The Loneliest feeling: MDMA?

 JonH (@IJesusChrist) 7 years, 10 months ago

So a while ago I published that I was going to be getting MDMA & Mescaline.

MDMA came, mescaline never did (fingers still crossed).

I took the mdma, as I was going to send the rest to other people, and I wanted to try it myself first to make sure it was good (plus I had never tried it and was very eager).

I took 50 mg, as I didn’t know what it was. 1 Hour – nothing.
Took 60 mg 1 :00, and following this, something started.

I felt airy and light, and exactly the same as a come-up on psilocybin. Like, Stop whatever the hell you’re doing IJC and DO SOMETHING kind of feeling. So I turned on some music and started dancing. It was great, really wonderful. I could have danced all night no doubt about it.

Then I wanted to talk. I ended up skyping with some people from here, and talking to my girlfriend on the phone (separately) for the majority of the night.

However… upon hanging up, or sometimes in the middle of a conversation (even when people were talking, it seemed) instant dread. Abyssal dread. Total insanity. Like the floor had just dropped out beneath me and I was falling.

My jerk reaction is to say “Bye I need to go. Now.” and hang up, or whatever. WHICH I’M INFINITELY GLAD I DIDN’T. For that feeling, when you’re actually alone, is so, so terrible.

I had it on my first mushroom trip, and honestly it is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

Which brought me to question whether what I had was MDA or MDMA.

At 100mg, the dose wasn’t very high, and there were no CEVs or OEVs that I could tell, nor did I feel like there were any psychedelic effects. My thoughts weren’t very crazy, they were very truthful. With psilocybin and THC it seems I can have the most paranoid – delusional thoughts come, but here it was just very TRUTH- full.

I told my girlfriend things I’ve never told her (we’ve been together for 4 years).

I had no sensation to really cuddle with my cat, although I loved following him around and showing him stuff. I wasn’t turned on sexually at all, although I would have loved to just cuddle and talk with my lady. There was no “Oh my god, this rug feels sooooooooo goooooooooood” kind of stuff we always see with media.

So, I’m curious. Does anyone think what I had is MDA, rather than MDMA?

The following day I felt quite lonely and sad as well.

Good thing some people can test this on an LC/MS or NMR (wink)

December 29, 2013 at 2:19 pm
thepatient (1) (@thepatient) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

We can only guess what you possibly had given that drugs affect everyone differently, and no one here is a chemist who can swing by your house and test the stuff. I have done a Ecstasy, MDMA, shrooms, and stimulants, so I will offer up my best guess.

MDMA & X were always more of an “emotional” high for me; the experience was more about what you felt and were your mind goes rather than seeing stuff. The MDMA experience and the X experience are similar, yet different. X is cut with stimulants, so you will have their effects too. MDMA is mellow and somewhat more…contemplative, whereas X makes you feel more active. Onset does usually take about an hour(with the high lasting about 6-8 hours), and the initial sensations I experienced were the giddy, tingly feeling and a physical and emotional warmth starting to radiant from within me. The physical sensations were only, for me, heightened sense of touch and light became more radiant. Again, it was more about inner experience. I was very in touch with the emotions I experienced during the high, somewhat contemplative(but I’ve always been “in my head” so that could just be me), and had a desire to emotionally connect with people. Sexual feelings weren’t very present(especially on MDMA), and I found myself wanting to be more physically affectionate to people around me(hug and cuddle). I have heard that for women it’s the opposite; they feel more sexual while rolling. I suppose it’s because MDMA makes people feel more comfortable. I can’t say that I ever had the dread feeling. MDMA managed to always make me feel carefree.

I’m sober now, so obviously I don’t do anymore drugs. However, I feel that if you try to use a drug experience for personal growth then you could come out of it with more than an ephemeral “cool” experience. I do have a question for you. Did you ever feel the “universal connectedness” while on shrooms? It was really an emotional nor intellectual feeling, rather it could be described as an intuitive feeling that I was a spec in the universe, yet I was a part of it(and it was me).

