What the fuck is happening to me?

stormy colt (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago

Okay, I don’t really know if this is the right place to be seeking guidance, but I just feel really really lost at the moment. I’m 17 years old and living in Scotland with my parents. I lived in Australia for 6 months with my aunt and uncle and got back a month ago..

The thing about my problem is that it’s very complicated and I don’t really think any psychologists/psychiatrists are qualified to help me. I’m going through an existential depression. I’m a deep philosophical thinker and every second of the day I just can’t believe any of this is even real, and I hate generally how fucked up everything is and how docile people have been made by our corrupt criminal government. Why are the vast majority of people so blind? It’s like everyone is in some sort of trance or something.. I mean seriously, we’re a bunch of talking heads that are somehow able to interpret this ‘reality’, walking around doing random shit on this spinning rock we call the Earth which is flying through the universe at 700 million miles an hour. What the fuck? Why are people so preoccupied with such trivial bullshit like soap operas, game shows, celebrities, money, vanity, popularity etc that they never even stop and think about the big picture. I mean just look at yourself in the mirror, and think “What am I looking at?” Don’t tell me you know what all of this is because you don’t. You might fool yourself into thinking that you do if it helps you sleep at night, but you don’t know shit. “Keep calm and carry on.”

Our world is being run by criminals and the sad part is the majority think we are free because they operate in secret. They basically hijacked the financial system making it debt based and therefore hijacking the government. We’re all slaves with invisible handcuffs because there is more debt to these assholes than money to pay it back with (Look up fractional reserve lending because I don’t have time to explain it). I’m pretty sure we’re also headed into world war 3 pretty soon which is terrifying (Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP7L8bw5Q…

I’ve always wanted to help make a difference in my life but lately I’ve been struggling with my sanity. It all started before I went to Australia and I was at a party on mdma (ecstasy) and a switch just flipped in my brain and I’ve had so much weird shit happening to me lately that I cannot for the life of me explain. On that night (actually it was about 7 am when everyone was coming down, everyone started chanting in synchronous and I felt this weird unsettling sensation all throughout my body which cannot be described effectively in words.. It was like my whole being was being ripped apart. I was really freaked out at this point, but to make it even worse whenever I spoke to someone they would say whatever I was thinking.. How the fuck is that even possible? The next day I was the only one who could recall that hour, everyone else said that they blacked out at the same time and they all said something weird happened.

Ever since then, I’ve had all kinds of weird shit that I can’t explain like dreams where I’ve predicted the next day, and (this one sounds retarded but I’m definitely not imagining it) whenever I walk past lots of people, about one in 5 points their tongue at me and wriggles it around like a fucking freak. At first I thought I was imagining it but now it happens every time I go out and other people have noticed it around me too. Also I’m having terrible nightmares that are extremely vivid involving demons, witches, snakes etc. I’m starting to get used to all this crap but at the same time I want to kill myself. I hate going outside and being around people now and I feel like I’m literally cursed.

I’ve developed a serious drinking problem and I barely like leaving the house anymore unless I’m buying more alcohol. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes two, which is way way above the recommended amount. I can’t sleep without it anymore.

My relationship with my parents is slowly declining as well. They want me to find a job but I can’t bear being around people anymore unless I’m drunk. Last night I decided to go out to the clubs and ended up spending all my money. It takes over an hour to walk home and it was freezing, so I called my mum and asked if she could pay for a taxi, and she said no.. I got about halfway and then saw a taxi and just thought fuck it. I got in and when I got home I went to my parents’ room to ask for the taxi money and my dad got really really pissed off and said no. I begged him because the taxi was sitting outside and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when he started getting physical and he hit me (Which is not like him at all) And I punched him in the face which made him fall to the ground. My mum decided to come down and pay for the taxi but I feel fucking awful. I feel trapped inside of my head, inside of this goddamn nightmare and I want to end it and kill myself, but I’m too scared to do it. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know what to do.

