I’ve always felt alone growing up, as if I’ve been missing something. I grew up living with this feeling that was as constant as my breathing. But for a short moment in my life, I found what was needed to fill in the other part of my spirit that was always empty. It started innocently enough, the moment like a fog, masking what was hidden behind the screen that was the future. I thought she was pretty, and when we first locked eyes, she smiled at me. My stomach fluttered. I stumbled to find words to speak to her, but I was tongue tied. Speaking to strangers was never a big deal to me before, but for some reason she was different, so I passed on by, probably without even smiling back. I spent that night thinking about her before I fell asleep, and she was in my dreams. I was alone, in the middle of a vast landscape. She passed me without acknowledging me. I didn’t chase her, I just watched her walk by.
The next say, she was there again. I said hello this time, and from there we began to fall in love. At least what I thought love was. The best conversations I’ve ever had were with her. We talked about anything, usually stupid things, but we laughed and smiled and enjoyed it. Sometimes we kissed. It wasn’t often, but it seemed to always be at the right moment. She made me happy.
But then…she was gone. Our casual routine was broken by her absence. At first, it was as if reality was no longer real. It was as if even more of my soul was taken by her leaving. To lose again what you found does that to you, I guess. I don’t know who to blame, and I don’t have the heart to think about it long enough to decide anyway. I don’t even know if there is anyone to blame. I just want to know if she was real. It’s been so long now that I’m almost convinced that she was just my imagination. But her kiss and her embrace was real when she was here. Maybe I should have told her I love her.