What the fuck is happening to me?

Okay, I don’t really know if this is the right place to be seeking guidance, but I just feel really really lost at the moment. I’m 17 years old and living in Scotland with my parents. I lived in Australia for 6 months with my aunt and uncle and got back a month ago..

The thing about my problem is that it’s very complicated and I don’t really think any psychologists/psychiatrists are qualified to help me. I’m going through an existential depression. I’m a deep philosophical thinker and every second of the day I just can’t believe any of this is even real, and I hate generally how fucked up everything is and how docile people have been made by our corrupt criminal government. Why are the vast majority of people so blind? It’s like everyone is in some sort of trance or something.. I mean seriously, we’re a bunch of talking heads that are somehow able to interpret this ‘reality’, walking around doing random shit on this spinning rock we call the Earth which is flying through the universe at 700 million miles an hour. What the fuck? Why are people so preoccupied with such trivial bullshit like soap operas, game shows, celebrities, money, vanity, popularity etc that they never even stop and think about the big picture. I mean just look at yourself in the mirror, and think “What am I looking at?” Don’t tell me you know what all of this is because you don’t. You might fool yourself into thinking that you do if it helps you sleep at night, but you don’t know shit. “Keep calm and carry on.”

Our world is being run by criminals and the sad part is the majority think we are free because they operate in secret. They basically hijacked the financial system making it debt based and therefore hijacking the government. We’re all slaves with invisible handcuffs because there is more debt to these assholes than money to pay it back with (Look up fractional reserve lending because I don’t have time to explain it). I’m pretty sure we’re also headed into world war 3 pretty soon which is terrifying (Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP7L8bw5Q…

I’ve always wanted to help make a difference in my life but lately I’ve been struggling with my sanity. It all started before I went to Australia and I was at a party on mdma (ecstasy) and a switch just flipped in my brain and I’ve had so much weird shit happening to me lately that I cannot for the life of me explain. On that night (actually it was about 7 am when everyone was coming down, everyone started chanting in synchronous and I felt this weird unsettling sensation all throughout my body which cannot be described effectively in words.. It was like my whole being was being ripped apart. I was really freaked out at this point, but to make it even worse whenever I spoke to someone they would say whatever I was thinking.. How the fuck is that even possible? The next day I was the only one who could recall that hour, everyone else said that they blacked out at the same time and they all said something weird happened.

Ever since then, I’ve had all kinds of weird shit that I can’t explain like dreams where I’ve predicted the next day, and (this one sounds retarded but I’m definitely not imagining it) whenever I walk past lots of people, about one in 5 points their tongue at me and wriggles it around like a fucking freak. At first I thought I was imagining it but now it happens every time I go out and other people have noticed it around me too. Also I’m having terrible nightmares that are extremely vivid involving demons, witches, snakes etc. I’m starting to get used to all this crap but at the same time I want to kill myself. I hate going outside and being around people now and I feel like I’m literally cursed.

I’ve developed a serious drinking problem and I barely like leaving the house anymore unless I’m buying more alcohol. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes two, which is way way above the recommended amount. I can’t sleep without it anymore.

My relationship with my parents is slowly declining as well. They want me to find a job but I can’t bear being around people anymore unless I’m drunk. Last night I decided to go out to the clubs and ended up spending all my money. It takes over an hour to walk home and it was freezing, so I called my mum and asked if she could pay for a taxi, and she said no.. I got about halfway and then saw a taxi and just thought fuck it. I got in and when I got home I went to my parents’ room to ask for the taxi money and my dad got really really pissed off and said no. I begged him because the taxi was sitting outside and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when he started getting physical and he hit me (Which is not like him at all) And I punched him in the face which made him fall to the ground. My mum decided to come down and pay for the taxi but I feel fucking awful. I feel trapped inside of my head, inside of this goddamn nightmare and I want to end it and kill myself, but I’m too scared to do it. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know what to do.

I hate how reality is all in your head. According to Indian philosophy there are two realities; manifest and absolute. The absolute is the underlying reality of everything which you cannot directly experience, and manifest is your perception – your own little world which you can’t escape. Everything that you are seeing right now is simply an image in your mind based on your sensory input, and while things seem solid and physical, that is in fact still part of the illusion created by your mind. Just because as humans we are all experiencing the phenomena of solidarity/physicality doesn’t necessarily make that the true nature of the universe in which we find ourselves.