I hate how reality is all in your head. According to Indian philosophy there are two realities; manifest and absolute. The absolute is the underlying reality of everything which you cannot directly experience, and manifest is your perception – your own little world which you can’t escape. Everything that you are seeing right now is simply an image in your mind based on your sensory input, and while things seem solid and physical, that is in fact still part of the illusion created by your mind. Just because as humans we are all experiencing the phenomena of solidarity/physicality doesn’t necessarily make that the true nature of the universe in which we find ourselves.

I scared that nobody has the answers. Sure you get deep thinkers who give it their best shot to try and figure life out but to no avail. For all we know, we could be some kind of alien experiment, or perhaps living in the matrix or perhaps something even more fucked up. I hate not knowing.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to relate to anything, and I don’t think anyone can help me which is the terrifying part.

June 29, 2013 at 6:53 am

The topic ‘What the fuck is happening to me?’ is closed to new replies.

Anonymous (2,654) (@) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, It’s no one’s fault that you’re born in a world filled with zombies and the only advice you can get is from a half-zombie with half a brain. What’s happening to you is most probably alcohol withdrawal. What happened to you is you became aggressive, hit a family member and it got serious. It’s all going to pass though, I’m guessing you just don’t have anyone to talk to about this… but if you need to talk to someone try mentioning just one thing? You said like 8 things and I’m just choosing what to reply to.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

When I read your post I immediately sense that having no job right now and having problems with your parents and your own identity are the cause of you feeling off-balance. The existential doubts are more a rationalisation of these feelings and a way not to deal with the more ‘basal and seemingly less important’ things. I am not saying these questions are not valid, but the fact that you can’t handle them indicates a different, underlying and psychosomatic problem.

My advice to you is to get your shit together. Yes, jobs sucks. But if your reality demands a job right now, who are you to say no to this? See it as an act of discpline. Which brings me to an essential point. Philsophy and inquiry demands a high degree of discipline. So what you need to do is: Start meditating every day, record a journal, every day, start working out 3x a week, preferably something that increases your body awareness. Start inquiring into your own insecurities, fears, your own demands upon yourself, your expectations. And start getting a job and be grateful you do have food, and you do have a family.

Also, start reading a shit ton here on HE.

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

I have to counter Martijn’s tone.

What you’re experiencing is an awakening. Your mind, at your age, is finally ‘blooming’ basically – it finally can recognize reality for what it is. Taking drugs at this age amplifies this realization to the greatest degree, and depending on what you realize, you’re going to feel as if it is the most important realization you’ve had, and ever will have.

And if you think you’re the only one who’s experienced this, you’re absolutely in the dark. I’ve been in your place, but by the way you’re typing you are a lot better off than me. For me, the fear was beyond consciousness, it was pervasive throughout all of reality – even suicide wouldn’t have improved my state.

So – what I’m saying in short is this;
1. You’re not crazy, or insane, and your sanity is actually quite strong.
2. I’ve been there, and I’ve read countless others who have made this post, nearly verbatim, through the years.
3. You have only seen one part of the universe – the cold, calculating, limitless abyss of nothingness and emptiness of reality
4. There is the other side, which must be actively sought out by you – the full, limitless beauty and incredibleness of the universe.

Everything about this post is a good thing, and I see no reason to worry what so ever about your future, in fact, based on everything you said, your tone, and your worry, I’m incredibly excited for your future. You’re going to be a smart mother fucker, but its going to take time for that smart to transition from depression to ‘holy jesus I’m the happiest bastard alive’.

Anyway, that is all I’ll say for now. You have a lot to learn, believe it or not, and don’t ever doubt that. @Stormy-Colt,

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, I disagree. It is not an awakening, but it is a call to awaken. These are two very different things. To answer the call, you have to change your life. That is what everything is hinting at, you can’t continue the same road as you have been going so far. It is destructive, obviously. You see the world is shit, yet you are doing nothing about it. This has to change with yourself. Once you hear this call louder amidst the noise of late attention-capitalism, louder than anything else, and once you obey it in such a way you can’t tell the difference from that call and your own being, then, and only then, it is an awakening.

