I’ve stared at this blank page for long enough. I hadnt planned on sitting here, just staring. I had at one point thought that if I didnt know where to begin, the blank page would go ahead and tell me. At the very least, it would give me a boost in the right direction. An inspirational pat on the butt, perhaps?
But the page never did come through on any of those things. So I thought that maybe someone else could help. I showed the blank page to a passer by, asking them, “what do you think? Where should I start?” The stranger stared too, initially, but then had himself an AHA moment. “the top left corner, perhaps? Most professional writers start from their.” Witty, and humorous, this fella. But a help, he was not.
Back to square one. And that empty page. Its starting to mock me silently, I know it. Its talking about me to all its friends, pages that are full of words and ideas and stories. He may mock me, but deep down I know he’s just as frustrated as I am. He knows hes on this journey with me and me alone. No one else chose to write anything on him, and while I havent done so either, atleast i’m trying. And staring.
I cant think of anything new, I cant even begin this god damn first sentence. Maybe take a few steps back, think about what I know. Maybe pick a random word, and focus on it some? Dreams.. dreams.. nah, too vague, and i’ve talked about dreams to a point of exhaustion. Nightmares! Haven’t talked about those before, atleast not directly. Unless you count the numerous times I talked about my life, which to some could be interpreted as a nightmare. What are nightmares? And why do they happen? Does the subconscious love fucking with you and trying to scare the shit out of you? No…that cant be it, this subconscious is usually so helpful, and trying to prove a point somewhere. Then why? Why do I dream about Monsters taking over my town, and snake filled pits, and Clowns. Fucking clowns. Is the subconscious just trying to flex its proverbial dick, and showing off that it can do these things simply so it can?
No, that cant be it, the subconscious has no need for such a self demonizing ego. Im going about this the wrong way, I need a new approach. Why do Nightmares happen, and what real purpose do they serve? I need to relate this question directly to my life. When was the last nightmare I had? Two nights ago. What was it about? Clouds of fire attacking my city. I was alone, and the President had appointed me in charge of saving the world. I became a gum shoe an found out, through a series of adventures and a love interest along the way, that the clouds of fire were coming from an alien mothership. Luckily, I had a spaceship and flew myself to the Aliens and kicked all of their asses with my nun chuks. It was epic, and it was awesome.
What was the point of the nightmare? And why was it so god damn epic in proportions? Well, they say that dreams are usually related to the days events leading up to the sleep. What was I doing that day? Nothing much. What was I feeling that day? Oh yes, I remember. Self depleted. Not good enough.
Uh oh, I can feel myself getting off track. Should I allow it? Considering the fact that the original track I was on had nothing but a blank page and the word “nightmare” written on it, I think I shall.
What was wrong with me that day? Everything. I felt the same feeling I’d felt many times before. Like I didnt really matter. I felt that, yea, i’m kind of cool, people like having me around, but no one NEEDS me around. That girl that cheated. She said she loved me. Told me I was special. But, like the rest, she enjoyed having me around, but didnt need me around. I am, as always, just good enough for second place. A passing spot in the spotlight, the runner up. The first loser. The “there is always next year” type of guy. I know, it could just be stupid emo self esteem issues. But I don’t have self esteem issues, do I? I fucking love myself. I’m awesome, and ive shown that to myself over and over. But others dont see it. Or if they do, its only for moments. I am the perenial “awesome guy to hang out with one night.” The “we totallyyy have to hang out again! Save your number in my phone!” but no future phone call, type a guy. I wonder how many phones I’m in, and how many times people look at my name and number saved in their phone and wonder “who the fuck is that guy?”
Ok, need to get back on track. Lets make a connection here, somewhere. I felt useless, then dreamed about nasty alien clouds of fire. I put my entire focus on myself and my issues, and made them insurmountable mountains in my waking life. Then a nightmare that showed me killer aliens? Wheres the connection?
Need a different approach. Ok, so what could aliens attacking earth really do to help me get out of my self esteem crisis? Well, for one thing, those killer alien clouds sure did make my problems seem small, insignificant. And got me out of my own head. And you know what, I woke up the next day not really thinking like a little emo kid. I felt…better.
Watch out, blank piece of paper, I might be on to something here. Maybe nightmares help us realize that most of our day to day problems arent as tough as we make them out to be. Maybe, when we struggle within ourselves during the waking life, we keep asking ourselves why it is we feel this way. We ask ourselves these questions, not really expecting a reply, rather just asking for the sake of asking. We dont really think anyone is listening, but our subconscious always is.
I felt like I was always number two, good enough but not needed. Then the world almost ended and the president asked me to save the world. I flew a fucking spaceship and Beat down some fucking aliens. Not good enough? Nooo, brain, you are good enough. No human has taken on a mothership of aliens and won. Except Will Smith, Of course.
Nightmares. The unconventional stress relievers. Just the subconscious’s way of saying, stop being such a wussy about your own emotions and come over here to fight these monsters.
We ARE onto something. Alright, blank piece of paper, my words want to be ON YOU. Now all I have to do, is think of an intriguing first sentence that will catch the readers attention among thousands just like it. Shit.
@yoinkie, i stare at blank pieces of paper consistently. its amazing i just got these words out, honestly. i see it can be done, though. and rather well.
i keep waiting, and for nothing. second guessing tends to be a favorite amongst myself lately
thanks for filling it up (:
@yoinkie, I love this. It sums up my thoughts when I hit a block in anything(writing, art, music, work, etc). You WANT to be doing something but you just dont know where to start. You know if you can just somehow figure out a starting point, everything else will be easy.
Its those moments before starting a 8 page essay due tomorrow morning. You know if you can just come up with an opening, the words will flow. This piece was beautiful because it seems like you really didnt know what you wanted to write about, so you just started writing about not know what to write! And in the end, even that turned out to be awesome.
@cosmicplur, I’m the same way. So I hope you find comfort in knowing that atleast you arent alone. We just have to struggle through that first start, the first paragraph and let our minds take control.
And that isnt just about writing. Music, art, work, career, LIFE, everything. Its always hard to know where to start, but that shouldnt hold us down from starting. Lets all take first steps today.
@seeker, Thanks for reading! Glad you could find the humor in it, haha.