I don’t know who else to ask for help.
I’ve been working my way through crippling periods of depression and anxiety since 12th grade.
After high school, I moved to a big city far away from my friends and family, which didn’t help. For a long time I had to rely on myself, and took to the internet to learn as much about depression and anxiety as I could. For years, I tried hundreds of self-help methods looking for any relief. Yoga and meditation have stuck, but even with a daily practice I can only keep this heartbreaking feeling at bay for so long. I’ve tried pills and counselling, which seemed to help a lot, but I can’t always afford it. I do as much as I can for myself, but I can’t shake the feeling through my cloudy mind that I’m missing something really obvious.
I’ve never been a pessimistic person. I don’t believe on giving up on life, but hard as I try sometimes I just can’t grasp the point of it, and anxiety sets in. I know the importance behind self-love and being gentle with yourself, but sometimes the body in the mirror is a stranger and I can’t understand why anyone would want to be my friend when it’s such an effort to make friends with myself. Sometimes it’s a struggle to find my own value.
I feel like I am both a deeply spiritual and deeply lonely person. Websites like this are comforting, to know that I’m not the only one who sees that the way the world runs isn’t working. But in my day-to-day life, I haven’t yet met someone who thinks the same. I care for my friends, but sometimes I feel so different from them. I want deep conversations about the real important things in life, but when I try they don’t seem too interested. The conversation always comes back to whatever Kim Kardashian has been up to lately.
Depression is more and more common these days, and the stats tell me I’m not alone. Is there anyone out there who could share a story with me, or a piece of advice, or tell me what you do to comfort yourself when you feel this way? What works for you and what doesn’t? Lately, as hard as I try, sadness has been almost constant for me. It’s real physical pain. I just want to know I’m not alone.
Sometimes it helps me to see the sadness as one half of the whole, or the contrast to happy experiences, since they only exist in relation to each other. I know sometimes philosophical concepts like that are the last thing that are helpful, but other times they can be comforting when you’re feeling low.
Also I have noticed that the times I feel saddest usually precede periods of the most growth, because it provides fuel for making changes and seeking knowledge or new experiences. I have definitely felt my fair share of what you’re feeling and it sucks, in fact I am feeling pretty fucked right now myself, but if nothing else, it helps to realize it’s something we all feel and it doesn’t and can’t last forever.
I know this is long, but it’s valuable information!
I feel you. Here’s a story that might help you understand more:
It all started when my parents got a divorce when I was 12. I was extremely introverted as a result of my parents moving all the time and never giving me a chance to create deep relationships with people or get comfortable in my environment. My childhood before the divorce was perfect besides that. I was given shelter, food, love and pretty much all the necessities of life that a kid need. Anyways, I remember that I was extremely confused and pissed when my parents got a divorce. I became depressed and even more introverted.
After the divorce, my mom, who I lived with after the divorce, moved to a ghetto apartment in houston, which is where I lived during the time. She signed me up at this ghetto school where I was now the minority. Not only was I depressed, socially anxious and confused, but now I was in ANOTHER new environment where I was pretty much the only white kid in the school. After just two weeks I got jumped by 3 mexican and fortunately I won the fight. I got suspended and given a ticket and as a result became more anxious and extremely depressed. I went to my dads house to spend some time with him. We got in a fight and I broke out in tears and as a result he took me home to my mom.
A few days after, when it was time for me to go back to school, I just stayed in bed because I was so depressed and scared and confused that I just gave up on life. After that I became a “bum” and stayed home doing nothing but eating and sleeping. My mom started dating men at this time and I was pissed off about that too.
I’ll skip ahead a year and a half when my mom found a guy that she really liked, and which I could tolerate. They moved to a pretty nice house and life was looking good, for them. I was still depressed and anxious all the damn time. My mom decided that I should join the military, so I did. Surprisingly I made it through basic training and got stationed at fort campbell Kentucky. At this time I was 17. I’ll skip all of the details of my military career. I will say that I hated my time in the military because I was treated like shit as a result of my introverted personality. After 5 years and two deployments to afghanistan, I went awol because I couldn’t stand the atmosphere of the army any longer. I returned to fort hood ( my second station ) and got kicked out after a long and grueling process.
After I got kicked out I drove home to Colorado where my mom and step dad lived and moved in with them until I could get back on my feet and live on my own. I got a job at a windshield auto repair shop. It was a family owned business. The guy that owned the place was really nice, but his son was a dick head, and I had to work with his son. We constantly got in fights and I got fired after about half a year. I then got a job at a grocery store. I didn’t get along with anyone there because I am extremely introverted and never really talk or interact with people. I got fired from there after just 3 weeks.
I kept looking for a job but gave up after a couple weeks. I then became extremely depressed and extremely socially anxious and locked myself in my room for one and a half years. During this time I became suicidal and would try and work up the courage to kill myself almost everyday with no success obviously. I was consumed by negative thoughts and felt like nobody loved me, nobody cared for me, and nobody believed in my potential. I wouldn’t eat, drink or shower until it became unbearable. I would literally sleep until it was painful to be in bed, then I would get up and get on my computer and watch random youtube videos. I wouldn’t leave my room until everybody was in bed because I felt extreme shame when around people. I would cry all the time over everything. It got to a point where my mom told me that I have to go see a psychologist or someone. So she took me to the VA hospital and I began to see a social worker and psychiatrist once a week. They prescribed me prozac and I started to feel a little better.
