Wanting to be 'Great' in my Career? Ego? Help me out

 marcus anderson (@[email protected])7 years, 7 months ago

Hey guys I really need your help. University is starting in a couple of weeks and Im unsure of what to study. I have taken a few personality tests and they tell me I am an INTP and ISTP, initially the test gave me the type INTP but as I kept doing it evaluating my choices and doing it again occasionally it came up with ISTP. Pershaps I am an IXTP.

About me, I have always been a reserved guy around the public, (girls) trying to keep a cool demeanour really. Only when I was with my friends Id would be a joker, talking a lot of sh*t, as my friends will call it. Perhaps because I can be quite witty sometimes. I never had many friends just a few deep friends. Only had those appreciation conversations with those deep friends when I was drunk. At school I was an average student, perhaps with the potential to do good, but I was really lazy, mostly worried about teenage stuff and not studying hard. INTP states that they are good at math but found math challenging. I mostly got 50-60% on the tests and fails. At 15 years old I decided I wanted to become an Engineer, because they create things and make a lot of money. I was not very good at physics aswell, I didnt naturally get it. Tbh the only easy subject for me was English Literature, writing, creative writing, essay writing, critically thinking, themes, ideas, static drawing. I got 85% – 95% in my writing for English Lit. I have never read a book in my life. I always crammed for exams for all my subjects and gained high marks mostly for English Lit. Fresh out of school I tried to go to uni, went into a conjoint degree in Law and Science, taking English literature, math pre calc, physics, and computer science. I did not know what I was doing really. I feel I chose Law and science just for the prestige, (Science to lead to engineering). I wanted to sound smart. I didnt realize how much reading was required in Law. I dropped out and failed everything. I barley tried I couldnt even make friends with people at Uni during the course because I was failing. 2 years later I am back thinking to get back into Uni.

For the past 2 years staying home into a lot of addictive behaviour. Adult sites I mean. I partied with my friends like a whole year, but through out the week I felt like shit because I wasn’t doing anything with my life. I tended to delve into alot of philosophical questions, especially Is God real? Does he exist? Evolution? I really enjoy these questions. And for some reason I felt like these philosophical questions were more important than finding a career, I felt that the *Truth* meant everything. That once I found it than I could move on to my career. For the past 2 months I havent even seen my friends anymore, I eventually stopped hanging with them thinking that finding my career is more important. Which I still believe is, and I think i can just talk to them later when Im stable.

Personality wise for some reason I hold my self in high esteem. I want to be the best, at least amongst my family. I want to be the wisest and know ‘the way’. In arguments with my family members I tend win. And mostly I stick to my guns, but i believe in Truth/Understanding so if I am embarrassingly proven wrong and i realize it , I acknowledge that i was wrong. I think my dilemma could be from my reading online about great people, It may stem to the idea of being ‘Great’, which could also stem from the idea of being Utilitarian because of humans finite time on earth, which could stem to the idea that i agnostic-ally believe ‘God does not exist, thus my Scientific or Intellectually or Utilitarian or Narcissistic or Self Righteous or Greatness-Seeking purpose of life/Human Civilization will to be ‘Of use’ to the world, bringing about change. I used to think Law would change the world but I became twisted with the ideas of a corrupt money hungry government and humans nature for control i turned to the much more Utilitarian use of Science and Engineering. (something i thought i was going to be). I believe that Science is the only way to save the world, materially. and if you are a materialist Scientist that is the only way to save the world. I seem to be interested in Popular science, the future of science, some even pseudo-science. Recently, in my head from trying to find a way to be Great or further the human race, I watched a video on Human Genetic Engineering. Manually fast forwarding evolution.I guess being great comes down to leaving a mark on the world, when you are unsure of an afterlife.

My main concern really even though holding Science in high esteem as the only way, is I am not naturally good at Physics and Math, i never hard as for math and physics, I guess i think my not natural talent will not take me to be able to be a great engineer or a great biomedical engineer or genetic engineer. and I am thinking about natural talent in things.. I am better at English Literature, creative writing (i got 95% for this), essay writing. I also found art easy. Its like my strengths point towards the humanities and creative arts, but with money low in those areas and my new Scientific worldview, it seems not important enough to pursue an English major. Now I am thinking of law because its more bigger and more english orientated. I just wish I was like amazing at math and physics or biology. But I may not be a witty speaker

Another interest is looking into Sustainable living. Mostly for cheap living so I can save money. Earthships, tiny homes, buying land, building your own home, green house, growing your own food, all while in residential urban city areas lol (fuck the council). This is what I want to invest in.

I only want to hang out with friends when I have my career worked out…perhaps I am Ambiverted.

I took a logical/math online test and took like 4 hours to do like 21 questions!! the logical/math test gave me an IQ of 113, I scored i think 125+ (cant remember) in another IQ test.

I still reckon science will save the world but Im afraid that if naturally im not a scientist ill fail physics, math, bio and engineering miserably. So i dont know, perhaps a Science journalist?? Techincal writer for a Science/Engineering??

Any IXTP’s here or AXTP’s here not naturally good at math and physics?
Could i learn to succeed at Physics or biology and become a great scientist or should i just not bother because working hard can only get you so far? Should I just become a electrician/builder?
Do I sound like an INTP????

Idk, this is long, but Fuck….I am so in a rut. Have been for 2 years…I look at all possibilities even if they are far fetched….man if a anyone can help?….that will be awesome….I hope :)

February 11, 2014 at 9:04 am
Anonymous (175) (@) 7 years, 7 months ago ago

MBTI is bullshit, designed to oppress people like most of psychology.

That said, do what gives you joy, even if it’s not your life passion per se.

I scored INTP in a few tests, but then I think if true (as said it’s BS in reality/actuality) I’m an atypical one. I like social encounters, hate hard sciences and like to party/hang out.

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marcus anderson (0) (@[email protected]) 7 years, 7 months ago ago

Really? try it again haha…but man thats interesting. Perhaps my seclusion from people, from leaving school turned me into an introvert….
I like to party to, as in get drunk and find girls haha, hang out as in play some basketball.
My pride in wanting to be something great even if it is something i am in essence not, is whats fucking me up. I mean I was only good at english, useless old english…

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