What the fuck is happening to me?

Okay, I don’t really know if this is the right place to be seeking guidance, but I just feel really really lost at the moment. I’m 17 years old and living in Scotland with my parents. I lived in Australia for 6 months with my aunt and uncle and got back a month ago..

The thing about my problem is that it’s very complicated and I don’t really think any psychologists/psychiatrists are qualified to help me. I’m going through an existential depression. I’m a deep philosophical thinker and every second of the day I just can’t believe any of this is even real, and I hate generally how fucked up everything is and how docile people have been made by our corrupt criminal government. Why are the vast majority of people so blind? It’s like everyone is in some sort of trance or something.. I mean seriously, we’re a bunch of talking heads that are somehow able to interpret this ‘reality’, walking around doing random shit on this spinning rock we call the Earth which is flying through the universe at 700 million miles an hour. What the fuck? Why are people so preoccupied with such trivial bullshit like soap operas, game shows, celebrities, money, vanity, popularity etc that they never even stop and think about the big picture. I mean just look at yourself in the mirror, and think “What am I looking at?” Don’t tell me you know what all of this is because you don’t. You might fool yourself into thinking that you do if it helps you sleep at night, but you don’t know shit. “Keep calm and carry on.”

Our world is being run by criminals and the sad part is the majority think we are free because they operate in secret. They basically hijacked the financial system making it debt based and therefore hijacking the government. We’re all slaves with invisible handcuffs because there is more debt to these assholes than money to pay it back with (Look up fractional reserve lending because I don’t have time to explain it). I’m pretty sure we’re also headed into world war 3 pretty soon which is terrifying (Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP7L8bw5Q…

I’ve always wanted to help make a difference in my life but lately I’ve been struggling with my sanity. It all started before I went to Australia and I was at a party on mdma (ecstasy) and a switch just flipped in my brain and I’ve had so much weird shit happening to me lately that I cannot for the life of me explain. On that night (actually it was about 7 am when everyone was coming down, everyone started chanting in synchronous and I felt this weird unsettling sensation all throughout my body which cannot be described effectively in words.. It was like my whole being was being ripped apart. I was really freaked out at this point, but to make it even worse whenever I spoke to someone they would say whatever I was thinking.. How the fuck is that even possible? The next day I was the only one who could recall that hour, everyone else said that they blacked out at the same time and they all said something weird happened.

Ever since then, I’ve had all kinds of weird shit that I can’t explain like dreams where I’ve predicted the next day, and (this one sounds retarded but I’m definitely not imagining it) whenever I walk past lots of people, about one in 5 points their tongue at me and wriggles it around like a fucking freak. At first I thought I was imagining it but now it happens every time I go out and other people have noticed it around me too. Also I’m having terrible nightmares that are extremely vivid involving demons, witches, snakes etc. I’m starting to get used to all this crap but at the same time I want to kill myself. I hate going outside and being around people now and I feel like I’m literally cursed.

I’ve developed a serious drinking problem and I barely like leaving the house anymore unless I’m buying more alcohol. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes two, which is way way above the recommended amount. I can’t sleep without it anymore.

My relationship with my parents is slowly declining as well. They want me to find a job but I can’t bear being around people anymore unless I’m drunk. Last night I decided to go out to the clubs and ended up spending all my money. It takes over an hour to walk home and it was freezing, so I called my mum and asked if she could pay for a taxi, and she said no.. I got about halfway and then saw a taxi and just thought fuck it. I got in and when I got home I went to my parents’ room to ask for the taxi money and my dad got really really pissed off and said no. I begged him because the taxi was sitting outside and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when he started getting physical and he hit me (Which is not like him at all) And I punched him in the face which made him fall to the ground. My mum decided to come down and pay for the taxi but I feel fucking awful. I feel trapped inside of my head, inside of this goddamn nightmare and I want to end it and kill myself, but I’m too scared to do it. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know what to do.

I hate how reality is all in your head. According to Indian philosophy there are two realities; manifest and absolute. The absolute is the underlying reality of everything which you cannot directly experience, and manifest is your perception – your own little world which you can’t escape. Everything that you are seeing right now is simply an image in your mind based on your sensory input, and while things seem solid and physical, that is in fact still part of the illusion created by your mind. Just because as humans we are all experiencing the phenomena of solidarity/physicality doesn’t necessarily make that the true nature of the universe in which we find ourselves.