I scared that nobody has the answers. Sure you get deep thinkers who give it their best shot to try and figure life out but to no avail. For all we know, we could be some kind of alien experiment, or perhaps living in the matrix or perhaps something even more fucked up. I hate not knowing.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to relate to anything, and I don’t think anyone can help me which is the terrifying part.

June 29, 2013 at 6:53 am

The topic ‘What the fuck is happening to me?’ is closed to new replies.

lectra (9) (@lectra) 9 years ago ago

@ijesuschrist, said “The thing is, being negative and depressed is easy, and its addictive… we feel ‘powerful’ when we have that “Everyone’s a zombie but me” outlook. I had it, I know I had it. Had it for a long time, and when I had it I hated it, but when I lost it, I missed having that ‘power’ or that feeling of being in more control than others…

Its easy to be down with the way of the world.

But its a true sign of wisdom and understanding to be happy once again, and a sign of some real strength.”

This really resonates with where I am in life right now, great post. Being negative and depressed definitely is ‘addicting’ and once you are used to it seems to be hard to get out of. Im 21 and have started to realize this myself. I think I knew it for a while but reinforcing positive thinking is harder than just knowing about the concept!

, I think part of the problem is you are looking for answers. Dont get me wrong its good to be curious and all but from my experience I get more depressed when I over think topics like these. All you need to do is try to enjoy the ride and pass on the positivity. Dont think too much, feel, experience. Let go of perfection.

Cuauhtémoc Suárez (2) (@Temo777) 9 years ago ago

If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life. If there was nothing else that you ever came to understand other than just look for things to appreciate, it’s the only tool you would ever need to predominantly hook you up with who you really are. That’s all you’d need.
— Abraham-Hicks
Excerpted from the workshop in San Antonio, TX on Saturday, January 26th, 2002

TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, after yesterday, I return to say I cannot emphasize enough the importance of weaning yourself off of drinking, especially hard liquor. Last night I went to a party, and I had been drinking even just a little bit of rum, and I was joking around and someone responded a little too seriously and threatened me….I was a hair’s breadth away from leaping off the couch and knocking this SOB down, I had to actively summon willpower and common sense to keep me from escalating the situation. From your story, you’ve experienced this already. Forgive me if this seems preachy, but it was something I experienced firsthand……please consider looking for another way to get to sleep, hard liquor can really effect your mood for the worse.


Count how many times you said I, me, my, mine, in that self-absorbed drivel I’m upset I even read through.

Then for everytime you did that, go help someone else or do something productive for humanity.


I was on hard drugs for 4 years, most recently an 18 month bout with the dark lord of the drug world, heroin. I battled with relapse after relapse, wondering what the hell was wrong with me?

Know how I got clean and stayed clean? I started helping other people. Imagine that? I helped myself by helping people. Started being active in my community, talking with/helping other addicts, did the complete opposite of every one of my ‘using’ instincts and my life was restored.

Now I’ve reached a new plane of existence I never thought I could reach. Physically, emotionally, phsychologically, you name it – my problem was never a drug/depression/anxiety/etc problem, it was a me problem. Once I got outside of myself, viola – life became beautiful again.

You only get what you give kid. Remember that.

CurrentlyAscending (104) (@mrbates23) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, I’m 17 as well and oddly enough I’m visiting Scotland in 3 days. I’m in Cambridge at the moment, I live in America and am on vacation. I’m, like you, a very philosophical thinker. About a month ago I had sorta the same thoughts as you. Within a split second a sudden wave of fear fell over me and everything seemed so odd. Nothing seemed real and everything was if a dream almost. I felt like I was going insane. It was scary and people would try talking with me but I was so in my head that I couldn’t even talk back. When I thought about the universe and everything before this incident I was so open and confident. But after everything was so scary, like what you were saying about what is actually going on? Like what the fuck? I know that exact feeling. I’ve been aware of that thought before but after this reality alteration it is SO scary to me. Nothing seemed real. I feel as if I have no ambitions or anything anymore. My thoughts seem far away as well as reality itself. I used to be very spiritual and now it’s hard to even consider that. I hate it. But anyways I jus want to let you know you’re not alone. So I guess you could say we’re not crazy.

DaFunks (366)M (@Dafunks) 9 years ago ago

Ive not read all the replies yet so maybe others have said this.

Most of these problems are not real problems. They are just how shit is. This is reality. You can pick to get fucked up by reality or not let it effect you. It is a choice. You have very little control over the government. I live in the UK also… I know how it is. I also have spent a long time in Scotland and have seen how different things are up there.

