The Infamous Friend Zone

Alex Eastman (@alex) 11 years, 4 months ago

Why does this exist?
I’ve been stuck in this zone of no-return more than once, and I’d like to know why some people do this. I’ve wondered about it more than once.

April 4, 2011 at 3:49 am
Tobias Valdemar Broe Knudsen (92) (@2bias) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Incredible how this site keeps showing me people with the same problems i have gone with for a long time! I agree with Krish, I think it happens because you go forward to slowly and the person becomes to comfortable with you as a friend and therefore can’t seem to think of you differently as if you were a relative :)

Shirley Bayne (3) (@shirley) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Brandon makes a couple point. DEFINITELY don’t compliment the shit outta her. So lame. Tell her nice things, but PLAY with her. If you’re not good at flirting (meaning, all you do is say stupid catch phrases in response to everything she says, and basically beg her to hang out with you, etc) then quit trying to flirt, and get on the joking train. Women like laughing. Also, a physically beautiful woman is more interested in the ONE guy that isn’t always like, “you’re so beautiful”
Tobias is way OFF!!!! Sorry, Bro.

Exist (12) (@exist) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

The best way to beat the friend zone is to not get into it at all.

Be a MAN.

First off, beat your insecurities and start becoming a better person. (This might take months or even years, but it is essential, once you start, your life will be a continual improvement) [This never ends].

Stop looking for an outcome in everything, ie “I hope this girl likes me” “I hope this girl finds me funny” “Maybe if I do this she’ll do this”. Doing this will do nothing but cause you to run through it in your mind, making it just as much an insecurity issue as any other.

Stop looking at girls as the Prize, and start thinking of yourself as the Prize, keep your options open.

Oh, you have to be social and be able to talk to girls as well, it’s all very well being very desirable but if you don’t have any social skills, you’ll need to develop them adequately.

Shirley Bayne (3) (@shirley) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Geoff!!! Yeah!

Zon (3) (@ozon) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Posted by Shirley Bayne:

“Yeah!!! Unmark yourself by not acting overly eager to kiss ass, and by being fun and funny and smart, and by having other women interested in you. Then, get drunk with her and accidentally find yourselves naked. Done.”

EXACTLY, to the letter, what happened with me and a current romantic interest :D

Not saying I’m definitely funny and smart, but y’know…I am. Tequila goes a long way in these situations, get her out as your ‘wing-woman’ and get some (mutually agreed of course) tequila down your necks. You’ll soon find out if there’s any sexual chemistry between you. If not it’ll be a damn good night.

Shirley Bayne (3) (@shirley) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

love it :)

Anonymous (2) (@) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

There is never a universal answer to anything when it comes to women, what works on one girl at the library wont work on the girl shooting pool at the bar “The best way to beat the friend zone is to not get into it at all.”. I disagree with this train of thought, there is nothing wrong with the friend zone. It’s better than no zone. But because you are in the friend zone, doesn’t mean you are locked in. There are a few simple rules I have learned from my personal experience with women, don’t take these as fact, just something that has worked for me, take them, and adapt them to what works for you.

1. Stand out. You don’t need to do the “pea-cocking” that most dating “guru” would have you believe. It’s the little things. Take some time and pick out which girl you want to go after, women notice if you go from group to group hitting on girls. No girl wants to be taken home by “that guy”.. If she has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen, comment on her bracelet, not her eyes. She knows her eyes are great. And I’ve noticed that when you compliment the personal things, bracelets, necklaces, rings, and not her physical appearance it generally turns into a better conversation, the necklace might stand for something to her, and she picked it out. She didn’t pick out her facial features or her skin tone.
2. Be different – Not the same as step one. Take some time and again, observe, if there is a beautiful women, and she is getting hit on over and over, this could seem like a problem, how could you compete with the competition? It’s not. Instead of going directly for what you want, make her come to you. Wait for the next guy to come up and try to hit on her, then walk up to her and try something casual like “Hey. I got your text. Sorry I’m late. Traffic was terrible.” and put yourself between him and her ( all is fair in love and war ) Talk for a bit until he goes away, and then play it off with something like “Sorry. Just thought you wanted a break. I’ve got to go meet up with my friends, but I would love to talk to you again sometime.” Don’t linger. You have showed you are confident, you broke the ice, and you switched it up from “Damn girl. Lemme get you a drink.”
3. Don’t rush. If things are meant to be, you will end up having plenty of time with this woman, go slow. This is one of the hardest things to do in my opinion, when all you want to do is talk to her and be around her constantly.
4. Be genuine – Don’t be something you are not, women can see through it. Don’t worry about what someone else would have said in that situation, if you are confident in yourself and you are who you are, women will find that irresistible. Trust me on this. The one thing women want the most is a man who is confident in who he is.
5. Conversation – This is crucial. I wouldn’t recommend writing a list of topics to talk about on your hand in sharpie ( when you sweat and rub you forehead it wears off ) but have a few topics on the ready for those awkward pauses in conversation. And vary them, one about politics, one about nature, one about world events, you might stumble upon something she is interested in ( bonus points )
6. Mystery – Dont tell her your entire life story on the first night. Give it time, again, go slow. Let some of the mystery about you stay a mystery.
7. Other women – I dont understand this one. At all. But girls like you more when other girls want you. Dont ask me why.
8. Be Clean – Smell good, be shaved, trimmed, groomed, whatever is your style, but dress to impress. How you are dressed and how you present yourself give off a non-verbal first impression, I dont mean a suit and tie. But at least coordinate the outfit, dont just pick things off the top. The right look can go a long way.

