I\’ll keep this short and sweet;
Liked a girl, buddy then started dating her.
One year later, they break up; are no longer dating. She shows interest in me a couple weeks later.
Buddy likely wouldn\’t be impressed if we were to start hooking up.
Pursue because she\’s awesomecool? Don\’t, out of respect for friend?
edit: Third option; pursue on the down low?
I guess it would be really depend on how much you truly value that friend/his reaction to finding out you two are together. Personally, I would kick any girl to the curb if it upset a good friend of mine. There are millions of pretty/unique girls out there, but good friendships are quite rare. It’s up to you gauge whether or not a potential girlfriend is worth ruining a friendship.
There are more girls in the world than friends.
@synthetic, are you absolutely certain you can’t have both? I mean, you said your friend wouldn’t be impressed, but would he be offended or hurt? And consider the circumstances that the girl broke up with him, you don’t want the same thing to happen to you.
Then again, I wouldn’t be the happiest guy in the world if a girl I liked blew me off in favor of my friend. Major “what the fuck” feeling.
definitely don’t be sneaky about it. im not your particular buddy, but i dont think the girl would appreciate this either. “…why does it have to be a secret?” but thats just me.
i would say, approach your friend and get his take on it. if you are really concerned about maintaining your friendship, this seems like the best way to do it. this way, you will not be insensitive towards him or go behind his back. make sure to express that you understand this may come across as callous towards his predicament, but that you really like this girl, and you highly value your friendship but dont want to cross him or go behind his back (and you still want the girl.) not necessarily seek his permission, be firm yet sensitive in your approach, yet maybe if he desperately wishes it, wait a couple more weeks to give them both time. a small price to pay in the face of rocking the boat of your friendship. (:
@synthetic, How did it make you feel when youre “buddy” started dating the girl you had the hots for? I can imagine it was hard on you to live with this for an entire year. Either you didnt tell him you were interested in her and in that case it is understandable on his part. However, if he was aware of the fact and yet proceeded to date her then it doesnt sound like a great buddy to me. Dont pursue on the downlow. Infact, the whole idea isnt a good one.
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a man or woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.
― Jorge Luis Borges
If your buddy won’t be impressed why the fuck are you asking this?
@synthetic, sigh.. I run into probelems like this it seems all the time! truth is, you cant help how you feel. talk to your friend about your feelings, and hopefully he should understand that just beacuse he dated her doesnt mean that she is a cast out option for you. Communication I think is best. also, listen to your heart, it knows best
Thanks everyone who took the time to write; I’ve read over all of your posts and appreciate everyone’s input.
No updates really; I feel as if I’m going to err on the side of caution as I’ll be reaching school in around a week anyway.
Some quick acknowledgements;
@jbaker15, Beauty poetry.
@dick, @kellah, Definitely held this line of thinking regarding the whole situation for a good while, essentially to the point of perceived justification of my actions. @drunkmonkmeth, Something to consider absolutely, what my friend might do were the roles reversed.
@manimal, Wonderful as always, Manimal. Right to the point.
@beyond, Simply put, and the raw gist of it is, I don’t strive to live by other people’s circumstances.
Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to write.
Do what makes you happy retaining respect for your friend simultaneously. If he is truly your friend then he will understand that she may or may not make you happy and should let you pursue in your own right without judgment or interference.
@bobbylloydxd, Well I’m sorry you feel that way mate; I was merely looking for some advice regarding a personal dilemma. Though thanks for your input, regardless.
@jayyrod1, I know this to be true, but I’m not sure he’ll see it this way and would hope to avoid jeopardizing friendship over sour feelings.
Ah, drama. Often in my case uncertainty giving birth to anxiety; fear of the unknown. Realizing one can’t really control circumstance, only mould it; point towards it. Out for the night, peace, thanks for the additional input.
@synthetic, The only piece of advice that is worth anything in instances like this is to follow your heart. If you follow your heart you can never get lost.
If you see a future with this girl, go for it. If its a purely sexual thing, I would think that you could find someone else to have sex with.
After things have taken place tell your friend honestly how you feel and let him make his decision on how to feel about it. If he’s a friend worth having, he will be happy for you.
Sorry for being a jerk, I just don’t have any kind of social anxiety and situations like this are very simple to me.
@synthetic Good luck my friend! One can only hope our actions do not negatively affect the feelings of our friends and loved ones. Whatever may come of your situation, remember, that Maturity is the balance of courage and consideration. Courage to tell him how you feel, and consideration to keep him in mind. One without the other would surely lead to more troubles. I have no doubt you’ll have well thought out your course of action before it comes to be :-D
@synthetic, my first question would be did the buddy know you liked the girl before he started dating her? My second question would be did the girl know you liked her before she started dating your buddy? These are relevant in that they indicate the level of interests both buddy and girl had in your feelings and whether they should be accorded the same consideration.
In all matters involving the heart I say follow your heart. That you needed to ask this question to begin would indicate that you are not comfortable with the idea of dating the girl and are seeking “permission” to do so. Whether that is based on loyalty to the buddy or doubt about the girl I can’t say without knowing the answers to the 2 questions above. On the flip side of that coin they say that all is fair in love and war so no matter which way you look at it, it comes down to what you can live with…and without.