Lately I have been thinking I do not want to keep bar hoping and getting shit faced ordering a bunch of things that I do not need. Its always a sports bar now a couple weeks ago i met this lady and she told me if the only good memories you have of your closest friends is getting fucked up then you need to re-evaluate who you are keeping in your life. I mean I tried to get them to do fun stuff like bowling , mini golf, kayaking , basketball , fishing and arcades but these guys just want to be stuck in i want to say like a denial that everything is okay with drinking everyday. I think that to then drinking and playing beer related games is all there is to life and I think that was around the time i realized that oh boy i think i have out grown my best friends and what do i do about it i certainly do not want to just drop them they are basically part of my family we have been best friends for about 10 years.
@ladyartemis I feel like I’m outgrowing my friends too. We used to be so close and never had to ever worry when we were together. We were all so different from each other, so nobody felt out of place we all kinda just mixed together and had fun and didn’t worry, but that’s not the case any more. I think what our question really is is when do you stop being friends with people? Some people ignore you. Some talk. Sometimes you just feel differently about life in general. But where’s the point where you stop? We all suck just for different reasons, so how can we stop being friends with someone just because of their faults? I can’t decide either. I think maybe we should keep our friends, but make new ones too that understand us better. Or maybe we should try a little harder to make our friends understand us again. I’m not sure. But, I do know that we need to one way or another get friends that understand us and we can connect with.
A similar situation happend to me though not nearly affable with the people as long as you mentioned I came to the same realization. That’s all we were doing was getting fucked up every weekend and very seldom anything else and that’s all they wanted to do. I couldn’t accept their close mindedness,ego or their lack of morals. The more I kept mulling over It I realized how much I was trying to distance myself from them all while trying to sugest other things to do. I thought they would’ve gotten the hints as they became less subtle. So eventually I just cut myself off completely they just became very oddly attached i’m not sure why it took me so long to uncover their irrational misperceptions on how life works. While it might of been the easy way out i’m glad I did it.
I see where youre coming from. Sometimes all my friends want to do is get fucked up, and they dont understand why I dont want to hang out with them as much.
From my perspective some people just have different aims in life. You appreciate your friends so you should just let them know you want to do more than drink all the time. Maybe theyve been thinking the same thing.
Seriously that is some good advice i most certainly will not give up on my best friends and i will try to make new friends and in corporate them all together and hopefully my old friends will get some perspective.
WoW Man You are making some real sense I understand where you are coming from like i want to do other fun stuff dude they dont even want to go to comic con like wtf.
Now I guess my question for you is do you think you are better off with that choice of cutting them off now ?
Thank you for your input,
@ladyartemis, Yes for multiple reasons I don’t have to feel obligated and I believe your intuition is right most of time. When you put yourself in undesirable situations you begin noticing patterns. To me these things always reveal themselves maybe not right away but it’s up to you to recognize and acknowledge them. Like this a damn good time but after so long it’s like what am I accomplishing and how is this any different from the past days,weeks,months,ect when you’re in a constant fog it’s clear the approaching months if you keep it up won’t be any different. However I don’t know your friends or their personalities so this was just my logic. fuck yeah to comic con i’ve always wanted to go
hope this helps a little
This definitely hits home for me too… I think a lot of it (at least in my case) has to do with college and focus on drinking and losing inhibitions while we’re young. It was of course a lot of fun at first but we all kind of grow up. I definitely grew up a little faster which sucked. Being dragged out to bars all the time and feeling like shit the next day. I didn’t really have many other social groups to hang out with. Since graduating and working I haven’t hung out with them as much, or with many people in general, but Ive felt a lot happier and healthier. At the end of the day they will still be your buddies and you will have the awesome memories. They will understand and pressure you less as they grow up too.
@ladyartemis I have had similar epiphanies in my life with various friends and friend groups. I have really high standards for the people I allow in my cipher, whether that pays off or not I do not know. I call myself “inconvenient” as a friend because I do not have Facebook and do not own a TV, so I find it difficult to hold those everyday conversations. It is difficult for me to feign interest as well.I am also pretty introverted, and one thing I find myself doing is weighing the enjoyment of the social experience with particular people to the enjoyment I would have by myself. For me it isnt so much that I dont want to get shitfaced or bar hop, because when I bar hop and drink with likeminded individuals it can be life-reinforcing and powerful. I just find most people to be pretty boring:) unfortunately… The people who have continually stimulated my mind and inspired growth have endured long spans of time. I want to grow and expand in certain ways, and when people can provide those elements I want to be around them regardless of it being at a bar or sanctuary. The direction of my growth sometimes changes, and it takes a certain flexibility to understand and be with during those times. If people dont nurture that growth, I would rather keep them as compartmental friends. or not at all friends. The social norm these days supports the “as many friends as possible” mindset so its hard to see the value of friendships compared with the sentimental want for various social engagements or keeping friends cause it seems nice or right. Many an older person has told me that until your comfortable being alone, nothing outside will satisfy. I like reading books, sitting outside coffee shops, and participating in scenes which I enjoy and naturally interact with those doing similar activities. When I am in a clear mind state it can really stimulate the “synchronistic” energies, with which I have enjoyed playing. I
@ladyartemis, life is an ongoing filter. Simple solution is do what feels right..what makes you happy. Real friends with embrace those new choices or at least support you. By the same token, if you decide to stop drinking etc and they cut you off because now you’re “boring”, then they were never friends to be begin with. Be yourself and be who you want to be, and you will attract genuine people. That’s why I only have one friend lol joke.