Your BIG problem is drinking. It is not the answer. You need to get some help for it. Drink will make you so much worse! You live in Scotland so you should see this anyway. Stay away from it.

Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years ago ago

Meritocracy sounds like a good idea.

Anonymous (53) (@) 9 years ago ago

@ijesuschrist, bravo :)

Mark (11) (@mrkdoob) 9 years ago ago

I’m sorry that you have to experience it like this. I must however tell you that you are suffering from a PSYCHOSIS and I’ve been there. I must also say that your fears are true, but your thoughts are not the ultimate reality, since reality does not exist. Everything is based on perception, experiment results and theories, even physics (untill it can be disproven). All social theories cannot be plausible untill it’s proven in multiple settings (lots of factors). In both cases there is a reason why they are called theories. I understand all your thoughts and I’ve been struggling with my own probably my whole life. I’m introvert myself and I was the king in not showing my emotions. This resulted in a very strong ego, but ego’s are ment to be shattered. I also experienced the same with MDMA and I know what it does to your brain and body.

If you start to feel suicidal, it should be the breaking point for you to go to a psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist know way more than you in this field and they are highly trained to deal with a psychosis. Most people who have studied medicine are actually very lovely people. Unless you can claim that you understand your brain, thoughts, nervous system and most social theories you shouldn’t have a problem dealing with this.

You will have to be able to find ways to release the stress and do things you like (sport, food, etc.). Relaxing medicine also work really well and they do not really harm your brain or body.

The fear that I have experienced is beyond thoughts and could have actually killed me if I was not fit. If you want tips on removing the fear (which is just stress in the body) you can PM me. It will exhaust your serotonin and dopamine supply, so if you can’t handle suicidal thoughts than I’m sure that you will find a better solution for your own consciousness.

Everyone will share a part of their own experiences in order to help you. If this is your first post and you are not sure what kind of people are on this forum, than it will be hard for you to absorb any information at all. The most important thing is: accept information, but do not boost your ego with these thoughts as your family and friends will abandon you. And they will NOT be able to understand your thoughts untill your fears are gone, so just try get rid of the fear/stress.

Anonymous (53) (@) 9 years ago ago

@Americantstoprockin, I think people need to go through this period in life sometimes because it forces them to grow and become the wonderful people of this world. I’m sure Gandhi was also self-absorbed at one point before he saw “the light”

emptyminded (68) (@thoughtless) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, normally im just a passive reader (wasnt even a member of HE untill a few minutes ago), i joined just to tell you that, the advices given are spot on and your lucky to have found this site WHILE you are going through this PHASE. im 18 and i get what your going through cause your realization of reality is very similar to the realization i had but as ijesus said, suicide could not help me escape. This might sound cliche but TIME is the best medicine, the only physical advice i can offer is try to control the alcohol usage, if not stopping completely. you said you cant sleep without it or you will have panic attacks, but that will eventually pass after some sleepless nights.(since you are not working at the moment i think that wont be too much of a prob)… last advice, take up the discipline of daily meditation (one im still having trouble with) and try to live in the NOW as much as possible. best of luck

p.s love your word play, always wanted to be able to let my thoughts flow like that. so i can say that your very intelligent and will one day help mankind to transcend its ugly reality.

Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, I saw you mentioned DMT… quit doing that for a while and I guarantee your sanity will start coming back. I was doing it a lot for a while and started having really scary experiences and dreams too.

stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 9 years ago ago

I appreciate what you’re saying, (Not so much your tone though) but the reason I’m talking about myself so much in this thread is because I’m trying to build an accurate picture of where I’m at so people can give me good advice. That’s why I started the thread in the first place..
I’m not an ego-centric person, and believe me when I say that I do have plans to help humanity which are already underway, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about it online. I just need to figure out how to get my shit together in my personal life. I’m happy that you managed to do that yourself but each individual case is different.

Yeah the exact same thing happened to me. Before I was still a deep thinker but it was never scary or anything. I actually think that something is happening to the global consciousness at the moment which is causing this to happen to some people our age. Call me a tinfoil hat crackpot, but I think it’s got something to do with Dec 21st last year and comet ISON coming later this year. Because, although I didn’t put the two together at the time, after Dec 21st my interests completely shifted into finding answers. I’ve completely transformed since then and I’ve noticed it manifesting in others in different ways.

I know you are right, but it’s hard. The panic attacks are due to somniphobia and alcohol calms my nerves. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and I’m still figuring out what to say to them..

