Hi everyone, it’s my first post, but I’ve been reading HE for a month or two, and wish to say thanks to all people that share their experiences and the ones that answers and try to help the ones that need it.
I’m 22yo, finishing my degree (college?) in law (laws?). I live only with my mother, my dad passed away 6 years ago by cancer and my brother and sisters are all married and living in near cities. I am in a relationship for 2 years with a really nice girl, who have tons of patience to handle me, (and I still manage to fuck up, arguing, making her cry, etc.), and have 2 friends that are the only ones that I can keep a conversation more or less normal. My problem begun about 4 years ago. I was an easygoing person, I used to like to have people around me, talking, laughing, skateboarding and etc.
But somewhere before finishing school (3ª year in Brazil, don’t know for you guys) I started to live in the dark, you know? Doing drugs (cocaine, acid, mdma, cigarettes, weed), drinking whisky and vodka almost everyday, cutting myself, not being friendly anymore and being all weird and not feeling confortable with myself and the ones around me, having angry issues and fighting for no reason. Some people I talk about it says that maybe it’s related to my father’s death, lack of father-figure of reference, which can justify my lack of confidence lately (wasn’t like that years ago…I’ve changed).
I believe a little bit in this, but it’s not like we were really close, more like strangers living in the same house, I believe we had like two “father and son talking”, about studying and when I almost get my ex-gf pregnant (I used to skip school to be with her, reading Stephen King, listening to music, eating, having sex with no protection, etc).
Anyway, I am kinda lost here, and maybe will be hard to comprehend what I’m trying to say,about the weirdness, angry and that thing that I believe it’s becoming social anxiety, when I can’t concentrate in what other people are saying, my head goes like “What should I do man? Look in their eyes? Look to the ground? Smoke a cigarette?”, feeling like I’m am retarded doing all my thing in slow motion, my voice sounds weird , and I am not even fun anymore.
And I feel like this 90% of the time, even when I’m walking alone and nobody knows me around. Actually, even when I’m trying to sleep. It drains all my energy and those that try having a conversation with me, and I feel it, you know? I can see the problem, but I can’t help it.
ps: English it’s not my main language
ps2: Meditating it’s not my thing, I would like some pratical advice, if possible…
The practical advice would be to see a therapist, psychologist, counselor, or life coach. Or better yet, is there somebody who loves you and that you trust that you can talk to? I think those are the ideal outlets for the kind of help you are really looking for.
The last line in your post is what stands out to me. “I can see the problem, but I can’t help it.” In my opinion, this says to me that there is some subconscious reason why you don’t want to get better. And that’s what you should be looking for.
Maybe ask yourself some of the following questions:
How does having these problems benefit me?
How does staying in my current state of life benefit me?
What am I afraid of most by moving on?
If I were in your shoes, with the details you’ve given us, the reason why I would not want to help myself is because I am scared of admitting that where I am at in my life is my fault. And it will also be your “fault” when you get to where you want in life as well.
Humans are creators in life. The problem is that we go into “sleep” mode or autopilot, and we do what we have trained ourselves to do – our habits. And obviously, this life of darkness is your current autopilot program. And forcing yourself out of your autopilot state takes courage and will power. It really does. And it will feel uncomfortable because your body and mind have been TRAINED to be this negative. Your body and mind feel better when you’re in darkness because that’s what it thinks is normal now.
You have to find the emotional courage to understand that in order to become better, you’re going to have to fight against your dark ways and win battle after battle after battle. And then hopefully, one day, it’s not a battle anymore. Your lightness has taken over your body and mind.
The ultimate thing, in my opinion, it to love yourself for who you really are and allow yourself to be him.
I believe too that I went into this “autopilot”, and when I feel that I’m making it better, it feels like I’m not being myself at all.. And by saying this I know that sounds nonsense at all, but I think I have to learn to handle it, right?
I don’t have anyone to talk about, and this is probably the first time I am even talking about in a year or two.
About the last line, I believe that I’m struggling against it, like my smoking habit. I know it makes really bad to my health\mind and I want to stop, but at the same time it feels like it’s something about me, my personality, Idk. Maybe my mind it’s just operating at the wrong way, which often makes me feel like I’m bipolar (it’s one thing that my girlfriend complain about it, happens a lot). In one hand, I wanna help myself, and in the other, I’m kind of ” I don’t care at all”. Maybe it’s something about my ego. Anyway, thanks for the words!
Don’t beat yourself up! Trust me, it gets better! Right now you may not think that it can get better, but eventually it will. I am myself struggling with something similar and it’s very hard for me, but I know that it will pass.
I’d suggest seeing a therapist. A good therapist can really guide you on how to cope with this.
What I can also suggest is doing some of the challenges you can find on HE or some challenges you can think of by yourself. That’s what I started doing myself and I think it helps me a lot. It helped me before, it helps me now and it might help you too. :)
Challenge yourself! Try to escape your comfort zone, do something new, learn something new about yourself. It gets better!