The Road To Nothing
I don’t really know how to explain the situation I am in because I am not sure if even is a situation. For the past few years, I have been so caught up in trying to find a reason for my existence and it’s only leading to more anxiety. But, somedays I feel strong. I feel as if nothing can stop me from doing what I want to do. I also keep telling myself that this is just a process and I’ll eventually figure out who I am.
I am 21 years old and about to be a college graduate. In high school, I was kinda going with the flow of things. My passive personality allowed me to be chill with everyone and live stress free throughout my teen years. Throughout these years I played on our volleyball team and although I didn’t believe in how talented I was, I had many coaches and friends telling me that I was going to be great my senior year. My senior year came around and I helped our team bring home a championship. i was happy that I was able to make my school proud, along with my parents and sister as well. My success as a volleyball player was noticed and I was soon recruited to play college ball at a division 3 school back east, which I will explain in a bit.
Also, throughout my high school years, I was kind of a “ladies man.” I’d have one girlfriend, then I would break up with her for another. I’m aware now that that is an asshole move, but even now I’m still questioning my decisions. Like, “How could I be such a mean person?” Many people would tell me how I could do that and not show any type of emotion, but truthfully, I was hurting just as much as the girl because I felt so bad for my actions that I was committing.
After high school, everyone told me that I was so exclusive and I would only hang out with the cool kids. I disagreed because I literally only hung out with one other friend who was on the volleyball team as well. I never wanted to be popular. I just wanted to go through life like everyone else and get a job and support my family and the people I care about.
During this time, i became obsessed with rap music. I starting writing my own verses that didn’t really have punch lines, but more of a Kid Cudi feel. I will expand more on this shortly.
When I began college, I was still confused with the person I was becoming. I was sleeping with tons of girls, knowing that I didn’t want that, but nothing could beat the pleasure I guess.
I started smoking weed everyday in college because it really alleviated a lot of stress that was piling onto me. One thing that always haunted my mind is that I am in college to get a degree but nothing in the outside world interests me besides making music and writing raps. I don’t want to be a disappointment to my parents.
Another concept that has entered my mind is the use of psychedelics. I have tripped on acid 6 times and shrooms 3. These trips have taught me that I must be the best me that I could possibly be. And how I’m the realist I am ever going to be. The fact that Im writing raps about my life and feelings is real. This is one of the main reasons why I want to continue to pursue this career as an artist. But, other times I have tripped, my mind told me that I am only here to support my family. At the end of the day, as long as your family is eating then everything is good. But, I feel like I’m wasting my life and my creativity if I just get a 9-5 job in a boring office. I just don’t like the idea of conformity. How is anyone truly themselves if we are taught at a young age to stand in a straight line?
I was talking to a former teammate yesterday and he started asking me what I am doing after college. I said that I don’t mind working a job like UPS OR Fedex for awhile because I just don’t think I want a 9-5 at all, unless I’m doing something that I love. He scolded me and said that I should be doing something that I learned in college. I told him that jobs are always going to be there, especially since I have a BA. i just don’t want to continue this social structure because it’s just too repetitive. I feel like the social structure is the reason we can’t find our true selves.
I apologize if this is scattered all over the place. I just don’t know who I am or what I want to do and I’m always so indecisive.
What do you think?
In all honestly, I did not read all of that. But I can tell you to continue doing what you think is right. If you want to work at UPS, do it. Don’t let anyone tell you that what you want is bad. Who know, you might acctually like it. Many people go to school for the wrong things and can regret it. You can have the UPS job and you might meet “the one” or you could end up insanely happy. Doing what you want can lead you to knowing who and what you are. Be happy, do what you want to do, don’t listen to other people.
Before I babel on, make sure you read this article:
It pretty much directly addresses your concern, and picks me up with inspiration when I’m feeling the same way.
I went to college, got lucky, and found a major that I fucking loved. I studied Holistic Psychology, which was all about a “mind, body, spirit” perspective on the human experience. It was so interesting.
I’m 22 now, and working at a therapeutic school. I hope to one day be a meditation teacher, but I know that’s a work in progress.
So next year I plan on getting a teacher’s aide job in a regular school, because I have some experience with that. But I would also be 100% happy being a city mailman. It sounds like fun to walk around the city all day delivering mail. Walking is what I do with a lot of my free time anyway.
My point is that we’re both super young, and there’s no rush to get toward our purpose in life. Your “purpose” is whatever you’re doing in the moment. If you want to go deliver boxes then do it. If it will make you happy for right now that’s all that counts. You & I could both die tomorrow, so we need to find what makes us happy now. And being happy now is probably the best way to find the clear head-space needed to figure out what you’d like to do with your life later.
If you’re free enough of debt and it’s possible, try out workaway.org or helpx and volunteer somewhere far away. That’d be a pretty sweet thing.
Find a skill that interests you and pursue it in your free time. Learn a language. Try out a new sport. Learn to build chairs.
You’ve got so much time to have things fall in to place. Don’t listen to the criticism of others. Others will criticize you no matter what you do. That friend has bad things to say about you straying from the straight and narrow, but others will have bad things to say about following the straight and narrow.
Listen to yourself.
At aged 47 and having lived about 100 years in that time I’ll tell you what I tell my Stepson and neices and nephews…’ Do whatever makes you happy ‘ that is THE most important thing. Life is looooonnnggg extraordinarily so and to keep going through the trials and changes and heartaches life will invariably bring you need that comfort… That reason. If you can take care of ‘ you’ emotionally the rest will follow… If you can’t then no matter what other success you have it will be meaningless. I wish I’d known this at a much younger age when I was following the rules and people pleasing. It’s not selfish to put your own happiness first.. It’s crucial because your unhappiness will affect everyone around you and everything you do…so do the responsible thing and follow your own happiness.
Shut out all the babel of society trying to scare you into conformity, and listen to your heart/gut/intuition and follow what it tells you. We are all being programmed to take the beaten path, because “what if you end up in a bad situation later on”. Well pardon my french, but fuck that. If you feel like working some easy job for a while and improving your MC-skills then do it. Do what makes you happy at the moment, you can always change course later if you feel like it. That is what I do, or rather try to do, because it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it……