I scared that nobody has the answers. Sure you get deep thinkers who give it their best shot to try and figure life out but to no avail. For all we know, we could be some kind of alien experiment, or perhaps living in the matrix or perhaps something even more fucked up. I hate not knowing.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to relate to anything, and I don’t think anyone can help me which is the terrifying part.

June 29, 2013 at 6:53 am

The topic ‘What the fuck is happening to me?’ is closed to new replies.

Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 12 months ago ago


your response to me makes the probability of me being correct, that much more likely, if you were to examine why you are being defensive,

i dont need to know you to know about you

Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 12 months ago ago


regardless the progress you are making currently, you would not be here posting this if you were satisfied with the current accumulative sentence your actions are bringing you,

emptyminded (68) (@thoughtless) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, all phobias are mental effects to which all humans are bounded by in some way or another. The sad part, can we get rid of them? a resounding no, the happy part, YOU can control it (but its the hardest thing to do, from my point of view). i have a phobia of the unknown just as much as you( tho a part of me loves it) but just remember its all in your head , so just check if your breathing, seriously CHECK. (it helps you to remember that you are here right NOW reading this and nothing is wrong at the moment) if you apply this whenever you feel the need to take a step back and relax, and REALIZE your environment, alot of tense moments will just pass with the flow of TIME

about wendnesday
see what you just did?… you figured out a logical scenario that may occur if you follow your intended path, so try to do the opposite not tell him/her those thoughts (some thoughts are private), although you came on this site and shared your thoughts with us the doctor might not be so open minded. I dont believe they can force you to do something, but on the off chance that they might, i say its best you stay clear of that situation. the reason why im saying this is because i a faced similar situation as you, just replace doctor with psychiatrist and your alcohol with weed for me. the only reason i got off without the meds was because i had a natural ability to talk my way out of unpleasant situations, if your wondering why i told her the side of me im telling you not to tell your doctor was because i like to experiment with my reality if you like to do the same, feel free to do so, but again i say i would advice you not to… just answer and tell him what he needs to know, to know that you are a sane person
about the meds, i personally dont believe that a problem caused by internal influences needs a solution of external influences.

emptyminded (68) (@thoughtless) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@tine, i dont need to know you to know about you
then that would just be stereotyping but then again thats what psychologist do, and as i said you would make a good one… but on the other hand you might be wrong and this particular 17 year old is different form the simples you used, seeing as how, what you said could not have been experienced by you and are just external information that you stored in your brain from observations of OTHER people, internet etc…

Tine (366) (@tine) 8 years, 12 months ago ago


now who is assuming? if the insights were deep then they were drawn from self

Stuckinthe90s (2) (@90sNostalgia) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

It’s time to find other distractions in life besides MDMA and partying. Absorb the world around you and read or do whatever interest you that is healthy for your mind, body and soul. Although, MDMA is a really safe drug and a great way to see a different perception of life, sometimes it’s great to detox from these things for a while and embrace the positive things in life. What we focus on, expands and it seems as though you’re in a very negative space right now. Find things that will help you get centered and re-focused on what’s most important here besides the world around us, you.

Matt (10) (@madcat) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Lookit, life is like a play we all write, direct, and act out together; everyone has a contribution and a place. Some are big and some are small, but we are all in the struggle together. Hardships unite us. You’re right, what life really is, no one here knows. But we’ve been here a while, so we do know what it is like. As you so thoroughly understand, the deeper into the looking glass you stare, the more horrifying things you see, and oh the humanity; the masses of people unaware, unconscious, superficial. But guess what- the truth is precisely why they are unaware! Life without psychological blinders on is utterly horrifying at times, mystical at others, and just way, way much stimulation to handle continuously. At least not yet, for most people. People are gradually awakening, but this is a deeply personal and often tumultuous process that each must navigate alone. But I’m the narrator and this is just the prologue; a bloody live birth! Awakening can be a struggle, but each individual who awakens makes it easier for others and safer for the world at large. They can guide others. We have a shortage of compassionate leaders in this era, so before the masses completely rouse from their stupor we need pioneers. To me, this sounds like you. Once a critical mass of new, responsible leaders are established a momentum will be created, and the ‘hundredth monkey effect’ comes into play. So the story falls upon us all; if we want war more, we’ll get a war. But if we don’t want a war, if we are ready to feel political peace, we can have that as well. It is not impossible, unless you believe what the television news has to say. All it takes for peace in the world at large is to find peace in your daily circumstances until you are overflowing with peace, and can fill the world. How you manage that is up to you, but I can promise it feels a hell of a lot better than the state you are in now.

