are cheering for you in the sideline. We count on you! Now go out and make us proud. Make your life an adventure! ;-)
The strange thing about what we call life is the fact, that we don’t even know what it consists. You may have a clue based on your own experiences, but there isn’t such a thing as an universal answer. As human beings we are able to think abstract, but our thoughts will always remain doubtful. Ending your life based on the experiences you have made so far in such an young age is not only to be considered as an ignorant action, but also an indication, that you haven’t experienced enough yet.