Wanna give some feedback on a relationship?

DaJetPlane (@lytning91) 9 years, 8 months ago

If you do, post here and I will post my situation. If no one posts, no harm no foul

May 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm
JustHer (26) (@staringatstars) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

fire away and shoot.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@staringatstars, Ok, so this is gonna be kinda long-winded but you get the first chance to read it. Stay as motivated as you can.

Ok, so she and I got together 3 1/2 years ago (I was a Junior in HS and she was a senior). I lived really far away from everyone and hardly ever got to see my friend outside of school because I couldn’t afford to just drive 40 minutes into town whenever I felt like it.

Anyway, as a younger kid and even through high school I always prided myself on being more ‘deep’ (for lack of a better word) than most around me. I saw the relationships people carried along around me and just dismissed them as false. I was looking for the real deal and I always placed a lot of thought into the person that I thought I might try to date. I tried to date two of my best female friend within a span of about 5 years, if that is any indication of the closeness I sought before i really took a dive.

Then one day, everything kinda changed. I went with a friend of mine to another school’s winter formal and his gf’s best friend needed a date. I said, sure, I’d go (I wasn’t even the first one recommended, but I was the 2nd and was available). I expected nothing short of going to a school dance, dancing (I enjoy it and actually can), and just having a decent night.

The girl and I exploded man. We were hooked on one another with absolutely no justification. From the moment we went to pre-dance dinner we were just constantly talking and becoming more and more affectionate (not like, shallow sexual but like soft touch and genuine flirtation). By the end of the night it felt like we had been dating forever. We started a week after a blind date.

Now, fast forward to my arrival in college: I start actually living with people I have met in college and she lives with her group over in another area. She doesn’t want to move in and doesn’t like the people I am now friends with (without ever having met them, I might add). We start only hanging out for sex and when we feel guilty or lonely. We get more and more distant and now, after 3 1/2 years, we are officially broken up.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the reason that we never saw our differences coming was because we were so caught up in the moment that we never noticed we had nothing in common. Now, today, we broke it off officially and I am left wondering if I will ever get it back. I mean, I have this strange mix of I don’t care and I do care. We grew apart so much that when we finally said it, I was hardly even phased by it. I don’t think I’m in denial either, but that it was so obvious we needed to break it off that I was just ready to sign and move on.

I have no issue being friends with her still, nor does she me, but I really do wonder…since we were never friends, and since we have already tried dating and failed…is there really a point to trying to get the friendship we never had…or is it obvious that, since we broke it off, that being friends now wouldn’t work/we can’t be friends in the first place (like friends that turn into more, not just ‘friends’).

Restated: Since we went straight to serious, skipping friends, will it matter to our future if we try to get that middle ground we missed, or is the cause a lost one?

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JustHer (26) (@staringatstars) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@lytning91 life is just one big equation in a sense plugging in different numbers and variables so in a sense its like trying everything first to see what fits and then going from there to make an even better equation. Just because you guys dated does not mean that a friendship could never work, but all that is up to you my friend. My live experience have jaded me in certain areas, if it was a deep hurt then the person meant a lot and yet they did that to you so they must not feel as strongly as you do. but if it was more of a relieved feeling maybe it was the fact that your not meant for one another or you both are in a state of transition and saw a sparkle of what could have been when you dated and need to separate in order to grow. being friends would be fantastic just for the fact that you already know one another and hopefully can be honest with one another, but it also keeps the possibility of being a couple again open. i really just think that its because your both in college and leading different lives, but college doesn’t last forever and one day it might work and be the most amazing thing. things change for the worst, the better, the better to worst, the worst to better. if this person made you feel as if you were meant for each other then id say let her go and one day find her or remain friends either casually or like best friends do. Ive felt so alone my whole life even when surrounded by certain people as if they were all mere distractions but when you find a person your immediately drawn to and just feel the most intense feelings for them, it hard to let them go but worth it if they come back to you. “If you love something set it free, if they love you they will come back”. love is hard even when its easy, but live your life and do not regret any choice you make.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@staringatstars, you preach words of wisdom, my friend. I definitely think we will talk forever, if not a really long time. She and I have been through quite a bit and I’d be lying to say I didn’t love her in some form (and to a large degree). I saw the break up coming after a certain point, about 6 months ago or so…maybe a stray thought around a year. We just drifted really abruptly, and I know it’s because I just finally was able to become ‘me’ after years of being stifled.

She and I made it official today and we both agreed that we have to keep talking, but more that we just want to. We are going to hang out tomorrow, if that says anything. idk how that will go (I really am used to physical intimacy with her, so that’ll be awkward). Either way, I’mma always talk to her…may not hang as much, but it’s hard to tell for certain.

We are just going down different roads and we didn’t really take care when packing for the trips, so yeah i think you are on to something when you say “if they are meant for you, they’ll return some day.” Thanks for being a friend.

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Thinker1109 (0) (@mbsrosenberg) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

nah, man. Making connections with people is what life is all about. If you have some temptations or wonders of being friends with this girl, you should definitely try it out. Worst comes to worse you lose contact and stop being friends. Another gained, another lost. Stuff happens in the world and ten years from now you might run into her because she gets married to your buddy from work. The world will keep on turning if you stop being friends.

worse things have happened to the human race :)

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JustHer (26) (@staringatstars) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@lytning91 love is not easy is hard when it hits and when it falls but it is worth it. you never truly know with these things but for the most part one does or a few percentage of people. i hope all goes well for you and her.

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Thinker1109 (0) (@mbsrosenberg) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

nah man.* [I] don’t know why I put that comma there. That doesn’t make any sense. My apologies.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@staringatstars, I forgot to mention this I think: she grew up raised to be very conservative and narrow-minded as a result. She was forced to attend church and I was always told, even as a kid, that it was my choice to decide and that I could believe what I felt was right. Never really forced into anything.

I feel like now that I think about it, she and I are just two different people…and when she met me she tried to become another person that she just couldn’t fully be, as well as me accepting of something I could never really accept.

This is just one of the many things

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@mbsrosenberg, I feel you. I got my head up, I just wonder about things and always appreciate a fresh perspective

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Bryan Hellard (307)M (@xyver) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@lytning91, I think that you could try for the friendship. Perhaps, after getting to know her that way, you would reignite and spend time together again.

Not something to rely on, but it’s one thing that the future would hold.

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JustHer (26) (@staringatstars) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@lytning91 she may have been raised that way but that does not mean that is who she is. Most of how your raised just plays into habit. You learn what not to say or do to make your parents mad or vice versa. It might take her longer to realize her potential, but then again maybe she is suited for her upbringing. never give up on introducing ideas to her, maybe you saw a spark of what she could be like when she was with you rather than that being a mask put on for you.

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Nicky (0) (@nickytoler) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six and a half months, but when we first started talking, we had this connection. He didn’t ask me to be his lady until about two weeks later, but we hit it off right away and acted like we were together before we even were. He is my best friend though. You have to have some kind of similarity with someone in order for a relationship to work. So take a step back, be friends, and maybe things will work out. Unless you have absolutely nothing in common. At all.

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