Preface: This piece will be too long, too personal, and too optimistic. I’m not really sure if it’s intended for an audience or if it’s self-therapeutic. Regardless, it’s going to help someone.
This is how my day went today: Woke up at 11. No clear recollection of what I did from 11-4 but it included eating. Took a nap at 4 and woke up at 7 (I think?). Wrote a couple rap verses about actualization, cycled through the same three websites, and studied for my 3 finals by getting the books out of my car. Ate again. Read a couple chapters of Stanislavski’s “An Actor Prepares.” Popped my head in and out of the living room to see what everyone else was doing. Realizing I haven’t started studying for my two finals at 8 and 10 AM the next day, decided to go to bed instead because it was probably too late to make a difference anyways. This was at 1 AM. Couldn’t sleep because of overwhelming thoughts like “Damn where did the day go?” or “Maybe I should have studied for those finals just a little bit.” Convinced myself to get up and try to salvage the situation by pulling an all-nighter. This was at 3 AM. Made a pot of coffee. Browsed through marketing notes for about 3 minutes. Changed my profile picture on Facebook. Opened up Word to start aimlessly writing. This is now.
Today was not special. Today was not an exception. Today was much like every other day for the past 3 months of my life. Give or take a few trips out of town, a couple rap concerts attended, and about 10 finished books of my choice, everything has been pretty stagnate. There’s been a complete lack of interest towards everything happening around me. You may know the feeling. My job felt far too redundant, my social life grew stale, and my business curriculum felt insulting. I don’t really believe in prescribing my life to terms defined by WebMD, but there are certainly a few that would be appropriate here. Let’s just call it a “pre-mature quarter-life crisis.” Thankfully a heightened sense of self-awareness keeps any of these feelings from being clinical. I know why I feel this way, but that’s not what I want this to be about. When you’ve realized your past hasn’t dictated your present the way you had hoped, you have to look to the future. Change is about making present decisions that have future impacts.
In Fight Club terms, tonight and the next 3 days mark the end of my “tear yourself down to build yourself up” phase. I’ve entirely shed everything I’ve been conditioned to believe is important. I will walk into all of my finals employing my “this sounds like the best answer” test taking abilities. I will fall 20 credits short of getting the acclaimed class ring from my University. I will lose access to all of the jobs that will, with no exception, only hire candidates with a degree. I will be labeled as a “dropout.” I will be forecasted to make significantly less money than all my friends in 2 years. I will risk looking back on this decision and regretting it. I am diving head first into uncertainty and I couldn’t be happier.
Always remember that with any important decision you ever make, there are always two sides. In 10 days I will step foot in Israel for my first time out of the country ever. In one month I will move from a town I absolutely dread into a city I love. I will start a new job that is more challenging and rewarding. I will surround myself with people who have the same visions for their future that I do. The old me would try and justify those visions. The new me doesn’t have to. I will set myself apart. I will wake up with a purpose. I will empower myself with the responsibility for my future because of decisions I wanted to make and not ones other people wanted me to. I will fail. I will succeed. I will live. I will learn. I will continue to look forward.
It is 5:30 AM, 3 hours before my Operations Management test, and that is the last thing in the world I am thinking about. What a fucking beautiful feeling.