We connected amazingly, but she has a boyfriend!

Dimitris (@cubilone) 9 years, 10 months ago

You people that have reserved HE as a forum exclusively for higher-minded ideas and discussion, I beg your pardon in advance. My issue is much more carnal and down-to-earth.

It has happened to most of us. Yesterday I went out with a girl which I’ve been talking to since I met her through a friend. We hit it off right from the start, went to a play, for a couple of beers and then stayed out sitting on a bench for six hours just talking about everything. Our connection was amazing and I really like her too. At some point, I had to get it out: “Do you actually have a boyfriend, or are you lying on facebook? Cause I can’t see how he’d be comfortable if he knew we’re spending so much time together like this!”
Turns out that of course she does have a boyfriend and they’ve been together for 2.5 years. She added that she wouldn’t allow him to limit her like that, if he had a problem with her going out with friends until late, that is, and that there’s a certain amount of trust between them. She admitted that she could see herself staying with him for a long time if it wasn’t for the sex, which has become worse and boring (we went on to talk about sex for another couple of hours, agreeing on every point. She’d be a perfect HEthen but unfortunately her English isn’t up to par for her to remain interested). There was a lot of friendly touching too and the kind of tension which implies that a kiss could be in order. But I didn’t go for it out of respect for her relationship and her choice.

So, what do I do? She is not someone I’d like to go to bed with just for a night, even if I did normally have one night stands. I’m seriously afraid that this whole situation might have me falling in love with her pretty soon. Part of me wants to respect her choices and can see how horrible it would be being in the position of the guy, if someone out of nowhere made his appearance as I could. But of course, another part of me wants to go for it — she explicitly mentioned yesterday that her relationship wouldn’t constrain her if she met someone really special, which of course made the dilemma even bigger.

Virtue ethics or relativism, guys? :P

July 12, 2012 at 11:59 am
Grand Kahlib (76) (@kahlib) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

If her sex life is shit, ANd she told you about it, then your chances can’t be that bad. It sounds to me like she’s ready to be stolen away. “All is fair in love and war.”

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Shaman Moe (7) (@moekanz) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@kahlib, All is NOT fair in love and war sir. Especially THAT. Imagine being on the other end of that deal? would you still say all is fair in love and war if some D bag was tryna steal your woman?
( @cubilone) If she wants you, she will leave the man she is with now.

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yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, 1) if she is already touchy feely, and going out with an almost stranger like this after being commited for 2.5 year, you have to ask yourself: if you do take her away, would you be ok with her doing the same thing to other guys? She may not be a cheater, but she obviously has a set of morals on how a relationship should be and she doesnt like guidelines. Just be ready for that. and 2) dont be a dick. Never be the guy that breaks up a relationship. Just dont do it. Stay friends with her, and if down the line she breaks up with him over her own accord, then make your move.

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Dimitris (27) (@cubilone) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@yoinkie & @salvador: I don’t want to be that guy. I should have made it more obvious. If I did, I would have definitely made my move yesterday. Everything was so right… I respect their relationship and wouldn’t want to spoil anything. On the other hand, when she comes out to me like this, I have this mild impression that she wants her relationship to be spoiled by the right person… like @kahlib is saying. You know, I’m trying to decide if the right course of action would be to be patient and observe and let things take their course, or follow her lead. For I do think there’s something going on here. And @yoinkie, I guess I wouldn’t be okay with her doing the same thing to other guys, but I think that belongs to that other thread in which we discuss about our observed social constructions. I can’t know if she does this kind of thing all the time or just with me, of course.

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Jace (4) (@jacesk8ter123) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

http://www.mindfulmuscleblog.com/heart-has-consciousness/ read this and you’ll realize that a pure connection with anyone one is possible. Labels shouldn’t matter if the connection does. who knows you might have the same connection with her boyfriend just without the flirtatious/sexual hint.

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yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, you have to remember that infatuation is a strong and powerful feeling. Many people feel a strong connection to people they dont know all that well, because everything is so fresh and so new. “I have this mild impression that she wants her relationship to be spoiled by the right person”- you could have easily miscontrued that feeling for infatuation. Just be careful, man, breaking up a relationship, no matter how much it may be struggling, is just bad karma. Be the friend until she tells you that they broke up.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

A woman shares with a complete stranger that the sex with her boyfriend for 2.5 years sucks? You must be fucking desperate.