As far as the WW3 topic goes… I understand your fear, there is indeed a lot of nastiness and manipulation in world politics, especially behind the false show. Surely there is a group of people seeking another world war to secure their status as “elite”. The focal point of these efforts seems to be the middle east, priorities include control of puppet governments in key countries including Israel, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Syria… which has caused many of the revolutions in the area. With countries Russia and China threatening opposition to further extension of such a campaign. Definitely a tense situation, and there is a strong possibility for war here. Yet we still can’t say anything for sure. The devil is in the details, and regardless of how much planning put in behind the scenes, each and every person involved holds a piece of control; everyone writes a line in the play. Thinking about war still scares me, and that’s natural, fear warns us of danger. But I don’t feel worry about the breakout of war anymore, because if peace is my concern I know that I can make a more appropriate impact by choosing peace no matter what and gifting my worldly contribution fully. Making fear ones primary concern just feeds in to the creation of the war.

Brother, seeing so deeply is a great gift. But gifts are also curses. I look too deeply sometimes and it makes it easier to forget that life is meant to be fun. Philosophical, religious, and political thought makes everything sound sooo serious. What a joke.

Fleabus (1) (@Fleabus) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

I’m 20 and I’ve been an existentialist ever since I started thinking rationally. I completely understand what you mean by the absurdity of reality and the people around you. Existence is strange and confusing and for some reason a lot of people don’t seem to notice; Don’t seem to realise how crazy it is that anything exists at all.

Give yourself a goal in life. Yes, all goals are meaningless, but why not? A slight delusion of reality is what gets me by in life.

BrittanyRenee (14) (@BrittanyRenee) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, I read this entire discussion.
Judging on your replies, which are very defensive, I can see that your views are being fucked around with by your ego.
Dude, just seperate yourself from your ego.
or else you won’t learn ANYTHING that will actually help your situation. all you’ll keep learning about as long as you’re stuck in your ego, is shit that agrees with you.
You need something to shake you up. Strip you from your current way of thinking.
& alcohol will definitely keep you from doing just that. (it halts brain development. so if you don’t stop drinking, you’ll be stuck in your same way of thinking pretty much)
Want some help?
Try helping yourself.
Now, I see you’re a really smart fellow.
but if you don’t take some fucking responsibility NOW, & just realize yeah life sucks, but its also fucking beautiful than you’re fucking fucked.

in my opinion its not healthy to just throw this conspiricy off as if its DEFINITELY not a possibility. everything is a possibility. I think that’s what Stormy Colt dude is trying to get at.

BUT StormyColtDude,
once again, making yourself look just like the rest of the sheep-people,
like that video. didn’t you just say that too?
& don’t try to say that you don’t BELIEVE in it, because you do.
Earlier in the discussion you were freaking out about it, trying to get other people to get lost in the pointless bullshit.
if there is a WorldWar III WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? NOTHING. that’s right. absolutely nothing. So quit worrying about it.
Just focus on things that you’re better off with.
If you need help doing that, read up on having better control of your mind (getting out of your mind) MEDITATION is the key to life.

Now, if i sound like a total idiot, i mean, oh well. I’m just trying to help out a little.
Or maybe i’m just all up in my emotions right now because you remind me SO much of myself .

Peace, man.

Fleabus (1) (@Fleabus) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@BrittanyRenee, You essentially just wrote off his entire beliefs of life because of his ego without actually discussing those beliefs logically. Coming to terms with the reality of life is an extremely difficult thing to do and the fact that he has come to conclusions on his owns means he certainty has taken responsibility for his life.

BrittanyRenee (14) (@BrittanyRenee) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@Fleabus, that’s because I don’t need to discuss ‘his beliefs’ to make my point. ?
It had nothing to do with his beliefs.
Just how he looks at the beliefs.