So, while I completely agree with your point that OP is very much sane and that his realization is valid, I doubt it is a sign of blooming. It can go either way right now. Being here and asking for help is a very good sign it will turn out positive. Yet, his active defense mechanism on seeking blame in ‘the Other’ (society, parents, lack of money etc) needs to be dismantled for an inner awakening to occur. Hence my previous advice.

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, Yeah I understand that (without sounding big-headed) I have a higher perception of reality than most people, regardless of age. I started becoming more aware after I took DMT, which was great until it got to the point where I really didn’t like what I saw. As for global affairs, yeah it’s shit but that’s not the root cause of my problem. I just don’t know how to deal with reality anymore. Assuming I live to about 85 that means I have almost 60 years to go trapped inside of my head. Yes, life is a constant learning experience and I may indeed (In fact certainly) adopt a new way of thinking that I can’t fathom this early in my life, but even still I will never be able to know. Maybe as Jack Sparrow said the problem isn’t the problem, but the attitude towards the problem. Fuck knows..

There’s part of me that wants to go on living because I have a great business idea that could make me very rich and I could use that wealth to help humankind. I have no doubt that we are on the verge of the biggest events in human history and by the time I’m dead the world will be unrecognizable, for better or worse. Either WW3 will kill us or the people will overthrow the government. Regardless of the outcome there will be change because this way of life is completely unsustainable.

As for my existential hunger, I’ve found this website amazing: http://armageddonconspiracy.co.uk and also mike Hockney’s God Series books (Although I’ve only just started the book). I don’t know if they are the real illuminati but they make a hell of a case and they’re definitely not evil

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@martijn, I’m not trying to blame anyone else. I’ve always had the ability to just step out of my life for a second (Not literally) and analyze everything from a neutral perspective. I know that I’m creating this hell for myself but I don’t know what to do about it

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

However the external matters certainly don’t help

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

Sounds cheesy but my biggest fear is myself. I look in the mirror and I see hair, two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, and I don’t know what the fuck I’m looking at.

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Man of the Future (108) (@Man-of-the-Future) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

My friend you have just been Activated into a new thought process fear not for you will get used to this new feel. Think of the Matrix sounds crazy but man that’s what it is,

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Silver (2) (@barrano247) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

Im kinda the same way, i get my feelings really messed up by thinking about things all the time, just analyzing my life, the world, spirituality, etc. I had depression and my psychiatrist never got to the bottom of it, took a lot of medicine which barely helped, it just went away as i gained new life perspectives, I stopped thinking about how shit life is nowadays, and started to find peace in the better things, like nature, just the universe itself, the fact that all these things exist, how perfect of a system the universe is, etc. And mostly music. Music really gave me new life, so I suggest to anyone feeling down, hopeless, anything of that nature, to find something in the world that you love, they say when your depressed you lose interest in everything, but everyone has loves in life that no depression can take from you

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Cosmic (79) (@cosmicd46) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt,

At the beginning of last year I also experienced “an existential depression”. I’ve never taken drugs or alcohol, though. My coping mechanism, if you will, was excessive eating. I had very similar thoughts to yours and constantly felt alone; not in a lonely, seeking attachment way but rather in a does-no-one-else-see-what-I-see way. Relationships were definitely affected during this time. I’d sit for hours in my bedroom eating and thinking about life. I didn’t interact with people and I’d imagine that there was a nasty energy emanating from me. I simply couldn’t accept the banal reality most people lived. In May of last year I committed suicide. Thankfully, I survived and no long term damage was caused. I didn’t feel better or happy in myself again until last October when I started socialising, studying and caring for myself again. (I don’t feel it’s relevant to expand on my experience too much but if you’d like to know more or even if you’d like to discuss yours in more detail, you’re welcome to PM me).