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c0ndu17 (14) (@c0ndu17) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, my opinion, Walk away. I agree with @yoinkie, if she can do it to the current guy, there is without a doubt a dramatically higher probability she will do it to you. And even if she doesnt, that doubt will always be there, and the trust wont be.

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creds (36) (@creds) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

She loves her boyfriend. It’s obvious. You’re just a pawn in her unconscious game to have a feeling of havong options, like a spread of risk if we talk trading. And that she only needed for a day/short period, and you were the perfect victim.

If any, you can be good friends. A friend she calls when her bf is out late or doing anything that makes her insecure. Then you talk for a couple hours before she goes home for make up sex.

So, what to do? Well, id say try to tap that before you become friends. Aften that It’s unethical.

And ofc, it’s only my opinion.

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C3 (20) (@thenameless) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

I was in a similar situation. I agree with @Yoinkie

I personally find it annoying when girls do that. I hung out with this girl at school last semester almost everyday, and I had feelings for her for a long time. But it never went anywhere, she was in a relationship with some guy from high school, but they didn’t go to the same school. She went to my school, and he doesn’t go to school(which means he doesn’t get out much, to anywhere where he would meet some new girls).

This girl sounds similar, she liked to be playful, she seemed really flirtatious with me, and she would be playful with other people too at times. She said the same thing, she doesn’t like for a boyfriend to mean she has to have limitations. I don’t know how the hell she keeps him while being a freshman at a university, she could easily leave him for her temptations and have someone new for once. Shes dated this guy before, but they didn’t work out those times because they weren’t ready for another(she says), but now they are in a serious relationship.

I don’t think shes playing you. I think she legit enjoys your company and having conversations with you, but thats about as far as its going to go. So just take it for what it is.

Don’t do what I did man, I kept holding on hoping they wouldn’t work out so that I could gt with her, and it didn’t work. She wouldn’t budge an inch. Shes obviously really dedicated to him. I finally said “fuck it” because I realized there was no point in having feelings for her anymore, since they weren’t getting me anywhere and never would.

Don’t get hung up on her, because most likely something won’t happen. We went to a concert together, and she was dressed all sexy, and I feel like we sort of bonded to a new level there, and the whole time I wanted to put my arm around her, but I knew I couldn’t. Its fucking sucks man.

Girls choose. Remember that. There’s nothing you can do to influence her feelings to favor you more. I was in a cycle like you for awhile, trying to get with girls, and looking for a relationship. It doesn’t work. The best thing you can do is be aloof, and focus on yourself, not only will this boost your confidence, but in time a good girl will come to you when you are ready. Until then, you have to let them come to you, and not make any advances.

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Dimitris (27) (@cubilone) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@jacesk8ter123, very interesting. Enormous implications. Too enormous for me to consider at this point and relate to the discussion.

@yoinkie I have met a lot of girls in the two years since I broke up with my last relationship. I haven’t felt a connection with any of them as strong as it was yesterday. Take it as you will. Still, bad karma it is.

@beyond Yes, I am desperate, in the sense that I like her, haven’t had sex for a long time and have been really looking for someone that I might connect to. It’s getting harder and harder.

@c0ndu17 I don’t see why it should be that she might do it to me just because she’s ready to do it for another guy. Not only that; if she wasn’t ready to dump a boyfriend who hasn’t made her feel excited in a long time, would that somehow make her a better person? I can see how why she might feel that way, it happened to me as well with an ex I loved and still love (as a friend, not in the erotic sense). I mean, if we were together and the sex wasn’t good anymore, perhaps she SHOULD leave.The mere fact that she MIGHT be willing to do it (remember, she only said so) is no indication of anything. I don’t want to marry her, anyway. :P

@creds I kind of lost you there… it’s unethical only before we become friends? Your version of reality is depressing, I must say.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, Why don’t you look at it this way, you connected with her, then it will be easier to connect with someone else? Or you can fight for her and wait an unknown period of time for her to break up with her boyfriend. But again, you gotta be certain if you weren’t both just using each other to have a nice evening together. And I surely doubt she’s much of a great person if she doesn’t respect her boyfriend’s privacy, if she told you that the sex they have sucks, at least he should have been present to hear it. That makes me think she’s a dumb bitch who doesn’t know what she wants and you were there to distract her.

