I feel like a different person. I actually want to do good in the world, and for myself. I long for accomplishment in a positive way, that in no way feels overwhelming. I feel good about the day ahead, and every day after. I drift in and out of dreams of being in the presence of my soul mate, nameless. I don’t need to know her name, because I know her in a much deeper way. I awake with hopes of finding her in my awake reality, not at all feeling discouraged that I won’t.
Then, I make the decision to get up. In that moment. It all goes away. I am in a world that I care nothing about, in a body that I care nothing about. Like a lightswitch. No observable cues. I’m suddenly sad again. I try throughout the day to combat the feeling. The only thing that seems to work are distractions.
None of that is needed while I lay in bed. I don’t have to combat negative feelings. That’s why I’m “so lazy.” That’s why I struggle with society. I still know why. It’s still all in my head. Yea, the world is fucked up but so am I.
Word… imagination doesn’t deliver though. Social identity is unappealing when it requires complacency and disconnection and any other bullshit. It’s easy to hide away, live in mindspace, and pray for momentum. If we can find any way to honesty express ourselves, alienation will stop. People will be found because you know how to be what you’re about. @spaceghost