Recently, I’ve read about depersonalization disorder. For the longest time, I was convinced I possessed some deeper insight than most other people and that the state of mind I entered into was special. Even though it is isolating and depressing, it seemed and still seems to me that I just know something unique.
I asked my psychologist about this strange sensation I get every now and again… where I feel a very intense connection to something or someone. I feel in that moment that I’m about to realize something amazing and terrifying, and if I accept it, I will die… maybe physically. I will at least never be the same again. She suggested that what I described was a panic attack. During a panic attack, one feels like they are going to die. Before this suggestion, I believed I was on the verge of ego death. The ego death explained in Buddhism that’s necessary to attain enlightenment. So, curious, I began a google search that led me to where I am now.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt that life is a dream, or a hallucination. When I was a little kid, I’d imagine that aliens had me hooked to machines to project the image of Earth directly into my brain. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I recognized reality as unstable and dream like after having intense lucid dreams. Now I’m 25, and I’ve felt for a while now that life is just like a virtual reality, and that we are all just organic machines with no control over our thoughts or actions.
This sounds to me, even writing it now… that I’m just more aware of the true nature of things. But instead of opening up and finding peace, I’ve become so isolated and closed off that I can’t even maintain eye contact without my eyes glazing over. Everything is shallow and fake. Everything is meaningless and I long to see REAL meaning. Life seems like it’s a game and everyone’s just playing along, they dress up their avatars and go through life trying to get the most points. I don’t want to play the game, I want out.
I can see that I’m not in control of my thoughts or even my words at times. Sometimes I look down at my body and it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. My reflection is always changing drastically in appearance. I know what I look like, but at the same time I have no real concept of what I look like. And I feel that I know absolutely nothing about anything.
Another disturbing thing I’ve encountered is the feeling that there is absolutely nothing that makes me an individual. All of the things I could argue that make me “me,” someone else possesses, too. So I understand that there is no “I” or “you” or anything. If there is no “REAL” driver in this vessel, aka a soul or independent will, then I can’t be an individual. This is what I believe ego death is. However, instead of making me feel a blissful connection and unity with all beings, it has served to further disconnect me from my body and leave me feeling distant and out of control.
I’ve read this disorder can be induced by a traumatic childhood, or by drug use. I’ve read it’s often linked to marijuana. It can be brought on by stress, as a part of an anxiety disorder. I meet all the criteria, though I haven’t smoked or used drugs in over 5 years.
Does anyone experience similar feelings? Do you see it as positive or negative? Any feedback into my own situation would be appreciated. I’m definitely going to talk with my psychologist about this and I now feel the need more than ever to get back into meditation. I’m still conflicted on whether or not this is spiritual progress or if this is my anxiety justifying itself. I’ve read that true ego death and enlightenment would be peaceful, not painful.
<div>Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Every book on this Earth to explain what we feel is written by man but the bible is the word of God and gives better explanation than “panic attacks and Marijuana” cuz I don’t experience those. Though most churches are corrupt and celebrating pagan festivals calling them Christian (christmas, easter, Sun-day worship) they also don’t know bible prophecies and actually don’t know the most important fact of the bible that helps us understand the rest of it. That actually our soul was in heaven BEFORE it was on this Earth. This Earth is a temporary prison for the sin we committed in heaven and that’s why we are stuck in this flesh facing a death penalty. This Earth is actually just another chance to recieve the truth when Christ comes a second time (which already happened), learn God’s love again, so we don’t sin in heaven again, and go back home to our original form as angels in heaven… the Children of God with our heavenly Father and Mother.</div><div></div><div>Phillipians 3:20-21 </div><div>Says our citizenship is in Heaven. ( you can only be a citizen of a place you are born in or lived in before.)</div><div></div><div>Proverbs 8:22-31</div><div>King Solomon the wisest man ever to live on this Earth said he was given birth before this Earth was created and at the time of the creation, rejoiced with God everyday in his presence.</div><div></div><div>Genesis 47:9</div><div>Jacob was 120 years old but didn’t say this was his age but called it the length of his pilgrimage. Meaning he is visiting this Earth coming from another place. </div><div></div><div>Ecclesiastes 12:7 </div><div>This chapter is about death and shows our body goes to the ground it came from and our spirit RETURNS to God who gave it. Which means it was with God before it was in this physical body. Where was it with God? In heaven.</div><div></div><div>There’s much more but this flesh is not our natural state. We are spiritual beings and that’s why we feel out of place and never can achieve 100% happiness in this Earth. </div><div></div><div>Feel free to email me at [email protected] </div><div>If this resignates with you. I wish you well.</div><div></div>
(Love the animals pic btw- great album)
I was wondering if you had any advice on how to get myself through this- I’ve been stuck in a derealised rut for months now, I feel it’s getting better but it’s still partially present. I’ve been trying to see the positive and the thing that helps me the most is to not sink into it but to rise up a bit, be kind, put on a front of generosity, warmth and happiness and I feel instantly better(just I can’t always maintain that).
i hope you’re well, sorry to bother you- just looking for some guidance.
all the best, Molly.
It’s only a disorder if we can’t participate in the physical world. If we can work on something tangible the mind can be as free as it wants.