Too late? What am I doing?

 Christopher (@handypro) 7 years, 10 months ago

I am a 23 year old halfsie guy (half Japanese, half caucasian from the US) living in Ohio trying to figure out my life. I almost feel like I’m just barely too old to really focus in on one thing in my life and master it at this point. I am in the US Army Reserves and am about to deploy overseas for 10-12 months. I have one month left before I take off. I came to this realization of wanting to better myself, to really put my all into something and move forward with my life. This whole situation with the deployment is setting me back an entire year. By the time I get back from my deployment, I will be 24 going on 25 with no degree and potentially still no true passion for anything. I am a student at OSU but have had much difficulty in finishing my degree due to the Army taking me away for certain time periods throughout the school year. I feel like I don’t really have passion or drive towards anything and I am behind in every aspect that I should be further in. I don’t really have one thing that I am a master at. I want that drive, that push to make myself want one thing more than anything else but I am unable to find that one thing that I can be passionate about. It’s almost like I have too many things that I “kind of like” or things that I enjoy or am comfortable with but nothing that I can say I am dominant in or that I love dearly. I want to travel, experience new cultures. That’s always been my dream but how do I go about that? I have lived in Japan and have been to Italy once through the Army but I want to do more. This is one thing I know I will want to do for sure. My major is International Studies due to this yearning for travel and seeing our beautiful planet for all that it is. I’ve also wanted to become a history teacher but have since given up on that dream. I have some reckless behaviors that keep me from reaching my ultimate goals that I set for myself. It tends to happen often.
About two years ago, the one girl in my life that I never really got over re-entered my life. She is one of my examples of my own reckless behavior towards myself, keeping me from potentially getting further in my own life. She currently identifies herself as gay. We had been together in high school but we had only dated for half a year or so. After me, she came out and has been dating girls ever since. I dated another girl after her and was with this new one for about four years until a couple years ago. My life was in shambles and she came into my life again and picked up the pieces, helped me get me back on my feet and we’ve been really close since then. She has been with her current girlfriend for a little over two years at this point, however they constantly have issues. They are polar opposites. Since we’ve become close again, we have had “relations.” We’ve had conversations about potentially eventually getting back together and potentially getting married.. How it’s always been in both of our minds.. But it’s not now. She still identifies herself as gay but she says she feels an attraction towards me like none other. That I am the only man that she feels this towards. We have both been very big part of each other’s lives. We are best friends and now live together. I am afraid that I am in love with this girl once again. She was the one that got away.. The one girl that I would do anything for just to make her smile. But the problem arises once again.. She identifies herself as gay. How does this work? I am reserving myself for her.. But she’s in a relationship. This makes no sense. I am only hurting myself and my potential for getting further in life. I just don’t know what to do. Do I finally try to let this go? Am I being led on to something that likely will not happen? We’ve always had this weird attraction that has always brought us back together regardless of who we’re with at the time. I hear these stories about best friends getting married and how it’s the best way to go about life.. but does this even apply to that? I don’t want to lose her in any way. She is my best friend and I enjoy her company above all.. but at the same time, I constantly find myself falling for her and wanting her more than just as a best friend. Is it even possible for me to just be friends with her forever?
I just feel like this has been part of what has been hindering me in a way over the last couple of years. I have had so much time to become more social, to get out and learn more, to go after whatever I deemed to be passionate about.. I was in that relationship for four years and it wasn’t healthy. I was stuck and wasn’t putting myself out there. Once again, I am in that same situation. I am not able to put myself out there because I feel as though I need to reserve myself for this girl that I feel is the one for me. I just need to figure out so much I feel like and I don’t have enough time.

How do I go about this? How can I find my drive, my passion and figure out what is keeping me from it? Is it her? Do I need to separate myself? I am trying to use this year away to try to figure myself out.. Maybe to somehow find my own passion and to really figure out if these feelings I have for her are real, are true.

December 4, 2013 at 10:54 pm
see-saw (0) (@see-saw) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Wtf, she sounds totally messed up and seems like she’s just using you. Your feelings are true, otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling them, and the fact that she just callously ignores them and has a relationship with another girl is just a total slap in the face to you. You feelings are precious, and should absolutely be appreciated and respected. If you guys were just friends, then whatever, but anything beyond that is a whole different story. She needs to figure out herself and stop wasting your time! Ask her for a straight answer. If she can’t give you one, she’s just leading you on. You need to cut the cord. Protect yourself, pursue your awesome life, and don’t settle for anything less than someone who can reciprocate what you deserve. And from my perspective, she is totally NOT the one for you. Someone who loves and appreciates you would NOT tell you they have ‘feelings’ and then turn around and have a relationship with someone else. I think you need to treat yourself better.

As for finding your passion, try different things but set goals. I think it’s important to think about what you really want out of life, maybe your values, before you put yourself ‘out there’. But I think it’s also important to think about the long term. I see a lot of old people having to scrape by or forced to work because they didn’t properly plan their finances and now live in near poverty. I know I sound totally Asian, and probably like your mom or something, but protect your feelings, protect your assets, and find good mentors!

Mickey (0) (@13ram4fish) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Shes keeping you as a Plan B just in case things with her girlfriend end up being unfixable. I agree with see-saw shes just using you. As for finding your hearts true passion im actually have the same problem. This friend of yours definitly sounds like shes holding you back and taking enough of your attention away from finding what venture you want to pursue.

Good luck

see-saw (0) (@see-saw) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Yeah, I had the same problem as well, finding my ‘passion’. Then I entered into a relationship because I thought he was ‘the one’ and couldn’t see myself with anyone else. After 3 years of pain, suffering, and getting completely burned, I look back and see it was a complete waste of time. This girl…STAY AWAY!

Christopher (0) (@handypro) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Thank you so much for your responses. It definitely makes me think.. a lot. I can’t disagree with any of what you’re saying. I think I KNOW what I need to do.. what is right and what is wrong. I know this isn’t healthy for me.. but I’m just so hung up on her that I keep making the wrong decisions for myself. What you have said certainly has changed my views some more. I have decided to do all in my power to get over her. I need to somehow quit thinking of her romantically and see her in a different light. I’ve lost friends and opportunities over her. It’s about time I started thinking about myself. Thank you very much.

Anonymous (16) (@) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

I know you already got a handful of replies, but I just wanna add my two cents.

Like the others have said, it doesn’t seem like you should pursue the relationship any further. If she was confident about her love for you, her sexual orientation wouldn’t be that big of a deal. I feel as though the fact that she isn’t willing to leave her current unstable relationship for you says quite a bit. Maybe it’s better to just to move on, and just keep your relationship with one another a friendship. It seems like what you’re really yearning for is just some new experiences, getting to know yourself better by living life how you want to live it.

As far as passions go, what do you want to be better at? What interests you, inspires you? Choose a thing or two and really throw yourself at it, learn more about it. Make goals for yourself, whether they be big or small. Take a few of the things you’ve dabbled in and really focus on them.
Why not take a shot at it and go traveling somewhere before your deployment? Hitchhike to a destination, or without a predetermined destination. Maybe while you’re deployed you can save some money, use the time to plan out an adventure, and relish in it when you get back ?

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