I know this went a bit off-topic from your friendzone post and how to stay out of it, but if you establish these as a base, you can build from there. Go out and practice flirting and complimenting OTHER girls than the one you want, if you crash and burn, no big deal, you didn’t just lose the girl you have been pining over for the last however long. Once you are confident, make her yours.

And best of luck mate. None of it is easy, but it’s worth it.

Austin (1) (@austindcramer) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Shirley, if only your amazing advice could apply to 15 year olds with anal-retentive parents…

Alex Eastman (71) (@alex) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

thanks a ton chris, what i’m looking for is advice. :)

Exist (12) (@exist) 11 years, 2 months ago ago


The things you have mentioned are mostly physical i.e. ‘Look good, Smell good’ and these things only matter to an extent. You then advise ‘be yourself’ but then a lot of your other info contradicts this i.e. ‘comment on her bracelet instead of her eyes’, which is why I believe my natural method of long-term life shaping is overall a more strong (and lifelong) solution.

All in all, you can still escape the friend zone if you stop believing it exists and limiting yourself by it, but this is a later stage realisation, first you need to work on healing yourself and becoming a better person, which will reflect in everyone who is around you.

Bryan (0) (@brainyb89) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

I completely agree with Cristina. When you’re young, just have fun. I’ve learned that the hard way. Trying to always create a relationship out of nothing instead of just letting things happen eventually (from some honest effort of course) can lead to some heartbreaks.

Zon (3) (@ozon) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

Having other women liking you is a massive truth in my experience, a girl i like and have known for 6 years only made her intentions crystal clear when another girl wanted me. Now i’m seeing them both (with their knowledge of course, it was an open relationship with girl #1 and therefore fair enough). We had always had a cheeky flirtatious friendship but it was just a friendship until I changed my FB status to reflect I was now ‘in an open relatiosnhip’. Suddenly the questions come in thick and fast and a few tequilas on the next meeting resulted in a “when are you going to kiss me??” from her.

I think it’s to do with the psychology of safety.,.if someone else has tried you out and likes you then you must be a safe bet. Heh. Either that or it’s a case of realising they could lose what they already wanted?

Kirsten (1) (@kirsten) 11 years, 2 months ago ago

I know that my boyfriend and I completely skipped being friends. That might be a good or a bad thing to some people. We talked online a little bit before we went and saw a ballgame together. Firstly, he remained mysterious, like Chris said. He told me a few interesting things about him, but blocked out all the rest, and caused me to wonder about him. Secondly, he was never an asshole, but he knew how to charm me playfully. If I were talking to someone else and I turned to look at him, I would find him looking at me, and as soon as I saw him, a smile would slide on his face, which also made me wonder what he was thinking.

I don’t want to say he PLAYED me, but I HAD only just turned seventeen, and he was 21 at the time, and had a little more experience than I did. We didn’t sleep to together the first time we met or anything, but it was very soon afterwards. That’s when it became an unspoken agreement that we belonged to each other, THEN he told me everything about himself and now we’re very close, and I can talk to him about anything.

There’s not a perfect way to do anything I’m afraid, but all I can say is two things worked on me:
1. charm/charisma
2. mystery

I would definitely say you can make them work for you.
Sorry, my advice was very brief, and probably repetitive, but so much has already been covered, so I didn’t have a lot to say.

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