“Why are the vast majority of people so blind? It’s like everyone is in some sort of trance or something…”

You know, I often think they are in a trance. Brainwashed by mind-numbing TV shows and the like. Only a minority of people can see ‘the truth’. Only a few currently own ‘eye-opening sunglasses’.

As a sunglass wearer, shall we say, talk to people about what you see. Don’t be forceful. If people dismiss you, try to be patient and tolerant. If you’re enthusiastic about your views and enjoy your reality, then people may naturally become interested and seek sunglasses of their own. Just as, I assume, you wouldn’t like someone to grab your sunglasses off your face and stomp all over them, so too would others dislike you shoving glasses onto their face. Some people fear the unknown (what it’d be like wearing such glasses, for instance) so share your views with them first. Accept and expect that, just as you may not agree with or like their views of reality, they may not agree with or like yours. And just as you said, there’s an unattainable, objective reality and an infinite number of subjective realities. Amazing, no? Share your vast universe with those who have miniscule, conventional ones. Help others see the light that you see.

“Don’t tell me you know what all of this is because you don’t.”

My response to this ties in with what I said above – we each have our own reality and thus our own ideas about ‘what all of this is’.

I think you’ve just starting asking profound questions about your reality and have discovered the horribly selfish and pathetic nature of western politics and so on. Don’t stop. Philosophising is good but, in line with what someone above said, don’t let yourself meander off topic too often. Philosophy relies on systematic logic if it is to be successful. And I know that philosophy doesn’t provide definitive answers but I think it’s a good means by which to explore reality. And on a side note, I think reality, subjective or otherwise, is inherently random, inconsistent and generally defies ‘common sense’. Like quantum mechanics, I suppose.

“I scared that nobody has the answers. Sure you get deep thinkers who give it their best shot to try and figure life out but to no avail. For all we know, we could be some kind of alien experiment, or perhaps living in the matrix or perhaps something even more fucked up. I hate not knowing.”

If you consider the fact that we each have our own view of reality, then can science, philosophy or whatever else really provide sufficient answers? I think not. Explore your own reality yourself and answer your own questions. Don’t entirely dismiss the help and answers of others, though. They may challenge your own and help you to refine and even advance your views. We certainly could be part of some vast experiment. Try to accept that some things in life are unattainable and that some questions are, in a sense, invalid. Take the question “What’s the meaning of life?”. Asking such a question implies that life has a meaning. Does it? How can we ever really know? I say, answer the question yourself. Define your own life. If something doesn’t make sense, change your perspective. Look at it from all possible angles. If you still don’t understand, see if a naturally illogical human emotion fits into the equation. At least doing so has certainly helped me to improve relationships!

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cosmicloner (31) (@cosmicloner) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, dude…this post…I smoked some spice shit a couple of years ago and I lost my mind. I felt like I was a being not of this planet and I was somehow transported into this meatsuit. It was clunky to move around in and I didn’t know who anyone was or even who I was. My brother and girlfriend were trying to calm me down but I didn’t recognize them or where I was. Ever since then my perspective on life and everything has been like….WTF.

I’ve always been an introvert my whole life and I too have always been a philosophical thinker. But that moment…I changed. I feel the same way as you do. Everyone walking around in their meatsuits like “idgaf”…Totally oblivious to what they really are. I’m just like them sometimes too. THAT is what freaks me out. I know the truth of things (my perspective) but it’s like I lose time. I am aware – the ape takes over – I am aware again…it’s like I only have more control of this thing about 25% of the time…which is a legitimate thing I read somewhere.

Anyways, Your problem..is also mine….shit sucks man. Ignorance is bliss.

