What would you do if you were in my situation?

 Sheepshagga69 (@Sheepshagga69)6 years, 4 months ago

<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;”>I’m a 16 year old male. And I have a bit of a problem. I have a female best friend the same age as me. I consider her my best friend mostly because I see her as a reflection of myself in almost every way imaginable. She has a wonderful personality and is about the only thing in my life right now that makes me happy. Furthermore, she is essentially the only true friend I have. I love her. The problem is, it sometimes feels one sided. I tell her absolutely everything. I give 100% to our friendship. When she’s happy, I am happy. When she is sad, I am sad. But she is not completely open with me. She gets mad at me over the smallest matters and I am left partly broken. She is the only friend I have but she has countless friends. If I walked out on her, she would quickly replace me. However, if she left my life, I would be left with no friends, no happiness, and I could not handle it. Our friendship just is not what I want it to be, and she won’t let it be how I want it to be. And it’s killing me.
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;”>That’s not all. I have known her for a year and a half, and been best friends for 8 months. At some point since being best friends, I have fallen in love with her. This is the only thing I have kept from her, and I have done so because I have been in fear of it obliterating our friendship. If I confessed my love to her, everything would change. We would never be the same. But this is also killing me. I need to tell her, but I can’t. You might say that I should just tell her and we might end up together, but she has made it clear that we’re just friends and will never be more than that. You might say I should find someone else to be friends with, but I just can’t socialize and make friends like others can so easily do.
I have to do something, but I don’t know what I should do. Should I confess that I love her? Should I stop being friends with her and be left with no friends or anyone to make me happy? Should I continue how I have for months and deal with whatever pain I receive? Can I really continue being destroyed on the inside? Or should I do what I have considered but never been able to do, and take my own life? Or do you have another suggestion? This could reach 10 people, none or a million. I just ask if that you have managed to read all this without scrolling along to another page, please, help me. What would you do if you were in my situation?

May 3, 2015 at 3:53 am
teaflower (15) (@teaflower) 6 years, 4 months ago ago

If you’re not comfortable telling her how you feel about her, then don’t.

If I were in your situation, and I have been before, I would look deep inside for what this situation really is. It’s unhealthy. I think you know that. You’ve mentioned that she’s your only friend and that your world would be unbearable. No happiness. No friends. That, I’m sure you’re well aware, is a terrible position to be in. For both of you. Maybe she knows that she’s your only friend, and that you feel as though your happiness is completely on her shoulders.

That’s an unfair burden to place on someone else. It’s also unfair to you. It’s your happiness. I need you to be responsible for it. Sit by yourself and face being alone until you don’t mind it anymore. Find hobbies and things you’re very passionate about and lose yourself in them. Then, if she were to leave, you would be able to carry on without her. 

Next, I need you to socialize. Keep socializing until you’re doing it like the best of them. It gets easier when you realize everyone else is like you, they have their own insecurities, problems, fears, etcetra. Everyone needs a variety of friends. Our friends make us who we are. To only have one means that there is only one person influencing us, interacting with us, and of course that’s going to end up very unbalanced. Even if you were her only friend too it would be unhealthy. You need more people in your life. A social science experiment discovered that our social circle is as large as at least 150 people.

Making these changes will be frightening at first, but they are both necessary and beneficial. When you learn to socialize and become less dependent on her, she’ll have room to breathe. That would be a good time to tell her your feelings, and there’s a better chance she’ll reciprocate.

I once was in your situation

I was fifteen. I had been in love with my friend for a year. He was seventeen. I would plan my route between classes to bump into him as many times as possible. I would bring little gifts of snacks to his locker. I remembered his birthday. I told myself that all I needed to be happy was to be with him. Of course, he probably sensed my desperation and backed the hell off. Eventually I realized I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I was a sad person. I didn’t care about much in life and I didn’t have many people in my life to care about. I stopped talking to him. I stopped trying to see him as many times as possible. I stopped trying to see him at all. I took up painting, hung out with people that I hadn’t considered friends before. I became happy without him. 

Then, a year later, I changed schools. Over Christmas break, I thought to myself, why the hell not. I’m over him now, I can be a good friend to him. I invited him over. We really enjoyed ourselves and connected. He was asking to come over the next weekend, every weekend. Then he kissed me. This guy and I have been together now for 3 and a half years and I owe it all to my fifteen year old self deciding to take happiness into her own hands.

Your situation could very well work out the same way, or you might realize that you were only in love with her because she was there. Either way, I hope you find your happiness. 

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