you love each other, now the dumper wants to be friends
first of all, just a brief summary of how my ex bf and i met to get the picture…
i’m from the uk and i went to another country- Holland to study and that’s where i met him, he has already been living there for 5 years. we dated for 18 months making it his 7th year in holland …
…after a year he told me he loved and cared for me for than anyone. then halfway our 18 month of being together, he told me he wanted to move out to another country as he was getting bored of the place we are living now. i told him i understand him, and i will support and commit to it. however he said to break up as he doesn’t want a long distance relationship… even though the drive to the place he wants to move is only 4 hrs away by car.
so as much as i tried to tell him that it will work, he still persisted and so in the end we broke up. for me, its really hard especially how can 2 people who love each other break up. plus the worse thing is that he wants to remain FRIENDS. so now we are back in the uk for the summer and already he calls me or sends me texts to see how things are. i havent even gotten over him yet. this is unfair for me.
i don’t know what to do, before i met him his past girlfriends have all been erasmus students, maybe he’s scared making a big commitment? because they all come and go.
@audreym, So Yes, how about that infinitely massive universe with trillions of unanswered questions. Things our minds can’t even conceive, yet us mere humans are trying to understand.
Think about the hundreds of worlds out there that could possibly contain other life, we could make contact with them, they could provide us with knowledge which we cannot yet comprehend.
Maybe we could think about the inner workings of our owns minds, which are infinitely bigger than out own universe. Anything imaginable, by definition, can be imagined, be built upon and developed, for the good of human kind.
Think about the possibilities each of us could provide with the wonder and the resources we have available right now, Striving to enhance our own existence, taking our consciousness to the next level, to enlightenment!
Bur Wait! YOU’VE GOT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM! Get a fucking grip! Let go, and start living your fucking life.
all your high praise on the value of philosophy, i’ve been enlightened. thanks for not answering my question and insensitiveness.
|| for me, its really hard especially how can 2 people who love each other break up. ||
this is a really good question, one you should consider more deeply, especially in regards to what he called ‘love’.
|| plus the worse thing is that he wants to remain FRIENDS. so now we are back in the uk for the summer and already he calls me or sends me texts to see how things are. ||
k, i do not mean to be crude, but often, guys wish to remain friends with their ex’s so that they can possibly ‘dump’ in them later…. they already ‘know’ that they can and the effort required will be not so difficult to achieve because the sex barrier has already been broken… they know that there has been enough of a seed planted that it will only take a few well placed promises to get what they want, ‘i love youu babee!’
|| i havent even gotten over him yet. this is unfair for me. ||
it is indeed, so, what are you going to do about it?
you would think that if this topic did not interest you that you would ignore it and not spend as much time as you did trivializing the topic in a condescending way,
you’re right, but you’re wrong, you’re right that the great mysteries of life and reality make something like a relationship seem trivial and not relevant,
but you’re wrong if you think this matter is trivial to this person, and since this topic was not about the great wonders but actually what this person finds relevant, today,
your approach seemed more to hurt than help.
@tine, Did it trivialise more than help?
Maybe it provided perspective to the OP. Which is a value judgement you cannot make.
Let’s ask the OP. @audreym, Did my comment open any other doors to your thinking? Maybe that some people, and yourself particularly deserve more than you are currently experiencing? Maybe there is more in the world to fixate upon?
i think she already answered you, wait for it,
|| all your high praise on the value of philosophy, i’ve been enlightened. thanks for not answering my question and insensitiveness. ||
nah, looks like she just thought you were being a dick too
well, i can provide altering ideas while giving relationship advice, or give relationship advice using altering ideas,
relationships are a great place to start with anyone’s psyche, it’s like a mirror inside, sooo, i dont disagree, but i do,
i don’t disagree because what you offer, altering ideas, is important, but i disagree because i think due to your approach you missed an opportunity to see someone more deeply and therefore,
be more specific with your advice.
@tine, good for you. Being mediocre and encompassing everybody’s ideas, without real results in your replies.
There are times when people (myself included) need to be told reality – the OP needs to realise that there is more to life, the universe, and everything than trying to keep this already failed relationship alive.
The niceties are only prolonging the agony.
@audreym, I don’t know but it seems like he’s not telling you everything. I don’t get it either. People are very weird. I’ve always wondered if people come and go where is that magic place they go? It probably sucks! Now the shitty thing is that you still have those feelings and can’t move on with your life. You just have to with or without him, it won’t do anyone good if you’re not supporting each other, but the opposite right?
@tine, @piptherational, Look, I replied to someone without being an asshole. HE starts to suck a lot these days, it makes me a little sad.
Ask yourself if this issue is the result of a difference in values or a miscommunication.
If you determine that the issue stems from a difference of values, I make the case “While it is very possible you love a person whose values conflict with your own, the relationship is unhealthy”
If you determine the issue is a failure to communicate properly, seek to really explain how you feel and why you believe what you do.
Holy shit, is this Yahoo answers? Wait no, is this the Youtube comment section?
@audreym, “plus the worse thing is that he wants to remain FRIENDS.”
“maybe he’s scared making a big commitment? because they all come and go. ”
I suggest not chasing after him. Be civil, cut off the communication for a while and see how it plays out. It would be best to move on, but don’t go out of your way to hate him.
@audreym, Relationships are probably the primary component in a Higher Existence.
Some people will have you believe they are irrelevant, but when it comes down to it, our own psychological balance and the way it causes us to behave towards others is the real issue of life.
We are all at different stages in our understanding, and that effects our balance, each stage in a variety of ways.
I am not an expert on relationships but yes he does not want commitment, I think he wants friends with benefits but still be able to branch out for new conquests, to have those benefits with as many women as he can get.
That is the truth of men in general, especially non HE types, but then HE types are better at explaining why open relationships are acceptable.
You have to know what you want first; women think they want a guy who loves them heaps but then find those type as weak and lacking masculinity.
When it comes down to it, just enjoy your time with someone, laugh and have fun, you will one day find that is all you can really expect.
He’s a young man searching for himself. You can’t expect full-blown commitment from someone who’s a rolling stone and enjoys excitement at all times. It seems as though he gets bored easily with most thing, as most young people do. You’re both young. Live life. You should be out appreciating life as well not worried about a person who may not even matter next year. Enjoy your time with him as friends and if you can’t handle being his friend since you have feelings, sounds like you need to just stop speaking to him as a whole and meet new people because it simple isn’t worth the heartache. Namaste
Guys, please stop being such obnoxious fucking dickheads. If you are not interested in someone’s problems, get the fuck out of here, or shut the fuck up.
All off topic comments will be removed without warning from now on.
@audreym, Hard to say why he is acting how he is acting, but being friends after being in a relationship with each other is not something that works out quite often. At least, from my personal experience and the experiences around me.
If you feel you are not ready (yet) for staying friends with him, tell him honestly. Speak up about your feelings, do not be shy, and try not keeping false hope. If it is not working for you, you are not obliged in any way to stay friends with him. For whatever reasons it did not work out, is not important right now. You need to let him go and go on with your life. If you will keep clinging to what has been and/or what you hope for, you will not be able to get a grip on your life again. All good things come to an end, the sooner you realise that the easier it will be.
You cant measure love. Who knows if he loved/loves you as much as you love/d him? You will find someone else… He will also. I can see it from his point of view as commitment is scary and he will meet other people. Part of the reason for traveling is not committing to people.
Hope you get over this. Good luck :)