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Cosmic (79) (@cosmicd46) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt,

I’d like to add that I know I focused on relationships or talking to other people in my last post but that’s because you mentioned wanting to make a difference in the world or possibly getting help. Of course you don’t have to share your reality with others. But, either way, I think it’s best if you accept your own views of reality (no matter how fluid, undefined or unconventional they are) and those of others.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, hey. I think @martijn, and @ijesuschrist, were spot-on in the advice they gave you about your situation, even though they disagreed I think there are some points from both you could definitely take into account. I also empathize with facing enormous pressure from parents to get a job, and I empathize with you not wanting to, because, pardon my French, working for other people fucking blows. It feels like your life is being stolen out from under you. I think the meditation, journalling, and working out could do you a world of good though, and also, try not to get so mad when you are at home. You can only control yourself, so try to be so reactive when your parents say and do things you don’t agree with, I know how frustrating it can be, but like I said you only control yourself and you can lead by example. The getting physical part of your story is unfortunate though, because I think when your father hit you, the situation was fucked, he went over the line and you hitting him back was a natural reaction. BUT….it should never have escalated to that point, you see? It sounds like you already recognize alcohol is a problem, so you might want to wean yourself off it. Plus, it is an expensive habit. I know when I drink I find it harder to control my feelings and easier to slip into a rage. Also, I’d say worry less. You were talking about world war 3 and politics and other people being mired in shallow things……I say just don’t worry about it. People have a tendency to catastrophize, which means irrationally getting hung up on the worst possible (and often highly unlikely) scenario. In other words you are getting yourself worked up over nothing. I spent the better part of the last 13 years this way and I have no intention to spend another minute like that. Just don’t worry about what others are doing, what they are interested in, etc. because once again, you only control yourself. If you want to see a change in how people are, lead by example – change yourself first. And only focus on what YOU are doing…who cares if other people talk about celebrities and all that junk. Just make sure you don’t waste your own life. And don’t forget to have some fun!

Also, it may help you get out of your funk to take up a new passion, or maybe an artistic medium. I find creating things keeps life interesting, and without it, life gets stagnant and I tend to dwell on uninteresting thoughts. Get out of your funk man!

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Anonymous (119) (@) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Well my friend I can certainly relate. I live in a town outside of a city but when I drive in it’s a whole different world. You really do see the worst in people especially in highly populated areas in a small amount of area. There are a fair amount of beggars too which are often ignored and it’s really hard for me (as an empathetic person naturally) to absorb all of this and see it as natural. Only now I’m beginning to delve into the tips of human potential and to see it cast off by the bullshit ‘society’ we live in is a fucking shame. Human beings are human, regardless of their condition or their situation. Everyone needs love, care and compassion and hell even a couple bucks to buy some food because apparently these people who drive around their fancy cars and filling up their foreigns at the gas station, they can’t be bothered to spare any change for the homeless man outside. It’s really sad to see the state and condition in which we live in, especially after the knowledge we’ve learned over centuries. You’d have thought we would’ve progressed more than this.

But that’s alright.

It’s time to usher in the new era.

The old empire is no longer beneficial to us.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Drop the booze for a bit. I bet you’ll feel somewhat better.

As for the existential funk, I’ve been going through it for a long time but I’ve figured out you have to have money to get to a position where you don’t need it. I say I figured out but I’m still struggling with accepting it.

Good luck.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@spaceghost, agreed. sometimes one just needs to get a job to have the parents off your back….that’s how I feel right now, as much as I hate working, them giving me grief every day has me living in constant anxiety.

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

I think Martijn and I are kind of seeing it from two perspectives. . .

Martijn is telling you you need to take what you’ve seen and grow from it, otherwise its going to just be a baggage on you.

I’m saying that what you’ve seen is just one side to reality, and there is another, completely opposite, full of goodness and beauty.

Same shit! :)
(Sorry I don’t mean to put words in your mouth Martijn, just my interpretation).

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@cosmicd46, I PM’d you..


@cosmicloner
,
That was like reading my own thoughts tbh.. Stuck inside of a monkey-meat-suit. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one.. Not saying I’m glad of your suffering, I’m just glad that there is someone who truly understands what I’m going through.