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Dimitris (27) (@cubilone) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@thenameless I can see where you’re coming from. But why would our respective cases choose to act this way? Do they really want someone to talk to or is it like @creds is saying?

She definitely knows I like her. I found her on facebook and added her and we’ve been talking, sending longish message for more than a month. She’s not a complete stranger, then. Why would she tell me those things?

Believe me, I’ve been aloof. Sometimes I wonder if I have been too aloof and too satisfied with being on my own, trying to find someone really special and not settling for less… But really, what do you mean that the girls have to come to me? I bet a lot of people would say that, judging from her behaviour yesterday, the ball is in my court. That could be her advance, you know? In this twisted way many girls choose to act.

Having hopes that it won’t work out for them is in many ways wrong and is beneath me. At least, I feel as if it should be beneath me!

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C3 (20) (@thenameless) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

Dude, never stop being true to yourself. If you ever change yourself for the person you are dating, it gets you in the ass later. It’s happened to me, I’ve seen it happen to friends of mine, and I’ve LOST friends of mine because of that. Thats what I mean by being satisfied with yourself, and not getting depressed over girls.

I guess she trusts you, but still, don’t get hung up on it. I waited for an unknown time for this girl and it never happened. I don’t think its wrong of you to come between their relationship, but if she chooses you over him, then thats her choice. It isn’t unethical if she chooses you.

Just enjoy it for what it is right now, and keep having your deep conversations. I had a lot of deep conversations with this girl who was dating friend A, and then when they broke up, I was stupid enough to try and take a chance with her, and then she ended up going out with friend B not much long after because she had feelings for him even as she was still with friend A. Now it seems I can’t be friends with her, even though shes dating my best friend, she doesn’t trust me, just because she knows I liked her when she was single, and thinks that Im trying to get with her every time I talk to her now.

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anniec (29) (@anniec) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

Don’t confuse lust with love, yes you have a connection, a strong attraction, but it’s likely to be driven by lust. You are ,talking about sex, and her letting you know , she’s not been fulfilled by her boyfriend is enough to add to an overwhelming desire you think is’ real deal’ Maybe it is .However,, she isn’t acting very honourable- she’s giving you all the wrong signals for a person who isn’t available, and that’s without the unsavoury mentioning of her intimate relationship with her current partner. As she herself has indicated, she’s bored and you are an attractive distraction. At the moment, you don’t really have any options.; She’s involved with someone else. It’s up to her to change this, if things are going to develop between you. Until then, create some space between you and focus on other interests.

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creds (36) (@creds) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, Yes, I’m sorry for being straight forward. I understand my point may have been confusing, I was very tired when I composed my reply.

What I meant to say is: When you have become friends It’s unethical to try to split her relationship in any way. That is because it’s hard to distinguish your ego feelings (you want her) from what would be best for her (perhaps staying in the relationship). And for friends I really think that one should make decisions that are best for the friend, which will be hard in an asymmetrical inter-gender relationship.

I would also like to say that I really hope I’m wrong. Wish you all the best, and perhaps you’re her knight in shiny armor coming to rescue… her sex life, evidently. Just messing with you. Anyways, good luck!

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Anonymous (17) (@) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

@cubilone, Ahhh.
By saying that you haven’t had sex for a while and you’re LOOKING for someone to connect to, it almost shows that you do what is common for abstinent seekers: you’ve subconsciously lowered your standards…

I haven’t been alive long enough to know what it’s like to be single for a long time and all that, but I do know that when you go out looking for something, your idea for that something starts to change over time. You start out looking for A but A is nowhere to be found and you’re like B isn’t even that bad, so you go out looking for B but same thing with B, so then to C and all that stuff.