After a month or two I got a job helping some old lady take care of her horses because she got back surgery. It was in the middle of winter and snowed a lot. I couldn’t make it one day, and she fired me and hired someone closer. I then became depressed again and just gave up on life once more, but it became normal for me to be living with my parents with no friends and no job, and I adjusted to it.
I am now still living with my parents, but thankfully I have learned to deal with my depression so that it doesn’t get out of hand. I still deal with major social anxiety as a result of being alone for so long. I am taking online college courses and doing work around the house to keep myself busy. I have been meditating and working out for about 2 years now and it’s helping substantially. Meditation is helping me learn how to let go of all of the negative bullshit from my past that keeps dragging me down and making my life more difficult. It is also helping me take back control of my mind and thus my life. I believe that I will soon have a stable life again. I am slowly progressing everyday back into the loving and confident person I was before all of the bullshit in my life took control of me.
A few points that I should make to answer your questions:
Life is what you make it. You are dealt a hand and are expected to make the most out of it. You can choose to let the challenges life throws at you to drag you down and destroy you, or build you up into a confident and successful individual. There is no other way to put it. Life can be a hole you dig or a mountain you climb.
I hope this helped you understand your situation more:)
I know my story was all over the place, but it shows you what has been clogging my mind and creating all of my anxiety and depression. After Climbing myself out of the hole I had dug in my mind, I realized that all of these memories where the main cause of my depression. I was sooooooo negative about everything that that’s all I could ever remember was the negative aspects of my life. Now that I realize this I have begun to slowly rid myself of negative mental tendencies. It’s all about staying positive and moving forward in little steps.
The most important thing to remember is that there are only two ways to view life, and that is negatively or positively. There is no neutral. I am extremely spiritual and a loner, as you can probably tell from my fragmented story, and I have always felt like a minority wherever I go. People seem to not care about the big questions, they seem to only care about what’s thrown at them from the media, and so it is hard to find friends that think about the deep philosophical questions of life and other similar things.
To comfort myself when I feel depressed now I just look at my past and remember where that kind of thinking can lead me. I know it’s hard, but you’re not alone.
my life is one big distraction. getting pulled away from the current but im much fast, ahem, no amen – speak with my only fray-yand – i stay-yand on my own six 2 I C U. U dont c Me cuz im parrallel in a place alternative to the symbols that we read, my thrust is vertical steep. gforce knocks me out but im a ray of sunshine deep within the matrix we are stung by to do a holy run by, drive by, fly by, im hi. bye bye. mom-aye. time to go to a place where im fine.
something kind of like – i really need to get my mind right – ding ding ding – fight fight fight night inside each situation that presents itself so fine I need to line my spine with golden moments make em hours, make a perma blooming flower. leap of faith off the top floor – dont be sour. im allowed to manifest a jump to my death off a tower after i breathe fire – omnipotent power not wired but walkin on the tight rope of insanity with no balance beam. who knows if i fall if i will ever be the same. if others were in my shoes they would be suckin on their thumb in a fetal position. got scar’s on my soul and demons speak in – but i dont listen. I glow, I glisten, dont watch – listen.
This may sound counter-intuitive (I hate that expression) but minimizing the effort to try and explain how bad something is works for the beginning of depressed states. Those feelings of sadness come from the inability to share our happiness with someone else. If I feel like I’m depressed I’ll share publicly what makes me happy and by the way of trying to relate to something I’ll no longer feel sucked by an emotion, it will be out in the open.
I’m not talking about dealing with depression but complete obliteration of getting into such states and even if you do, not for long because they do fucking suck.
There are a lot of things we miss concerning our emotional health just because they are shamefully simple. Things we begin to not mind after we adapt to them. A few that help for every day life – mind what you’re reading and listening to – if it’s music about hopelessness – turn that shit off. If it’s about a bridge that’s burning and not building – turn it off. If you’re reading about depression and even from self-entitled “experts” you won’t get far than convince yourself even more that there’s something you should be suffering for. All this awesome energy we have shouldn’t be wasted on boring and uncreative shit. We should get excited as soon as we wake up and believe a little. Another really simple thing a lot of people just miss is that everyone gets tired and needs a break. There are so many that don’t realize that our own thoughts start becoming negative when we’re deprived of good sleep and need to regenerate. Mind the simple and remove the complicating.
Write, express, feel, live, sing, maybe even dance eventually, but drugs and counseling don’t cure, that’s why they’re called treatment. How do we connect and relate? Definitely not with indirect advice by a popular name and a happy pill.
@BeyondEarth, right on. sing dance connect in someway to something outside yourself… create!
smile! anything. you can pull yourself out of any hole.. it takes just reaching out a bit to someone in a worse state. and bingo . the hole disappears. it is an illusion anyway. YES . it is hard to stay positive but we can do it~!
ellie you are so right here. it is all relative and impermanent. feelings of happiness and sadness go up and down… like water in the sea. sometimes rough and sometimes smooth. let it all flow and reach out and LOVE someone.. smile at someone . try to count your blessings, just a little bit and that can bring you up. dont fall into the VICTUM trip~~~ life is so worth living!!! LETS LIVE IT!
@unchainedpsyche, i read your whole story and it makes me want to cry. so many people become victum of their story and you are getting loose from it… go into the light… keep going. you are in the right direction. find something you love to do… the horses could have helped to heal you. but that lady was an asshole and selfish. but it doenst matter. dont look back now. keep your eyes on the path and keep going. around the next bend bliss could just be there for you!! i send you lots of light and love this christmas!
Don’t worry, you’ll find that other half of you. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, I’m sure of it, you’ll see.