The clinical definition of this is depersonalization – You feel like you don’t belong in your life, as if you’re an outsider looking in. I suspect that the only mental ‘illness’ here is sanity. It’s what happens when you break free of the trance and see things for what they really are- and yes I mean a literal trance that most people are in.

I’m not quite sure which is worse, blissful sheep-like ignorance lining up in the slaughterhouse, or realizing you’re in a slaughterhouse but not being able to do anything about it.


@theskafish
,
It’s not the abundance of sheeple obsessed with bullshit that bothers me per se. Rather, it’s the LACK of intelligent people in my day to day life. That’s why I like forums.. They always attract like-minded people.

As for the alcohol, yes I do see it as a major problem. I used to be really outgoing and I hate what I’m doing to myself but I literally cannot sleep without it. I have tried but I always end up having panic attacks (Which also happens when I’m around a lot of other people). Pondering on things is a double edged sword – The more you think about stuff the more you realize you have no clue about anything. Gaining knowledge is like trying to count to infinity; You keep going gaining more and more but no matter what you’re still infinitely far away from complete knowledge of everything.

World war 3 is coming. Call me a glass half empty person but using the analogy from earlier I’d rather know I’m in a slaughterhouse than be willfully ignorant. Who knows, I mean the only way for me to get through this personal strife is to completely overcome fear. If I manage that I’ll be a much stronger person and maybe I can join the cause.

@aestheticbrah,
That is what happens in a society fundamentally based on inequality. (Capitalism) Although what we have to day is not true democratic capitalism – rather, a fascist dictatorship in disguise – even if we did have true capitalism it is still based on inequality and birthright inheritance. What we need is meritocracy and social capitalism.

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago


If you want to know why I think we’re heading for a ww3 then watch that video.. It’s like 15 minutes long and basically sums up what I think

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Human Areing (1) (@top11) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Sounds like you’re growing up and doing it beautifully, just try to transcend the hate and keep breathing and you’ll be just fine. We’re all rooting for you :)

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stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, That’s really good advice man, and I know you’re right. When I was a kid I was one of the happiest kids every and I know that life can be amazing but the trouble is trying to integrate all this negative knowledge into a positive outlook. Transcending my state of mind and growing from it is easier said than done

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, The thing is, being negative and depressed is easy, and its addictive… we feel ‘powerful’ when we have that “Everyone’s a zombie but me” outlook. I had it, I know I had it. Had it for a long time, and when I had it I hated it, but when I lost it, I missed having that ‘power’ or that feeling of being in more control than others…

Its easy to be down with the way of the world.

But its a true sign of wisdom and understanding to be happy once again, and a sign of some real strength.

WW3 is propoganda. I’ve seen that movie before… I wouldn’t buy into it.

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Cosmic (79) (@cosmicd46) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt,

I agree entirely with @ijesuschrist’s last post. (And good point, Jesus, about feeling powerful when depressed. I never thought of it like that but I agree). Negativity can be like a downward spiral into eternal melancholy. Try not to reach the bottom. In hindsight I realise how negative I was last year and how easy it is now to automatically accept, but not necessarily agree with, other peoples views of the world. Consider what makes you happy and follow your bliss, not what society tells you to do. And, in the long term, you may benefit from your current pessimism. I see dips in my mood as lessons. They remind me that there’s no light without darkness.

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Justin Harmon (5) (@harmon82) 8 years, 5 months ago ago

Welcome to the show! Don’t give up man. We need you to help awaken the sleeping masses. Minds are easily controlled by our perceived outer circumstances, but can be defeated if you rise above your ego. Perhaps your ego is showing you the fear, because it wants you to stop your path of awakening? Just remember, everything may look and seem like it’s outside of you, but in reality, it’s all inside of you. That means everything; the universe, earth, rocks, plants, animals, humans, etc…are all inside of you, because you are also inside of it. At the smallest molecular level, this holds true. You see what your mind wants you to see. Learn how to rise above your mind by finding the real you inside. The you that’s connected to the outer existence.

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