adding to what @godslight said: ‘be who you are and say what you feel, cause those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’ – i know you’ll probably know this quote but thought it was a good reminder to put in! do what you love to do and youll find yourself with friends who are like minded :)
definitely feel this way, its sad to see what most of my friends consider fun is spending the night drinking there senses away to the point where they dont even remember anything. my way of handling it is joining in the said “fun” from time to time and usually being DD because lets face it, theyre still my friends and even though i am usually bored out of my mind, i love them, even if i dont get along with them mentally on some things. other then that il occasionally push for the going out dinnners/movies because i really enjoy that intimate time (but not if everyones buried in their faces with their smartphones). its kinda tough sometimes when all your friends just like doing that one mindless thing. thats why il hang out with my friends but not enough to make them the center of my world so i have my alone time as well to delve into other things that are important to me (like video games…or passing school..).
Just sayin – Got really sick of the bar scene senior year of college, basically said I wasn’t going anymore.
Started grad school 6 months ago in another state.
Came back, missed drinking with my pals so much.
You can still be their friends, you just don’t have to BE them.
@ladyartemis, When I finished high school, I drifted with two girls who had been my best friends for six years prior. It went from a little bit of ignoring each other to becoming total strangers. I was making a lot of changes for myself and reevaluating my choices and part of that meant cutting ties that seemed to hold me back. They tried to make me feel guilty about raising my standards, changing my lifestyle, and seeking more positive energy from the world around me. I caught on really quickly and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. They remained close friends and they hung out all the time and that made it seem like I got left behind when I honestly knew I didn’t. It felt uncomfortable for a really long time and even now, two years later, I still wonder if they’re doing well in life. There’s no shame in knowing your limits. Understanding that you’d like to prioritize and look out for yourself is a huge step that takes a lot of courage to reach. It may sound rough, but maybe you’ve each finished serving certain purposes in each other’s lives. Anyway, everything will arrange itself soon enough… I hope you feel better :)
@ladyartemis, as one becomes more enlightened(whatever that is, ha!), things that were important or part of our routines may lose their appeal. we see through them, so to speak. nothing against our friends, but they are doing what they are doing for their reasons just as we had ours though none of us maybe can put a finger on just what the “reasons” are. doesn’t matter. i used to go out with my wife and friends a lot, especially in the summer when the days are longer and everyone enjoys drinks after work at their favorite bar. one day i just realized how ridiculous it was (for me), in that doing this knowing i may well feel bad the next morning, as well as risking dui on the drive home – not worth it, plus it’s expensive. so, i don’t know – just my thought.
@ladyartemis, I totally understand your point, too! I grew up in a small village with only 800 people living there. I didn’t have big of a choice regarding my friends which was totally fine in the beginning. But once we grew older I jumped a class and started to have totally differnt interests than them. Instead of trying to lose my virginity, drinking and partying, I preferred reading, riding my bike, building model airplanes and playing the flute. For some reason they just didn’t understand me… I still see and talk to them, but now that I’m in my Junior year I have met new people, more interesting ones. People I can truly call friends and I start to not even care about the ‘old’ ones anymore. We don’t have anything to talk about anymore.. Maybe at one point in life we will meet again, but who knows?
During Middle School it was pretty hard being different, but don’t give up the hope, try to be yourself and at one point in live you are going to find people that are just like you. :) Look forward to it, it’s pretty awesome! ;)
Commit to this idea, and people who will be on your level will come (running) to you. If you finally find that what you spend your money on is not only irrelevant but also toxic to your health, then that is a good step. You talk about being shit faced, have you thought about seeking help with a possible minor drinking problem? I drink as well but I don’t drink to babble and drool on myself XD (not saying you do) But there are friends where minds are alike.
Growing up and realizing that your old friends haven’t changed with you is a tough one…probably time to start looking for new friends that you have more in common with…just dont be so quick to give up on your old friends…who knows…maybe they’ll surprise you and start growing up soon too…
I’ve seen a lot of posts related to this. Why is it common to think you can outgrow others? Everyone has a different personal story and a lot of people find it harder to be humble. So how is that even growing and not just arrogance?
Not sure how this post will sound but there is something called epistemic arrogance. Something I’ve learned from personal experience.. That was something I did to simply be more than who I was, instead of focusing on being more than others. Also, when a big ego is hurt, bad things may happen. If I somehow develop a habit needing to “outgrow” people, I’ll be in a lonely place called “when you realize you outgrow your friends”. This is an article that makes a lot of good points, although it’s not about just outgrowing your habits, but more like reaching for a higher education. It’s called HE! http://opendistanceteachingandlearning.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/learning-analytics-and-epistemic-arrogance-in-higher-and-distance-education/
That’s something from there.
“The illusion of understanding, or how everyone thinks he knows what is going on in the world that is more complicated (or random) than they realize;
The retrospective distortion, or how we can assess matters only after the fact, as if they were in a rearview mirror…
The overvaluation of factual information and the handicap of authoritative and learned people, particularly when they create categories – when they ‘Platonify’” (Taleb, 2007, p.8)
And that’s because I think I’m really annoying.