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JonH (1,139)C (@IJesusChrist) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

I am a chemist, and do have access to lab equipment to test it. Lucky me. I don’t know if I will (for obvious reasons). I read up and I’m fairly certain the majority of this compound is MDMA, not MDA, and that the depressive feeling isn’t uncommon – its kind of the byproduct of the intense happy.

As for your question, I never really have. I’ve had the most insane ideas and epiphanies and feelings and so forth, but I’ve never had the famous feeling of ‘one-ness’ with everything. I’ve had love, euphoria, deathly terror, and everything in between, but never a one-ness with all.

I’ve felt CONNECTED to people, as if we should break down ever social barrier we’ve ever had (I feel that when I’m sober, damnit). But not one-ness.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Same thing happened to me when I was depressed and overstressed without drugs… so just to point out it was only a mental issue for me. I don’t mean you should get yourself checked for a mental illness, of course, but I’m sure your mental state is equally as important to explain the effect. The condition had me panicking for no rational reason, realizing I’m panicking for no reason and calming down, then again – the same thing repeating while all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind. Was it the caffeine? The stress? The cold? Everything? Another thing is that I couldn’t “unlock” my artistic side because loneliness is usually a good time for me, but I’ve come to realize not always and I’m severely forcing myself. I’m sorry I don’t know anything about MDMA, just my psyche and physiological states.

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JonH (1,139)C (@IJesusChrist) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

My mind has set up a ‘oh shit’ kind of panic mode, due to my first mushroom trip. The slightest feeling of non-sobriety quickly fills my mind with “Am I ok? Is something wrong? Too much caffeine?” Just like you said. My mind kind of bit its own ass, so to speak, by OVER-analyzing anything that takes me out of sobriety.

If I had felt this depressive abyss during the come-up, I would have understood it. But it was in the middle of nothing. We were talking, the sentence was clear, and then boom, negative beyond imagination.

However, upon looking back, I, myself, were never talking at the time. I was always listening to others. Which begs the question whether I had stumbled over a depressive thought during the conversation, had a moment to analyze it while the other was talking, and suddenly it consumed me. I’ve had this happen many times before – but this passt experience was kind of just so sudden, seemingly no connection with the depressive feeling and anything in reality.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

I was also sleep deprived. I don’t know if you have a daily healthy routine, but my irregularity was also part of the cause. The honesty part sounds like the effects of alcohol. I can only guess but I think the mental preparation before taking any substance matters, probably not like convincing yourself like placebo, because if my body can’t handle it… I’m concluding this because mental preparation is a powerful thing for sobriety too. So even when I drink alcohol somehow I start resisting the effect mentally, but I turn red and feel nauseas because I know I shouldn’t. It’s like I’m scaring the shit out of myself and it works, even if moderation isn’t looking pretty. So I don’t know. At the same time I’m resisting to enjoy myself which now just seems insane and this could be the main problem. Hopefully you’ll figure it out. I’m trying to figure myself out.

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sian (109) (@siantastic) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, heh, opposite thing happens to me. First 2 times I took it I was in a festival environment…got the urge to dance, danced…but then boom…’oh my fucking god, all these people…I need to be alone, NOW’. I then found some tree or shit to sit under, and had a great time, completely on my own. Last 2 times, I was in the house alone, and pretty much lay on the floor listening to music the whole time. My mind is very still and quiet on it. So too much interaction feels like overload. I have had slight psychedelic effects every time, with everything looking all sparkly and shit and the same CEV’s that I have with weed and meditation. I read that MDA has more psychedelic effects, so I feel like if you’d taken it, you would have felt something at least a little psychedelic. I wouldn’t say I’ve been specifically sad the next day, but definitely deeply contemplative.

I won’t bother taking it again though. I can get the exact same effects from being mindful.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

probably some sass

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

maybe stomped on a little sass?

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

theres actually mdaa and other analogs that go around too with the same effect but a completely different drug

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

cheaper and called ecstacy, with a different tolerance

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JonH (1,139)C (@IJesusChrist) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

This was suppose to be very pure MDMA. I’m going to analyze it. The people I sent the rest to have so far had no effects with a T – 3 hour since they dropped. Strange thing, although not unheard of with MDMA.

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