& no, that doesn’t mean he’s taken responsibility of his life. Who knows if he is or not? We’re on the internet, we don’t know him personally.
I was giving him advice, based on assumptions.
& I made it clear that I was assuming.

who (557) (@season) 8 years, 12 months ago ago

@BrittanyRenee, you’re pretty.

Lunawolf (0) (@Lunawolf) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

The only simple to the point advice I can give you is this,

Let go of what bothers you. Be you and follow your heart. Trust your insides. Know that you are young and there is much more to learn. Some things in the world are what they are and we can’t change them, and some we can. Think of the concept of Yin and Yang. Know that if you let go of negativity and overwhelming why this and why that’s, your mind can be free, and those thoughts can be replaced with love and pace to share with others seeking the same. Light and warmth to you.

Anonymous (0) (@) 7 years, 11 months ago ago

it’s interesting to realize that what you worry about(in my case how my family are, their death and death in general, if my parents are happy or not,and what I should do to “help”) can “be helped” by you just when you…>”let go of negativity and overwhelming why this and why that’s, your mind can be free, and those thoughts can be replaced with love and pace to share with others seeking the same”
that seems weird when you’re overthinking/concerned about the “problems” you have, but it’s true, not logically or philosophically, maybe.. but kind of in a practical way. you only can help when you decide to stop worrying and start ‘doing’ and being positive, instead. when you are negative you just don’t do anything and so you don’t help, and it becomes circular; you kind of exactly allow those worries/fears to come true by just worrying about them.
hehe I didn’t know I was going to reply something here, I was just reading the comments, but what you’ve written caught me up =) hope you’ve got my point =P, I bet there’s grammatical errors here but pfff,it’s tiring to search english words expressions all the time =) have a nice day!

eltanin (5) (@eltanin) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

To OP:
Read “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” by Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche was a a great thinker, and in this book he mentions the same problems of the society and humanity that you seem to be worried with.
He had a feeling that
he is the only one who perceives reality like it is for almost all his life.
Some stories in the novel are difficult to understand, but once you get used to Nietzsche’s extensive use of metaphors, it’s easier to follow his mind-flow.
In just a few days this book may change your life and worldview.
Meditation can help alot too.

IncarnationOfRealism (15) (@xxtobixx47) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Wow, your post here is great.. I know that, seeing everything as senseless not understanding how people live in this world. If i think about humans evolution i cant stop thinking of bacteria. While talking to people i often realize im seeing connections where other people dont even seem to think about. Ive always visited some psychologist but she couldnt help me. She only told me to use my intelligence to get a good life with good money. But i cant to that.. I mean what is intelligence for if it fucks your life? What you describe regarding that tongue-spinning freak thing, I dont experience that really or lets say not often. Sometimes when im sitting in a Bus and see peoples reflections in the windows they seem to be looking through the windows directly into my eyes doing strange moves with their mouth.. Till now it never happened when people i know are with me so i dont know if i only imagine it. Also thats happening not as often as something like this is happening to you.
But ive had many times i just thought of things which happened some later.. Or sometimes i just know things..
Like one day a friend of mine wanted me to help him bringing away empty bottles (here you get 0,25€ for empty plastic bottles so people bring them away always after some weeks). Anyway he passed me the bag with the bottles and in just that moment i saw the number “81” it was white on a grey but a little bit glowing background.. Like it just “flashed” into my mind. I asked him if there were 81 bottles in it but he didnt know it.
Was a funny moment when we realized it were exactly 81 bottles. (it was a bag you cant look through)
Such things also do happen to me got many stories of that..
That also fucks my head because im the most rational thinking person i know and thats just weird. i mean can you guys explain it?
Some weeks ago i started smoking more cannabis.. Doing it really much right now because it just makes me dont care about my weird own world..
Sry if i didnt exactly hit what youre talking about or if my english isnt that good.
Btw im from germany just one year before studying (most likely physics or computer science)

darthzelda702 (0) (@darthzelda702) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

You know, I have found that there are really no coincidences in life. I was literally just reading an article that I think you will find interesting.