I mean… Maybe your feelings about her are correct and how could we say we know her when we have not met her…? But she’s obviously bored with the guy she has got and maybe she said some things to you that she regrets. But don’t take this too seriously. She might not have felt the “connection.”

I know a few boys who have felt a “connection” with me and I’m like “Psychological pick up lines are becoming more and more common.” It’s also a tendency in some females to suddenly see a “connection” when a male brings it up to them… Unless the guy is just extremely unappealing to them and they refuse to see any signs of a connection.

Either way, I wish you luck. But the comments on here seem to be very good and you should honestly consider them all.

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Madison (2) (@dammitmadison) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

You should definitely just see where things go. Don’t fool around with her but be there for her and if she continues to consistently show interest then it might happen. It’s really all up to her. She’s the one in the situation of being in a relationship but not really sure if she’s still happy in it. The fact that she was even talking about how bad her partner was in bed and discussed things she thinks is sexy and you were both agreeing then you can tell already that she’s definitely interested in at least the sex aspect of it. Also you haven’t known her long enough to see if you would actually like being in a relationship with her. You obviously find her sexually appealing which we can confuse with love. People can surprise you and she may turn out to be a completely different girl. This could also possibly turn into a cheating relationship where she gets her sexual desires out of you only to return to her plain boyfriend she’s afraid to leave. Just be yourself and see what she does. If she admits down the line that she has true feelings for you and breaks up with her boyfriend then I would STILL wait a while to make things serious. It might be an impulsive decision on her part she may later regret. She may also have been thinking about leaving him for a while and her feelings for you could finally make her say goodbye to him.

Just don’t let her pull on your heart strings. Some girls like male attention to make themselves feel good so she could just be talking crap about her boyfriend so that you’ll flirt with her and she can feel pretty. If she’s pulling you along for a WHILE then possibly bring it up and admit your feelings and if she says she wants to stay friends then you should respect it but tell her you only want to be friends. Unless you really enjoy the flirting. If she says “Oh, I totally would if I didn’t have a boyfriend.” then she’s messing with your emotions. Just see where fate takes you basically because there could be so many different things that could or could not happen haha.

Also try to introduce her to one of your friends who’s really good at reading people and they’ll be able to tell right away what kind of person she is. Those kind of friends are very valuable in situations like this.

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Madison (2) (@dammitmadison) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

If things even get that far lol.

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Just cause there is a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.

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Jaylen. (0) (@pandasamurai) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

in my opinion women can cheat more with their mind than they do with their bodies. if they let another man inside their head and this other guy can stimulate their mind in a way their significant other can’t…they’ve already won her over.

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TheKnottedPiper (116) (@theknottedpiper) 9 years, 10 months ago ago

My boyfriend stole me from some other dude. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life since we started dating 4 years ago :)
HOWEVER, with us it was not a flirty sex talk game, so I’m not saying everyone should go this route. I agree with everyone saying that it sounds more like lust. If you are really interested in her, then hang out with her more, but do NOT talk about sex and touch each other and that kind of thing. Sorry but it might be the only way to find out if you truly have emotional feelings for her (and her for you) and even if you do now, you might not later on if you get to know her more. If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t let yourself become her pawn. Girls can be MEAN and hide it really well.

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Anonymous (47) (@) 7 years, 11 months ago ago

If she is doing it to him, what makes you think she won’t do it to you later in life.?.
Karma.
She is one of many, go get yourself a better one.

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TheSeer (168)C (@drallarnnat) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

Exactly

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Universaldrifter (8) (@universaldrifter) 7 years, 11 months ago ago

I only read the first few replies but I gotta say from my experiences in the past It’s like this, you can be the nice guy and avoid going for it out of the other guys sake, or you can do what your gut is telling you which is to go for it. I do believe in karma but at the same time If you keep hesitating and not actually going for what you love then you will accomplish nothing. My views on this subject have changed greatly just in the past year. If you don’t go for what you want then you will never have it and you’ll probably make yourself miserable. Do what you feel man. You know the next guy trying to pick her up won’t hesitate when she says she’s unhappy with her man, She wants you to take that initiative.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 11 months ago ago

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