When I drink, I hear one clear, distinct, direct voice in my mind, as opposed to the 7 that invade me throughout the day, and it’s ridiculously refreshing! And then, I don’t really stop until some emotion becomes strong enough to make me need to leave.
On my walk back to my place, I stepped infront of an on-coming car, and then rethought my action. I stepped back.
I wanted to die so desperately.
Instead of a hangover, the next morning I usually feel stronger and able to bear the pain in my heart, even though I’d prefer to be cleansed.
The more interesting aspect of this is that, the fact that I stepped in front of an oncoming car doesn’t bother me. I know it happened bc I can remember it, but I dont FEEL like it happened. I imagine I should be startled by my drunken, honest behaviour, but I dont even blink an eye, as the saying goes. Although, I do remember making a fool of myself when I was speaking with the man I had come to have some genuine, nice feelings for. And I’m ashamed because of my unfiltered monologue, and ridiculously honest, transparent show of my thoughts and feelings for him. Disconnection, on point.
Anyhow, there’s no real need for me to write this, but I felt like sharing it. What does anyone think?
Feel free to write about your latest genuine understandings of yourselves if ya like. Not rationalisations, intellectual impressive insights, but something you understood from your gut.
Unfiltered monologues are the best! Sometimes they feel like the height of connection, if only your connection to yourself. We’re all wandering in questions so admitting disconnection together is like union.
What you say about drinking reminds me of this I read the other day “I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.” “- Charles Bukowski
I often get in such a trance while driving long distances that if I don’t have music on I kind of begin to fall in that subconscious space between being awake and sleeping. Then I’m snapped awake when I hear my car going over the bumpers and swerve back into the lane and scream what the fuck Anjelica!!! It’s a lovely time. Oh well, you know?
@anjelica I used to love my unfiltered monologues, but now I feel terribly exposed and hate it, because there’s so much suppressed pain and I feel I make it visible to others who otherwise have no idea about my personal, internal life and the disparity bw what I seem to be and what I actually am atm, and then there’s also the disparity bw what I am atm and who I truly am, by nature. Anyhow, also, that unfiltered monologue was witnessed by a man who I had budding emotions for, and it turned out he didn’t even know my name. He expressed frustration one time bc I never said hi to him when we met in social situations, and he doesn’t even know my name. Man…
But I remember when they felt like the height of connection to myself.
Bukowski’s comment is completely on point! I never heard somebody el se express it. The problem, however, id that he was a drunk. I feel the same way towards alcohol as a drunk. That’s nice news.
What happens whens you’re in that state, that trance?
Yea, sharing completely to just anyone can get you judged and hurt if you let it. I know what you mean how the inner world fluctuates. I value people who are flexible enough to embrace what feels true in the moment and not question when other perspectives dominate at some other moment.
Did you think that he knew who you were even though you never introduced yourself? If he was frustrated you expected him to know you, that seems like he valued your feelings rather than dismissing you.
I don’t drink very much, but I experience that feeling when I do any work that involves letting go of my attachment to my idea of myself. Accepting as much absurdity as I can as well as the challenge to be a self anyway… you don’t have to be an alcoholic to get raw.
When I feel trance-like, I feel like a blank slate with unexpressed infinite power, waiting.
Yeah, I appreciate those monologues as well.
Nah, he’s the chief sommelier at the restaurant I work. He’s used to people knowing him. He told me that on the night I showcased my emotions to him. After hearing this, I wailed my hands and sarcastically apologised. Made a fool of myself. It’s too early to laugh yet.
I’m trying to find a way to get raw sans alcohol. Or I’m reassessing the person I am when I’m drunk. I always thought that’s the real me, but it’s not, I’ve understood. It’s just some other version.
Mmmmmmmm, blank state, infinite power. That’s where it’s at. Minus the waiting.
When I drink it is not to excess anymore. Just enough liquor to keep clear thoughts. I grew up drinking so it’s more friendly to me than weed is. I do schoolwork better and I’m more creative. Although I can’t meditate when drunk or high, I get lots of creative ideas for meditations when drunk or high for the future.
I also know that I am a lot more aware when I drink then when I’m high.
I was at a party a few days ago, and ended up getting thrashed and trying to help everyone. Like telling them with teary eyes about how their lives are falling apart and trying to fix them. Warning them not to do too many drugs because they’ll end up like me. Begging them to not turn into their parents. It was really, really honest – and embarrassing as all hell, considering they’re quite happy with their lives, even if they don’t seem optimal to a person who’s not content with his own.
Honesty is overrated. Especially drunk honesty, since that rarely changes anything for the better.
Getting drunk is overrated as well. I do like how it silences the voice in my head, and how it makes it so that I only have one opinion on a given matter for the duration of being drunk. But it’s just so… pf. “Coffee from monday to thursday to keep you energized enough to keep working, and alcohol from friday to sunday to keep you stupid enough to not realize the trap you’re in” or something.
The last genuine understanding of myself that I realized was that no matter how I’ve turned my life around for the better, I still keep seeing my old faults in others. They’re my faults, not theirs, and I should just keep my mouth shut and let others make their own mistakes. Everyone has the right to waste their life – and on the other hand, “the time you enjoy wasting was not wasted”. Getting a chubby out of helping others is not honesty, it’s masturbation. Or something. Not literally, obviously.
I really should stop telling people what to do. Maybe.
It’s a nice post. Thanks for the opportunity for public reflection.
Alcohol is a tricky substance. Its very tricky. It can bring you up and down, swing you like a baby, crush you. I personally drink often, out of habit. It gets late, I get bored doing nothing, so I pour myself a drink. Sometimes if I get a good roll from it, I go over board and end up a bit sick in the morning.
The real issue I have with it is permanent damage. I often wonder if any cognitive abilities are going to degrade with a daily drink. That scares me. Alcoholism doesn’t, addiction doesn’t, but cognitive damage, yes.
I love it though. I love having 4, 5 drinks and staring at the stars, or listening to a song, or reading poetry or quotes. It brings out a deeper feeling in everything. Makes me appreciate stuff more. It removes the worry that I need or should be doing something a certain way, and lets me relax into myself.
Once, like you, I got drunk and did a foolish thing. I climbed onto a moving train, but on realization that it was a thursday night and I had to work in the morning, I started to panic not knowing where or when the train would stop. It was going around 60 miles an hour when I decided to jump off. After landing very, very harshly, I stood up. I knew I could have died. I knew my head could have flown off at any second there. I checked myself, looked around, all my limbs were ok except my pinky, which was completely fucked. The bones were all over the place.
And I called 911. And went to work the next day.