This is an open question by the way.. If the doctor determines that I’m psychotic (Which I’m pretty sure will happen if I explain everything) then will they FORCE me to take medicine? I’m just scared medication might make things worse but at the same time I don’t think I have a choice

stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 9 years ago ago

@ijesuschrist, WW3 is not propaganda.. That is what so many people believed prior to the first world war.The signs are all here. And it’s obvious that the powers are up to something big and chillingly bizarre.

Not related to WW3 but still interesting

Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Can you elaborate? I won’t watch long videos about conspiracies to make my day worse. Are you expecting WW3 or looking forward to it? It’s all brainwashing bullshit if you ask me.

stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 9 years ago ago

@beyond, What I mean is that there is some kind of occult meaning to all of this. It was predicted 2800 years ago that there would be a war between Israel, Iran and Syria (Different names but same geographic locations), and so many leaders are into occultism. I just find it very bizarre. It’s like someone, somewhere understands something very big that the world doesn’t know about

Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, When history and fiction collide it creates a great opportunity for people to manipulate by using their own fears. I usually don’t talk about such things, because it’s mostly disturbing, but it’s in our own history books. What “the powers” decide people should learn and even decide for us what’s important. I don’t believe nowadays leaders have the power to control people as much as it was before the globalization and the internet. It just doesn’t make sense to me anymore. A lot of people are coloring it like they’re “waking up”, but it’s just the same realization that all the power is in us, because we’re truly the leaders that could make a change or at least see through the bullshit of our governments and prevent anything similar to a world war. Just my thoughts. I’m probably an idealist.

Anonymous (2,833) (@) 9 years ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, The video has ‘mayans, egyptians, bible, hopi’ in the title…

conspiracy, unreal, propaganda.

stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 9 years ago ago

@ijesuschrist, That’s a bit dismissive. If you’d watched it and still thought so I’d be eager to hear your opinion of it. I don’t believe anything blindly.. If something makes sense logically then I integrate it into my worldview as being possible until I’m proved otherwise. It’s healthy to listen to contradicting views and do your best to make sense of it

, Yeah I hear where you’re coming from. Because of the nature of these topics it’s becomes nearly impossible to distinguish truth from fiction

stormy colt (80) (@Stormy-Colt) 9 years ago ago

@beyond, Btw in that video she isn’t just repeating stuff that she’s heard from other conspiracy theories. It’s about astronomy more than anything else

t-rav (25) (@travis) 9 years ago ago

For one month don’t put drugs in your body, eat healthy, exercise a lot, mediate, don’t pay attention to news, spend time with your family, read, improve you mind/body/spirit. See how you come out on the other side. You have enough to eat, a roof over your head, and parents that deal with your shit, show more gratitude for what many don’t have.

Trinogomous (0) (@Jace) 9 years ago ago

Damn I love this site. So many questions answered just by reading the threads. @ijesuschrist, love your words of wisdom man

Tine (366) (@tine) 9 years ago ago


you are unhappy with your life. you are unhappy with where you are despite how smart you think you are.

|| Rather, it’s the LACK of intelligent people in my day to day life ||

^this^ shows a [reflection], people in your life are intelligent, just because they do not discuss the same things you do does not make them less, the fact that you feel ‘most’ everyone is less is another [reflection], and is mentioned and focused upon to distract you from how little progress you are making in your life currently,

same with the drinking, same with the drugs, same with all the plans and ideas that you have in your head,

unless you are moving, you are dying, meaning, unless you are acting on your plans, no matter how clever they seem in your mind, you are not going anywhere, or doing anything, except sitting there, doing nothing,

as for your paranoia, i cannot say, i would have to be there with you to see it, but extreme anxiety can narrow and distort what the perspective sees, and what you described sounds like this.

it is an awakening, an awakening to how your current set of [actions] creates a series of disappointing [outcomes],

[action] + [action] + [action] = shit existence, lacking in depth and true feeling.

[shit existence] x [need to orient ego] = feelings of superiority without reality to back it up.

[shit existence] x [need to orient ego]10 (over a long period) = state of deepened illusion, denial

[state of illusion] 10 (over a long period) = state of paranoia

[state of illusion] + [extreme, mind altering drugs] = hastened state of paranoia

emptyminded (68) (@thoughtless) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@tine,lol your so funny… trying to predict the future. but you do make a good psychologist tho. although they are mostly full of crap. dont try to force some grim reality on someone, that popped up in your head, when you know nothing of the person you are speaking to. try to offer advice not bad scenarios.

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