So… I’ve never been a fan of marriage…maybe it’s bc my parents sleep in separate beds & fight, maybe it’s bc I’m afraid of commitment, monogamy forever, who knows? I know things have changed a lot over the years, family structure etc. I like the idea of pronouncing your love for your partner, but I hate the legalities, and the cost of getting married, and how much work divorce would be. My boyfriend really wants to get married (one of these days), but I’m really on the fence about it. I know it’s ultimately up to me…but just wanted to hear other people’s thoughts on the topic… any would be appreciated, thanks
Nope. If you don’t see a point in it, really, do not do it. Go, have a ceremony, dedicate yourself, have a handfasting, whatever. But do not ever bring legalities into it. Let your love and commitment be exactly what it is without worrying about paying for a piece of paper and then dealing with headache of that very binding piece of paper later if either of you want to end things later. (people change, let’s face it, and some people just will not always be together) I don’t think that marriage itself, as a legal ceremony , is what makes the relationship any more special than it was before. I think that love can and will grow and blossom as it will, regardless of what documentation there is OF that love.
I wrote this on my blog, somewhere, Rather, Energito did >_> (adayinthelifeofcolor.tumblr.com)
Up until recently, this has been a subject of debate, internally, for the longest time. On paper, disregarding all of the legal benefits, it didn’t make any sense. Why would one need to “marry” another person just to confirm that they want …(tharr be more)to be together? For those confirmations, to who? Ensuring themselves, so they’re not insecure? Ensuring society and their families, so both would give an approved nod? Why couldn’t one person just “be” with another person without having to go through the strenuous, overrated, and overused process of marriage?
Up until recently, I had no answer. Marriage seemed about as useful as the concept of “Happily Ever After.” You know, Cinderella and all that. Actually, I believe that that movie specifically, not to mention the Little Mermaid, is at fault for putting the idea of “happily ever after” into the minds of children, girls mostly, and eventually grown woman. Never mind the idea of “Prince Charming”, no, that’s a whole nother argument, but the thought of being with one person, forever, and having no hitches in that desired perfect relationship. Hasn’t anyone ever noticed that it doesn’t show how those two people get along after that movie is over?
But I digress.
More importantly, Disney isn’t the only reason people are expected to get married today. It’s just a societal norm, at this point. If you weren’t married by the age of 30-something, you were considered to be alone and not a model person of society. Society begins to look down on you and your “imperfection”, and this jolts many people into rushing, or even just downright beginning relationships in order to be married at the “end”. This, interestingly enough, is the reason that there are so many divorces (50%?) nowadays.
Because marriage is now something looked at as loose, and temporary. Something that you have because you’re “supposed to”, or because it’s “easier for the children”. People stop getting married for the reason of “we’re in love” and more for the reason of “we’re 25”, and even with the people who are “in love” end up separating because of disinterest in their relationship, boredom, strain, etc. etc. etc. The social decline is so bad, soon it’ll be more common to be separated than it is to stay together.
The above reasons are why I thought (Thought.) marriage to be pointless.
“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.” – Joseph Campbell.
I recently read an article, rather a conversation including the above person and another person, and talked with a certain someone (You know who you are. Hey :D) about the subject, that’s changed my belief on marriage as a whole. I first had to get past the fact that just because a large group of people treat something someway (People treating marriage as a joke.), doesn’t mean I have to accept it as that way. I think marriage is this:
Marriage, in my opinion, has almost nothing to do with love. Love, romance, is simple. It has varying degrees and strengths, and can honestly be found almost anywhere if one is looking hard enough. No, marriage has to do with souls. It has to do with finding someone that you’re so compatible with, that you are so in tune with, that you can easily, easily imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with that person, and be happy. Love is finding a soul that is similar to yours, whereas marriage should be finding a soul that is yours. Just like another part of you. The ceremony, the ring, the engagement, the festival, even, is a testament to two people becoming different parts of one person, if not simply becoming one person, symbolic to something that should already be there, not made up by the marriage itself.
Obviously, this message of marriage has been lost. If the connections between all marriages were so great, people wouldn’t ever divorce.
So I’m not against marriage. I’m against marriage for the wrong reasons, and I’m against marriage for the simple reason of “love”. There are better, more important things to be looking for when spending lives together, and I think too many people have forgotten that.
I think marriage is pointless, and usually does more harm than good (by making a relationship even more “serious” or “permanent” or whatever)… I don’t think long-term relationships need to end in marriage. Isn’t just being with the person enough? And besides… I like my last name xP
If it’s not broken, don’t change it. So many people have awesome relationships and marriage ruins them. It’s like a switch is flipped in some situations. Now, obviously, some people make it work well, but I personally don’t even want to. I’ve been anti-marriage forever and it won’t change. Even if I weren’t an atheist I still would think it’s a completely archaic institution and does more harm then good.
Don’t get me wrong. The oaths and promises of a marriage are all good. I’m sure I will swear an oath and profess my undying devotion (or however I decide to word it) to someone when I know I want to spend my life with them. But marriage….Bah!!
Side story –
In my bartending days there was a couple who were regulars at my bar. They referred to each other as husband and wife, had a son together, wore rings, and were together for 28 years. Very cool people. I found out after having known them for about 2 years that they weren’t legally or otherwise married. It was a personal thing between them and nobody was the wiser. I like that.
Different cultures have different thoughts when comes to marraige. As an Asian who grew up outside of Asia, I was able to catch a glimpse of least two sides. Eternal commitment and thus security seems to be a common trait. Some cultures seem to understand what this implies in the long-run, but others don’t really look far past “love”.
I’m not into the marriage thing at all. I wouldn’t say I’m freaked out by commitment, I have been in meaningful long term relationships, but I am the kind of person that needs to have the freedom to pack up and take off whenever I want. Maybe that is selfish? I don’t know, but for me, personal freedom is number one. I also have no intention of having children, and it’s hard to find a woman who is cool with that.
I feel like you just slapped me in the face :) I think that’s exactly my problem. You never know where life is gonna take you–and if your calling is somewhere else, after you’ve made ‘the committment’–then you’re in a bind. And even worse if the other person doesn’t get it. Thank you
I never thanked everyone else for posting on this too. Thank you!! I took what everyone wrote into consideration & it was what I was looking for-I appreciated it so much
@duke (hehe that’s my dogs name!) yours was very helpful and hit home for me with a lot of points, thanks
There are pros and cons. Frankly, you can say everything said in this thread until the cows come home. I’ll even agree with most of it. But there is a large part of me deep down inside that wants to find one person who feels strongly enough about me to love me forever. The institution of marriage? Thats fine, I don’t need or want that. But what marriage represents? The investment it represents? Thats meaningful.
I wanna get married at night with the stars as witnesses, and the moon to preform the ceremony, and the tall dry grass and soft earth to consummate it with..
and the point is to be complimentary to eachother like two sides of a coin existing in harmony with one another