IncarnationOfRealism (15) (@xxtobixx47) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, Btw youre writing great. Even though im not that good at talking english i think i understood all of youre (i think hardly structurable) thoughts. Good Job,

Ray Butler (1,423)M (@trek79) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@Stormy-Colt, You are 17, don’t over rate the difficulty of your existential crisis. Psychiatrists find sociopaths a greater challenge than philosophers.

IncarnationOfRealism (15) (@xxtobixx47) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@trek79, @Stormy-Colt, But isnt for a Psychiatrist that way of describing people already sociopathic? If its true or not it is a problem while reacting with the society also.

darthzelda702 (0) (@darthzelda702) 8 years, 11 months ago ago


Understanding the Role of ‘Darkness’ and ‘Evil’ in Higher Consciousness

Here is another link, that goes hand-in-hand with the one I previously posted.
It makes a whole lot of sense. Gives a rational answer about fear.


Question, does anyone on here know much about seeing sort of a transparent plain layered on this one, especially visible in low-light?

Ever since I was about 3 years old, I’ve been able to see like, energy I guess. But much more often than not, it is a very negative energy. When I was very very young, I would see mostly wolves with red eyes. A whole pack of them. I’d have nightmares about them, and then wake up and see them. I could look into a dark room, and there they would be, usually just staring at me. I blocked these experiences from my memory for several years, until I was about 12, when my mother brought it up to me. I still can’t remember most of what I saw… I just remember my room coming to life when the lights went off. And it was always terrifying. Waking up in pools of blood when I was like 4?? I’d never seen an actual pool of blood, ya know?! And I vaguely remember a dark man…

In my teen years, the night terrors started again. I was terrified of being alone, especially in the dark. By that time though, I had trained myself to not see onto the other plain. I could just feel the terrifying presence… One night I woke up being strangled by invisible hands, and I was completely paralyzed; I couldn’t scream or speak. Being a christian at the time, I managed to choke out a whisper: “Jesus,” and immediately it stopped.

When I was 18, I plunged into a very dark depression. Many people accredited it to the same spirits that have plagued me my whole life. Like a dark cloud hanging over me. I made some majorly bad decisions in my life, and for the last few years, I’ve been pulling myself out of that suicidal hole. Things started looking up when I began meditating, and seeking Buddhist wisdom, and for about a year now, I have been much happier.

But for the last few years, I’ve managed to very very verrry rarely ever be alone, especially at night. I experimented with Psychoenergetics, and began communicating with my higher-conscious (sub-conscious, whatever you wanna call it), but I have found myself running into this huge wall of terror. And I get that feeling, that presence. It is so fucking tangible.

I stopped talking to my higher conscious, because I found myself getting depressed and just, really feeling stretched thin. But last night, I gave it another shot, and immediately, I felt that evil presence. It drove me out of the house for like an hour. I could feel it in the house. (oh btw, I was home alone last night, for the first time in a loooong time)

When I shut the lights off and got in bed last night, it was there next to my bed. And I found myself hardly being able to shut out seeing him… I could see his outline. I was the little girl, clutching her eyes tight, pulling the covers over her head, once again. And when I felt him reach out for me, I commanded him to go away.

But the thing is, it kind of goes away. Kind of takes the edge off the feeling…

Anyway. A comment on someone else’s forum thing is probly not the right place to seek advice for myself, lol, but, eh, this was kind of spontaneous. I don’t know who I should even ask about this kind of shit, ya know?

I’ve been reading some articles and stuff about what this might be, but, does anyone know what to do about it? I’d like to be able to enter into a higher consciousness without being terrorized.

emptyminded (68) (@thoughtless) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@darthzelda702, I’d like to be able to enter into a higher consciousness without being terrorized.

your lucky i have never been in such real life scenarios… im open to anything thats willing to send some form of communication that i can interpret and respond…if i couldnt communicate with “it” and “it” just wanted attack me i would avoid “it” in all possible ways.

BrittanyRenee (14) (@BrittanyRenee) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@season, thanks, boo. :)

Anonymous (2,833) (@) 8 years, 11 months ago ago


The OP guy has not responded since the first page.

Stop beating a dead horse.

Steven (40) (@steven) 8 years, 11 months ago ago
Wohoo (10) (@bigdadi91) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

stop masturbating
stop watching porn

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